|your cut out and keep guide to what's what in our Pants|
Launched appropriately enough on April 1st 2002 by three women, Utterpants began life by stripping away the crotchless panties from the festering yeast infection that underlies our hypocritical attitudes to sex, Gender and Celebrity.
The fact that some corporate firewalls still block access to the site in the mistaken view that we're peddling soft porn, proves just how many people have difficulty in grasping the concept of satire. Utterpants has always offered much more to the discerning reader. Dig deep; you won't be disappointed.
Your cut out and keep guide
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Funny Stories is packed full of some of the most original and hilarious short stories you'll find anywhere on the internet. From scathingly witty parodies of the literature of the last century like Mercy Dannenberg's The Evils of Coffee and How to detect Self Abuse in Young Girls, through stories about the Perils of Public Toilets, to advice on how not to save your marriage and the dangers of Threesomes, this section contains some of the very best writing on the site. With such a wide range of outstanding material on offer, it is almost impossible to single out anything out, but our longer adult Fairy Stories, and irreverent Easter and Christmas stories are all firm favourites with our readers.
Added in 2006, Denim Sue's witty and perceptive 'Wiltshire Diary.' is quintessentially English. Eco-warriors, born-again hippies and dedicated tree-huggers alike will find much to amuse and edify them in this section. The rest of you might be far better off nipping down the pub for a swift half...
Baron Crapulence of Chugley Harvard and his dysfunctional family of eccentrics and ne'er-do-wells are so uniformly dreadful that it is no wonder we lost the Empire. Once you have read the tortuous witterings of this disreputable old scion of the British aristocracy as recorded by the talented pen of Felicity O'Toole, you will be left in no doubt why the nobility should never be allowed to breed.
Short Stories is devoted to straight stories on any subject—or triangulated stories, or stories that go around in circles. The stories include Gothic erotica, Horror, Dark Humour, a finely observed character study and a satirical look at an overworked Grim Reaper coping with unhappy clients, family woes and life in a corporate afterworld.
GnomeWATCH was a truly surreal charity event in aid of Amnesty International. Over period of 20 days during the spring of 2006, four leading Internet satirists collaborated to ransom a captured garden gnome on eBay. The auction ran from Monday 3rd April until Thursday 13th April and raised £275.00 for the charity. We supported the event with 24 in-depth news stories which followed the fate of the gnome as he was captured, escaped, recaptured and finally ransomed. GnomeWATCH is well worth re-living for the staggering quality of the stories and the hilarious images we created to support the event. Trust us, you won't be disappointed!
Satire News is one of the most popular areas of the site where you will find scurrilous, as well as thought-provoking lampoons ridiculing leading celebrities and the hypocrisy and vanity of our society. These stories are syndicated on several leading satire news aggregators such as NewsNow and HumorFeed. If you would like to receive our RSS feed please click here or use the links published on our News pages. The Satire News section comprises 9 distinct sections devoted to every aspect of our dysfunctional society—including a 'News Briefs' section and a Totally Britney page lambasting the antics of America's favourite MILF-in-training— Britney Spears.
Our Lord of the Rings Parody section includes literate parodies of J R R Tolkien's 'The Lord of the Rings,' as well as original fan fiction based on the mythology of Middle Earth. Whilst many stories in this section are parodies of specific chapters of Tolkien's immortal trilogy, others, like 'Ringwraiths terrorize English Town', are spoof news stories that introduce the mythology of Middle Earth into our 21st century world. Finally, there is James Haines' magnificent octopus - 'Monty Python - The Lord of the Rings', a monumental work spanning 64 web pages. We hope that you will derive as much amusement and entertainment from these stories as we did in writing them!
The Sherlock Holmes Parody section is distinguished by containing Mercedes Dannenberg's The Case of the Bashful Balrog. At 55,000 words, this is quite possibly the longest Sherlockian parody ever written. Described as 'a tall tale of Devilry and Mystery,' the story can be read as a straightforward detective horror mystery without missing anything of vital importance, whilst those familiar with the works of Tolkien and Conan Doyle will find it almost impossible to put down. Fortunately, we have provided a nicely formatted PDF download for those who don't relish reading 55,000 words online! The Science of Detection and The Strange Adventure of the Lady Arwen are considerably shorter stories which will give the reader a taste of what they can expect should they feel brave enough to tackle 'The Case of the Bashful Balrog.'
Our Sci Fi Humour may not be everyone's cup of Earl Grey hot, but it is one of the oldest sections of the site. Anyway, doesn't every girl dream of being abducted by green aliens with soulful, yellow eyes, four arms and two, enormous willies? I know I do. But then I'm a pretty sick girl, as my therapist, Ms Marit Sigmundsdottir would tell you if you could afford her outrageous fees. Not as sick as Mr Norman House of Ipswich, though, as you will discover if you read the shocking story of his abduction.
Not Pants is, as the name implies — not remotely pants. It contains controversial articles, several inspirational stories and allegorical tales, as well as guest articles on everything from masturbation to the evils of money. Although some of the material is satirical and humorous, our primary intention is to inspire and stimulate the more demanding reader who is prepared to spend a little more time on the site.
Our ever-popular Problem Pages contain a wealth of essential information about everything from penis size to vaginal warts. Every week, our Caring Team of highly trained relationship consultants wrestle with our readers' most intimate personal problems and disgusting fantasies. Whilst we cannot guarantee to cure all the filthy vices and appalling hang ups these sad degenerates appear to suffer from, we can promise you that we always have a bloody good laugh at their expense and hope you will too!
Our Funny Jokes section is crammed with enough original material to keep you chuckling for a week. As well as new jokes you won't have heard before and clever twists on some old favourites, we take a swipe at men and women, have some great press gaffes and unusual English definitions and an ever-expanding page of hilarious, adult limericks. Do have a clean pair of pants handy.
Our Funny Pictures section has the unique distinction of containing some of the oldest and newest material on the site. Among the perennial faviourites in this section are how to make a bacon sarnie with two Apple PowerBooks, a rather unusual Eyetest, a Spoof TV Ad and some witty Flash animations from Italian cartoonist, Bruno Bozzetto.
Though now defunct, our Funny TV Guide was immensely popular with readers during late 2004 and early 2005. In all, we published 15 guides, each covering a week's viewing. Alex DeVille's scathing commentary on the shortcomings of British telly aroused the attention of several newspapers at the time, goading more than one 'D-list' celeb to dash off an angry email to us. Anyone who has ever sat through 'Celebrity Naked Cookathon' or groaned through yet another riveting docudrama about stressed-out plumbers, will love this guide.
The rest of the amusing rubbish on the site is cobbled together from various bits and pieces our writers have contributed over the years but, like the TV Guide, now languishes in cybernertic limbo. Still worth a read though.
Please have a look at our LINKS page before you leave. This not only lists some of the most original and funniest sites on the internet, but also many useful resources and several places we like to shop — do check it out!
I hope you enjoy your visit!
Last updated 21 August 2006
Content, design and construction © 2006 utterpants.co.uk