TV Guide
Please note that this TV Guide is no longer being updated!

Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

TV GUIDE: Alex on the Box
Funny TV Guide | Alex on the Box | Your Guide to what's on Telly in the UK. Alex DeVille sorts the turkeys from the treats
Monday 31st January - Sunday 6th February 2005

AN APOLOGY.. Virus-ridden email
It’s a great thrill to finally be back with you after a short unforeseen break, which was sadly caused by disgruntled ex-members of staff at the BBC. It seems my weekly TV column has upset many people at the Elstree television studios, home of the once-popular EastEnders soap. As I'm sure our thousands of devoted Zoe lovers are aware from the extensive media coverage, Kathleen Hutchison, Executive Producer of EastEnders, sensationally quit the show after just four months in the job.

Her move followed the inexplicable departure of the show's series producer, Sharon Hughff, last week. It gives me no pleasure to announce that the departure of these ladies came after the Metropolitan Police Serious Computer Crime Division discovered they had been responsible for sending a barrage of virus-ridden emails to my account (click the picture!) after a series of unfavourable reviews about the show in this column. In the past week I have been in several meetings with the BBC and various members of the Computer Crime Squad and I have decided to take no further action against Ms Hutchinson or Ms Hughff. In turn, they have agreed to pay for a new computer to replace the one their bastard emails destroyed. (A likely excuse. ed)

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UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Monday 31st January 8.30pm
BBC 2 Star rating 2
Jeremy Paxman Ridiculous student quiz hosted by sneering gobshite Jeremy, 'rotweiler' Paxman, who grills six other twats masquerading as Britain’s elite about all manner of bollocks. In a second round match, the spotty faced students of St Hilda's College, Oxford, take on a bunch of common louts from Leicester University for a place in the quarter finals. Answer this, you spotty scumbuckets: Nearly 72% of American women have admitted to doing this with a washing machine? Umm…Good Luck. Swatpiss! Look out for the tweed jackets. Nice.
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Monday 31st January 9.00 pm Channel 5 Star rating 1
Nadia Almada When it comes to milking cash cows until the udders squeak, Channel Five get top marks for rolling out yet another excuse for talentless shits to make utter arses of themselves on prime time Telly. Presented by Nadia Almada (picture)—a mouthy transsexual (that's a fat bloke without a knob to the rest of you) who's only claim to fame is having the biggest (fake) tits on Big Brother, this two-hour (yes - two fucking hours!) special counts down the top fifty Reality TV 'Moments' as voted for in an exclusive poll of complete loosers—sorry, Channel Five viewers. This completely awful show includes interviews with 'reality stars' past and present from Edwina Currie to Rebecca Loos. Arse!
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utterchoice EASTENDERS Tuesday 1st February 7.30pm
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Cute arse ZoeUnless you've been living under a rock for the last week you cannot have failed to notice the headlines in what passes for the popular press in this sceptic isle. 'Zoe Pregnant!' screamed the Sun. 'Dirty Den dicks EastEnder's dishiest doxie!' ejaculated The Batley Bugle. Well, the producer has been replaced, so things can only get better. It's Utterpants Playmate of the Year, cute arsed Zoe's 21st birthday, and she receives an unwanted gift (I do hope she is not referring to the magazine I sent her last week). Anthony returns to the Square, determined to find the truth behind his drug-dealing brother's death. I would check out the foundations of the Walford flyover if I were you, Anthony...
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SEASIDE RESCUE Wednesday 2nd February 7.00pm
BBC 1 Star rating 2
Seaside rescue Anyone can be in a documentary nowadays as this low-budget BBC effort proves. Today we are following the work of coastal rescue teams, who spend most of their days sat in little huts on the beach smoking and watching daytime TV. There is some action though when a coastguard rescue helicopter comes to the aid of a mum who severed her finger pulling in the anchor chain on her yacht (stupid cow). At Perranporth beach, RNLI lifeguards and the local coastguard work together when disgusting NAZI explosives are washed ashore, and on a serious note the lifeguards hold a beard-growing competition. Hello sailor!
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TRAFFIC COPS Wednesday 2nd February 9.30pm
BBC 1 Star rating 2
Traffic Cops After seeing the lifeguards (above) I bet you're desperate for more cheap fly on the wall documentaries? Well this tiny budget effort narrated by tiresome titwank, Jamie Theakeston, follows the hapless traffic police of South Yorkshire as they enforce the law on some of Britain's busiest and most dangerous roads whilst eating cream pies (or buns). I watched it last week and was quite concerned that the undercover officer in an unmarked car was engaged in a high speed pursuit whilst talking into a hand held radio. Shouldn't he be using a hands free set? I only ask because the same programme has shown coppers dishing out tickets to motorists reckless enough to be caught using mobile phones whilst driving. If you don’t speak Yorkshire you can get subtitles on Ceefax 888.
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utterchoice EASTENDERS Thursday 3rd February
BBC 1 Star rating 4
Cute arse Zoe Gor blimey, guv! Things aint 'alf 'ottin' up dahn da Square now that awful producer woman has buggered off. Tonight yummy lovechops Chrissie and disgusting internet sex-pervert Den's renewal of their marriage vows takes an unexpected turn. Does she discover that the old boy has been knocking off (or trying to knock up our cute arse cover gal Zoe?). Surely not! However Chrissie is no mug and suggests another option for Zoe's future, Is it a cyanide capsule? A pregnancy testing kit? No! It's an invitation to appear on Celebrity Big Brother!

Elsewhere, it's Paul's funeral and Patrick is intent on getting justice for his son. My man in the executive washroom at the BBC informs me that the entire cast and crew have been threatened with the sack if they so much as breathe a word about who's going to bump off Dirty Den on February 19th. Utterpants' firm favourite is Den's scheming missus, Chrissie Watts with odds of 6-4. Next up is cute arse Zoe at 5-2, but my money's on Betty the dog tripping him up outside the Old Vic and sending the scumbucket head first into the cellar where he drowns in a barrel of Skol lager. Priceless!

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uttercrap THE REAL DA VINCI CODE Thursday 3rd February 9.00pm
Channel 4 Star rating 1
The DaVinci Code I couldn't put the subject of this documentary down, such was my haste to finish the book and move on to something written for grown-ups. Mrs DeVille tells me I am the only person on the planet who thinks this 'thrilling brain candy which unlocks the secrets of the past', is utter shite. In Anthony Schaffer's brilliant whodunit stage play, Sleuth (1972), inspector Doppler (Michael Caine) reminds the arrogant, best-selling thriller author, Andrew Wyke (Sir Laurence Olivier), that in order for him to succeed at his craft, he must establish the complete ineptitude of the Long Arm of the Law.

The author of the Da Vinci Code seems to have followed the same, unwritten literary rule in regard to his audience, who are clearly empty-headed American teenagers with far too much time on their hands. Like the book, this dismal documentary serves up cliché after cliché in Tony Robinson's irritatingly chirpy style. Is the Catholic Church involved in an elaborate conspiracy? Is the Holy Grail held by a sinister society? Who cares. Awful!

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MY HERO Friday 4th February 8.30pm
BBC 1 Star rating 2
My Hero: Thermoman Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's camp health-food store owner George Sunday (Played by Ardal O'Hanlon from 'Father Ted'), better known as the world's most fatuous superhero, 'Thermoman.' Another bloody awful excuse for a sitcom about a Gay as a Boat, red-liveried superplonker from outer space. And that’s about as funny as it gets I'm afraid! Tonight Thermoman liberates the stolen Mona Lisa from an art thief's clutches, but comes under suspicion from The Sweeney when he cannot explain its presence in his flat. Thermoman, I am reliably informed, is apparently a red-liveried alien from the planet Ultron whom women find irresistible. Ho ho, fucking ho.
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Friday 4th February 11.00pm ITV 1 Star rating 2
Holiday Homes from Hell Hurray! Yet another cockroach-on-the wall docudrama for those of you who have nothing better to do on a Friday night that veg out on the sofa with a six pack and box of Kleenex. Tremble as a British GP faces jail in Italy after being accused of growing wacky baccy in his garden and shudder as a rural idyll in Crete turns into a Wild West shootout. Idiots! They should visit Ibiza. On my last holiday to that pisswanking island, my 13-year-old daughter acquired vaginal thrush from the hotel pool, a rat in the bath bit my wife on the bum and I got beaten up in a massive pub brawl that was nothing to do with me. To cap it all, Mrs DeVille broke her ankle falling over a cement mixer outside our apartment, there was pubic hair in the bottom of the kettle and the rep was too drunk to sort any of it out! Laugh? We pissed ourselves. If only we'd videod it we could have been on this dreadful show.
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Film COOGAN'S BLUFF Saturday 5th February 12.00am
ITV 1Star rating 4
Coogan's Bluff 1968 was a busy year for Clint Eastwood, as Hang em High, Where Eagles Dare and Coogan's Bluff, all hit the big screen. Clint still wore a cowboy hat in this first attempt to move from the Wild West into the mean streets of suburbia, but under Don Siegel's taut direction he carried off the switch with aplomb. With its black humour, memorable one-liners and a plot with more twists than a plate of spaghetti, Coogan's Bluff is in many ways the forerunner of Dirty Harry. Eastwood's laconic, rural Arizona sheriff tracks down a murderer in Manhattan while trying to cope with big-city sleaze, escalating crime and culture clash. This stylish and gritty crime drama set the seal on Eastwood's screen persona for decades to come and later inspired the McCloud TV series.
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DI'S GUYS Saturday 5th February 8.00pm Channel 4 Star rating 2
Princess Diana The second in a tasteless two-part programme examining the significant men who sought to protect and advise the late Diana, Princess of Wales. Well, in short, they didn’t do a very good job, did they? This edition rakes through her life and loves following her separation, exploring the mechanisms that drove Diana's chaotic private life, and revealing the hold she had over men—and they over her. I am reliably informed that the Princess once spotted some titwank reading a copy of the Sun newspaper whilst out for a jog, came quietly up behind him, lit a match and set fire to the bottom of the rag! Pity she didn't incinerate the editor and his entire bloody staff. Mrs DeVille finds it interesting that so many close 'friends' of Diana have come out of the closet since her death. Where were these people when she was alive? Utter bollocks.
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SUPER BOWL XXXIX LIVE Sunday 6th February 10.40pm
ITV 1Star rating 2
Super Bowl For those of you can barely summon up the enthusiasm to watch the World Cup every four years, I should explain that the Super Bowl allegedly marks the climax of the American Football season, when the two top teams in their National League go head to head for the cup—sorry, trophy. (Yawn). Gobby Gabby Logan and Gary Imlach present coverage from the Alltel Stadium, Jacksonville, Florida, as defending champions the New England Patriots take on the Philadelphia Eagles. I would advise anyone over twenty-five to slip between the sheets early with something hot, but teenage boys might want to make a night of it in case another gormless US celebrity gets her silicone implants out for five seconds. Swatpiss!
Words © 2005 - Alex DeVille. Design and graphics © 2005
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Star rating 4 Unmissable

Star rating 3Worth watching

Star rating 2 Barely bloody watchable

Star rating 1A complete waste of your license fee

Previously on TV GUIDE

24th January -
30th January 2005

17th January -
23rd January 2005

10th January -
16th January 2005

3rd January -
9th January 2005

27th December 2004 -
2nd January 2005

Christmas on the Box: 20th December -
26th December 2004

13th December -
19th December 2004

6th December -
12th December 2004

29th November -
5th December 2004

22nd November -
28th November 2004

15th November -
21st November 2004

8th November -
14th November 2004

1st November -
7th November 2004

25th OCTOBER -
1st November 2004


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