Biting satire, funny stories and humor Biting satire, funny stories and humor
About Utterpants Writers
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About Utterpants Writers
We expose the dysfunctional degenerates responsible for this tacky website - allegedly

Miranda Givings

Miranda S Givings Webmistress & Executive Editor

Miranda (39), is the inspiration behind Utterpants and living proof that women should never be allowed near a computer, never mind being let loose upon an unsuspecting Internet which has the greatest difficulty in understanding satire.

Conceived behind the Lingerie counter at Selfridges, Ms Givings was educated at Purley College for Precocious Young Ladies where a congenital inability to keep her knickers on and a stunningly naïve belief that men were remotely interested in her mind, resulted in her having two children before she even knew she had any ovaries.

Expelled and disgraced, Miranda found herself completely at sea where she quickly learned that being bowled from the pavilion end was not her cup of tea. When she is not alerting the public to the dangers of consorting with dwarves, large vegetables, public toilets, garden gnomes and the benefits of a fresh fruit diet, our webmistress likes nothing better than to curl up with a good book and our Editor-in-Chief.

Derek Tree

Derek Tree

Our Editor-in-Chief was educated in Rugby and Greebling-Stokes College, Oxfod, from where he graduated with a First in Creative Journalism. Derek, (46╝), is an accomplished graphic designer and illustrator whose imaginative artwork graces many of our stories. He spends much of his time avoiding suspicious looking characters wearing striped tea towels on their heads and trying to persuade people not to have cybersex with him on the very reasonable grounds that his arms aren't nearly long enough to reach Kansas.

When he isn't banging on about Tony Bliar or giving complete strangers rather questionable marital advice, Derek can be found testing new recreational devices for Gentlemen and teaching Jennifer Gardner how to play cricket—or so he claims.

Mercedes Dannenberg

Mercedes Dannenberg
Senior Writer

A native of Berlin, Mercedes (44) is the author of many scholarly monographs on the flora and fauna of Middle Earth as well as the highly acclaimed editor of some shocking 19th Century medical treatises on the Evils of coffee and how to detect Unnatural Vice in Young Women. An unacknowledged expert on the unpublished violin sonatas of Sherlock Holmes, Mercy has written several Sherlockian pastiches including a new and terrifying Sherlock Holmes Lord of the Rings Mystery - 'The Case of the Bashful Balrog', which, at 55,000 words, is quite possibly the longest Sherlockian parody ever written.

Mercedes is a frequent contributor to our 'Not Pants' section, for which she has written several unusual articles and a philosophical and inspiring Fairy Story for Grown-Ups — 'The Prince and his Shadow'.

Denim Sue

Denim Sue
Senior Writer

Denim Sue (29½) is professional musician whose contributions to Utterpants are greatly appreciated when she can be bothered to make any. Her musical interest was first aroused at an early age by hearing some of her father's 78rpm records of Adge Cutler & the Wurzels and The White Heather Club Singers. However excessive drinking, clubbing and ecstasy tabs somewhat changed her tastes, including her musical ones. Denim has four children and can even remember one of the fathers, or so she claims. Despite her name Sue was not wearing any denim when her picture was taken; believe us, we've seen the whole picture and she isn't; really.

More of Denim Sue's reportage can be found on the interag.

Keli McTaggart

Keli McTaggart
Senior Writer

Keli McTaggart (26), says she discovered utterpants while searching for designer panties—which is about as convincing as her claim to be the product of an unnatural liaison between Mercedes Dannenberg and an alien with two willies called 'Yyerg.'

Dishy Keli is married to a very nice bloke (with only one willy) and the proud mum of a bouncing baby girl. She lists her interests as fairy stories, clubbing, Harry Potter, electric toothbrushes and making babies — though not neccessarily in that order. Keli has her finger firmly on the seamy belly button of Chav culture and keeps our older readers abreast of the recreational habits of teenagers around the world.

Jennifer Gardner

Jennifer Gardner Senior Writer

Jennifer Gardner (30¼), is a Philosophy Major and championship pool player from Berrien Springs, Michigan — not that we hold that against her. Jennifer makes ends meet tending bar and testing new sex toys and describes herself as a fun-loving girl who enjoys having sex in cemeteries, provided her partners still have a bit of life left in them.

Lissome Jennifer (34-28-35), says she enjoys washing dirty linen, bowling, DIY, dimly-lit alleys and her pussy— though not necessarily all at once. Ms Gardner claims to be the only American member of staff who speaks fluent English, but given that she doesn't have a clue how to make a decent cup of tea we suggest you take that with a pinch of salt.

James Haines

James Haines
Senior Writer

James (33) first started out by pursuing his dream of being an extremely near-sighted gynaecologist before the lure of the dollar praised him from the thighs of Britain's penniless young women and a new career writing rude limericks in American. His claim to have discovered this site while searching for pants was disproved when photographs of Keli McTaggart's bottom were discovered in his dinner jacket.

James is the acclaimed creator of - Monty Python: The Lord of the Rings - a monumental work spanning 64 web pages which has been described as 'A Comedic Masterpiece of Heroic Proportions' by some and a 'complete waste of bandwidth' by others. The story is due to be made into a major motion picture when James can get around to it.

Brianna Banks

Texas - a whole other country
Brianna Banks
Senior Writer

This stunning 6' 2" Texan gold digger and leading expert on the life and times of popular singing sensation, Britney Spears, surely needs no introduction. Brianna (36) continues to raise the temperature of our male readers by her thought-provoking articles on the antics of popular singing sensations and the cultural peccadilloes of her American compatriots.

A staunch Democrat, Brianna is thought to have been employed as a speech writer for Senator John Kerry, which goes some way to explaining his poor performance in the 2004 US Presidential elections.

Felicity O'Toole

Felicity O'Toole Writer

Felicity's idyllic childhood in rural Ireland came to an abrupt end when she attended Cheltenham Ladies' College, 'Handy for the Races', where she learned to appreciate good French red wine and discovered men, 'Well a man, a caretaker at the college as it happens'. On leaving the college, looking for something to do in life to accompany her wine drinking, Felicity decided on matters culinary. Eschewing the thought of actually working in a kitchen preparing food — 'Darling, I couldn't possibly, think of my nails' — she chose instead to eat it and write about it. However, being a young woman of entrepreneurial spirit, Felicity has not been averse to undertaking various other services, especially for rich, elderly gentlemen. Amongst these multifarious activities is her employment by the Right Honourable Lord Crapulence of Chugley Harvard, for whom she acts on occasion as secretary at his town house in Mayfair.

More of Felicity's wit can be found on the interag.

Barry Subchimp

Barry Subchimp Writer

Barry (29¼), an ever-popular after dinner speaker wherever Pikeys gather, has overcome a severe physical handicap and appalling table manners to reach the topmost branch of his profession. When he is not reporting on the antics of the rich and famous, Barry spends much of his time getting blind drunk in the Western Highlands with his delinquent mates and a pedigree sheep called 'Robin'. He assures us that he is too busy preparing a film on his recent excursion to the Shetland islands to write any stories, but those who have seen the out takes maintain it is a merely a low-budget porno flick involving Keli McTaggart and Jennifer Gardner.

How Tenji

The British Empire
How Tenji
An occasional contributor to the Rockall Times, from which we lured him away with the promise of sexual favours (that were never granted), How Tenji (47¼) lives in a Mongolian yurk in rural Cambridgeshire. His domestic life is best described as a complicated ménage-a-trois involving his literary agent’s wife and his crapulent literary agent.

When he's not haranguing extremely large Texan gentleman about capital punishment or fishing for compliments on small Scottish islands, How Tenji can be found in his laboratory torturing small, defenceless plants. Hailed as one of the nations most exciting, prolific and imaginative satirists, Tenji has an irrational fear of Christmas and a pathological hatred of garden gnomes.

Don Pitts

Texas - a whole other country
Don Pitts

One of the most depraved perverts ever to assail science and academia, Don Pitts is a former Texas cowboy, US Marine officer and general derelict who roams college campuses sniffing bicycle saddles and combs farmyards in search of gullible sheep. Although Don says he's the wrong side of 57, we're not sure if that refers to his age or his waistline. When he's not examining spider penises, buttering up sheep, or peering up the skirts of Texas Cheerleading sluts, Don likes nothing better than shopping at his local Amish Adult Store with his beautiful young bicycle-racing wife, who stays with him because she maintains any other pursuit would mean finding a real job.

And finally, a big round of applause for the impoverished gang of misanthropic hacks, who, desperate for their fifteen minutes of fame, have contributed their unique insights into our sick society for the benefit of the 27 people who visit this site.

TIP: You can search for any writer's stories by entering their full name into our site-wide deep search thingie.

Utterpants contributors David Agosta

Talentless slut Barbie

Utterpants contributors Snoz Bunsen

Toxic Candy Sex Shock

Utterpants contributors Hubris Cachet

Eva Herzigova Bares All

Utterpants contributors Robert Carey

George Bush wages war on Fat

Utterpants contributors Lorenzo Cassanell

Angelina Jolie rutted by Chocolate Moose

Utterpants contributors Lola ChevrolÚt Alien Abduction: the sextastic truth
Utterpants contributors Jenny Corvette Phone Sex foils Suicide Attempt

Utterpants contributors Alex DeVille

Prescott Bounces Back After Animal Sex Shame

Utterpants contributors Ray Grant Lost Mars Probe Found

Utterpants contributors Sean Hoade

Tough Love

Utterpants contributors Doug Jewell Sex Swop

Utterpants contributors J J Jogolo

Elton John to open Michael Jackson Trial

Utterpants contributors Robert Levin

Sex with a very large Woman

Utterpants contributors Dave McKay

Wanking: the last taboo

Utterpants contributors Dale Petrie

Tom Cruise: 'I'm not Gay!'

Utterpants contributors Georgia Prince

Thongs: a health risk

Utterpants contributors Donald Twain

Animal Big Brother hits problems

Utterpants contributors Jeff Vachon

Sex with Teacher Approved by School

Utterpants contributors Cynthia Vespia

Death's Grand Design

Utterpants contributors Eggo Waffles

The Heirs of Gondor

Last updated 21 August 2006
Design and construction © 2006

Launched appropriately enough on April 1st 2002 by three women, Utterpants began life by stripping away the crotchless panties from the festering yeast infection that underlies our hypocritical attitudes to sex, Gender and Celebrity.

The fact that some corporate firewalls still block access to the site in the mistaken view that we're peddling soft porn, proves just how many people have difficulty in grasping the concept of satire. Utterpants has always offered much more to the discerning reader. Dig deep; you won't be disappointed.

To find out what's what in our pants, click here

What visitors are saying about Utterpants - no really. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, honest.


If you're thinking of publishing any of our content on your website please read this FIRST!

A lot of very talented people spend a lot of time writing for Utterpants so you can have a giggle and/or have your thoughts provoked a little. All we ask in return is that you do not steal their stuff and bung it on your tacky website. That's not much to ask, is it?

If you steal our content we will not hesitate to take legal action against your hosting company. So, if you don't want your bottom smacked , please don't steal our stuff, OK?


Some visitors seem to think this is a Porn Site. They're obviously people who have some difficulty in grasping the concept of SATIRE.

Utterpants satirises the hypocritical and bigoted attitudes towards gender, sex nudity and celebrity that plague our society. This seems to upset some people (largely Americans) who are convinced that a glimpse of a bare breast is a fast-track passport to Hell and Damnation.


Below you'll find links to some of our longer stories and main site sections. Enjoy.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Sherlock Holmes Parody
One of our Submarines is Missing
Satire News Stories
The Last Supper
Funny Jokes
Denim Sue's Wiltshire Diary
Funny Stories
The Lord of the Scrolls
Lord of the Rings Parody
The Day the Earth Moved
SciFi Humour
Little Red Riding Hood
Short Stories
The Case of the Bashful Balrog
GnomeWATCH - relive the magic
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web
The Penis Paragraphs ads by pants Intelligent satirical broadsheet devoid of journalistic merit or factual basis ads by pants The Evils of Coffee ads by pants Very Personal Problems Pages ads by pants The Sleaze: Incredible Lies Today - Still Bollocks Tomorrow! ads by pants The Great British Magazine for Young Chaps ads by pants