'David' from Ludlow, UK responds to our advice: Your reply to my recent RF radio problem letter makes a number of explicit points containing sexual references - some fair, others less so. I agree that a silver cock-ring would immensely improve reception of Radio 4. Much of this new ‘sex tech’ is still being tested and only time will tell if it actually works. However, your suggestion that I masturbate whilst listening to The Archers is quite offensive. I can only surmise that you are making fun of me, which I find very hurtful. You may also be interested to know that inserting a mobile telephone up my bottom did not solve the ‘tic-tic-tic’ problem.

You are obviously not familiar with Dr Alexander McPherson's recent experiments with FM signal transmission which make nonsense of your contention that RF broadcast noise cannot be inhibited by inserting a mobile telephone up one's bottom. One wonders whether you fully inserted the device or merely toyed with it half-heartedly. I apologise unreservedly for the suggestion that you masturbate whilst listening to the Archers. This was a most regretable typographical error. It should have read: 'Either stop masticating to The Archers or if you must crack nuts whilst listening to Radio 4, remove the 'Prince Albert' penis piercing from your willy in good time.

'David' from Ludlow, UK, asks: After the Philips midi hi-fi in my bedroom gave up the ghost earlier this year, I've started recording radio programmes from my Dad's recently-bought stack hi-fi, kept in his bedroom upstairs, fed by an RF signal from a circular FM antenna on the roof. With all this information in hand, the problem is that I'm unable to get a good signal from Radio 4 in stereo. Mono R4 gives a good, relatively interference-free signal, but stereo R4 has a continual 'ff- tic-tic-tic-ff-tic-tic-tic' in the background. Is this due to electro-magnetic radiation from the computers and audio equipment I have downstairs or just due to a poor signal?

This is a common problem which affects approximately 97.264% of single men in their late forties, living at home with too much time on their hands. You basically have two choices open to you, David. Either stop masturbating to The Archers or if you must crack one off whilst listening to Radio 4, remove the 'Prince Albert' penis piercing from your willy in good time. The 'ff- tic-tic-tic-ff-tic-tic-tic' noise you can hear is the FM antenna on the roof picking up magnetic interference from your cock ring each time you pleasure the python. One of our writers has a similar problem whilst watching 'EastEnders' and successfully overcame it by having his nipples pierced. It seems that wearing two or more pieces of ironmongery in different bodily locations creates an FM sine-wave which cancels out any RF interference with radio or television broadcasts. You could also experiment with inserting a mobile telephone up your bottom. Keli McTaggart swears by it when she's listening to Radio 1.

'Jack' from Idaho, USA, asks: Please help, my wife is unable to have an orgasm unless I stimulate her with my mouth. What could be wrong with her?

I wish I could say that your wife's problem proves how harmless masturbation is. But it's clearly apparent that too much fiddling around with her external genitalia has conditioned her to respond only to clitoral stimulation.
First, your wife needs to relearn her sexual responsiveness, concentrating on taking nine inches of hugely empurpled man meat up her love tunnel like a decent woman. Secondly, you should explain the non-procreative nature of oral sex to her and remind her of her duty to provide you with the prescribed 2.2 children.

'Kat' from Chigwell, UK asks: My husband has been pressing me to engage in anal sex but I don't feel at all comfortable with his request. It seems too dirty and animal-like, but as a good Christian Father Xavier says I should submit to his desires. Please help me reconcile these two viewpoints.

So, your hubby wants to sweep your chocolate chimney? Don't worry, you are not alone. Thousands of women all over the country are being bowled from the pavillion end on a nightly basis. Some religions contend that 'uphill gardening' is against the will of God, but Church bishops have long extolled the virtues of using the tradesman's entrance. You could try to view this as a blessing in disguise. Since biologists have proved that the chocolate starfish is not really designed for sexual intercourse, there is no reason for you to feel pressured into faking an orgasm. This means you husband can be in and out of your chimney in a trice, leaving you more time for more important wifely duties, like dusting, changing nappies and washing your husband's socks. If you still feel uncomfortable with the idea of 'backdoor burglary', simply send your husband to the bathroom with a Kleenex and a large chocolate éclair. He'll get over it. If he complains, try shoving a wire brush up his bottom while he's asleep; that always works for me.

'Jennifer' from Michigan, USA, asks:
This is a weird question although I'm sure you've heard it before. I'm not complaining at all but when I masturbate I can go on for what seems like forever. I always have multiple orgasms (one time I counted and it was 11), but when my boyfriend makes love to me I only have one. Is it normal to have so many orgasms?

It is if you are using a triple-speed de-luxe Rabbit with matching anal stimulator. Clearly you either need to use a less stimulating toy or get a new boyfriend. To be on the safe side you should contact me for a private consultation as a matter of urgency and let me know where you buy your sex toys from.

'Nicola' from South London, asks:
I may sound stupid but I was wondering if, like, I cud get pregnant by my b/f if we had sex around the time of my period and he didn't put his thingie inside me or like squirt anything and we used a condom and I didn't sit on the loo after him or anything. It has been like really doing my head in and I just wanna know if it is possible. Please write back ASAP!

You are clearly so unbelievably stupid that anything is possible. I would strongly suggest you have nothing more to do with your boyfriend and start masturbating. Not only will this reduce your chances of getting pregnant to almost zero but will prepare you for the career for which you are so eminently qualified; a total wanker.

'Tanya' from the UK asks:
I'm a 14 yr old female and I was wondering if a boy had cum on his penis and he only stuck it in half way is there a way to get pregnant?

Please read the answer above and stop wasting my time!