'Stephanie Rose', from Norwich, in the UK asks:
I was fruity the other day when my husband was at work and I decided to give my totem pole another try. It is similar to a rabbit, an earlier version, or cheaper and it rotates as well as vibrates. It has been under the bed for years and I usually use my vibrator, but this time thought differently. Anyway it was a bit dusty, so I blew the dust off and used it. Needless to say I am now in agony. I think I might have thrush, stupid of me I know not to have cleaned it properly but I'm itchy and sore and desperate. I have taken medication for thrush but I'm worried, and this is where you could possibly help me, that I could have something wrong with me other than thrush. Could I have an infection other than thrush because understandably, I would be mortified to visit my GP with this information. Please help.

The bad news is that masturbating with a filthy sex toy can indeed cause the infection you refer to as 'thrush'—or more properly Chlamydia trachomatis. The good news is this infection in no way involves the nesting of birds (Hylocichla Mustelina, more commonly known as the Wood Thrush), in your love tunnel. If you're worried what your Doctor might think, just tell him your hubby accidently used a dusty condom one night when he came back drunk from the pub. How were you to know? Like most wives who have to endure this ordeal once a month, you were fast asleep at the time. In the meantime, resist the temptation to scratch in public, and steer clear of mature cottage cheese, as it will only remind you of your unfortunate condition.

'Haggis', from Ipswich, in the UK, asks:
I have been going out with this boy for 4 months now and I am goin to give him a blow job except I am worried how do I get his penis into my mouth? Do I pick it up? If he licks me out what do I do? Do I just lay there? Also I have a really big mole on my fanny and I need to know if there is any way of me being fingered or licked out with out boys seeing it! Please write back soon I really need to know!

You didn't give your age, but judging by your questions and your location, you're even dimmer than the average fourteen-year-old Suffolk Chavette. Unless your boyfriend's willy is detachable there's not much chance of picking it up unless you snip it off first, which is not necessarily a bad idea given what he intends to do with it. If you don't have a problem stuffing your face with chips you're not going to have a problem sucking on his tiny todger. I'm a bit more worried about him licking you out though. If you imagine that you're just going to lie there and think of Burberry caps, either he's even more clueless about sex than you are or some bastard nicked your clitty while you weren't looking. As for the mole, tell him it's your clit. Chances are he'll never know the difference because he won't be able to find it anyway.

'Alice' from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
Hi, i know this boy, and we r really good friends and i want to give him a blow job, how do i do it? My friends say it's simple but i don’t have a clue and i want it to be the best blow job he has ever had. Help me please.

The secret to a giving a mind-blowing BJ is in the teeth. No matter what you’ve heard, men love the scraping of a woman’s ivories on their little todgers. So open wide, Alice, and wrap your nashers around his knob. The moans you hear above you may sound agonizing to you, but trust me, your man is only expressing how lucky he is to have you. Do be prepared for him to ejaculate in your face, which every man learns from watching porn. The only way to avoid cream in your eye is to swallow.

'Tension' from Washington D C, in the USA, asks:
I'm 19 years old and my problem is i masturbate a lot. Whenever i see any gal my only intention is to fuck her, but because I masturbate so much, i'm weak and i'm not in good health. I've tried to control my masturbation but i can't. I masturbate once or twice an hour and sometimes i have wet dreams as well. My major problem is my penis is a bit curved and i'm tense all the time.

It’s easy to stop wanking. Simply click CTRL-ALT-DEL whenever you come across a website with naked girls on it (or boys). That will take your hand away from your little weenie and close those pesky porn sites you’ve hacked into. The curvature of your penis can be cured by simply clamping it firmly in a vice and tightening the screw until it straightens out. Not only will this lengthen your manhood but also increase your chances of scoring with a girl who isn't inflatable.

'Alana' from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
I hope you can help me. I am 15 years old and up to now whenever I have sucked my boyfriend's willy i have always let him finish with his stuff going on my breast or belly. But now he said he wants to finish in my mouth and watch me swallow it. Is this normal, and if I do it what will it taste like and will it harm me? Please help as I don't want to lose my boyfriend but I don’t what to do something that's not normal.

Your best mate's not called 'Alice' is she? Healthy 'cum' is completely harmless and loaded with nutrients, sugars and proteins, Alana. But if your man is anything like the average teenage wanker, his 'stuff' is going to taste like the inside of his socks, so unless you want to spend a fortune on mouthwashes, don't inhale. Men who eat healthily (tons of fruit and veg) will produce cum that's yummier than a bar of Cadbury's flake. But if your boyfriend eats crap, his cum will taste like shit. In that case get him to try it himself. I guarantee the tosser won't dare ask you to swallow ever again!

'Waseem' from Lahore, in Pakistan asks:
I think I may have masturbated too much in the past. Now, I am suffering from a disease that when I go to the toilet I can't stop dribbling for a few minutes. Why is this happening? Please help me overcome this embarrasing problem.

This is a common problem among teenage boys who don't have a girl friend to show them how to wank properly. The correct way to spank the monkey is not to yank on your little chapati like it's your village pump, but to gently rub the tip with a well-lubricated thumb and forefinger. That way you won't strain the prostrate gland which is all that prevents you dribbling continuously. As the damage is already done, the only solution is to learn to pee sitting down like a civilized person. This will not only stop you dribbling like a geriatric wanker, but mean your mother doesn't have to clean the toilet seat every time she uses it after you.