Some problems visitors have sent to us are of a very intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean
NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?
It's really very simple, Rachael. Make sure that you are in a very public place and wearing your sexiest clothes. When no one is looking, slide your hand into his pants and gently massage his hideous 'thing'. If he's anything like most wankers, it should start to swell and stiffen within ten seconds. When it's completely stiff and he's gasping for breath, yank down his trousers and push him into the nearest group of bystanders. With any luck he will make a sticky mess in his pants, cause a dreadful scene and never ask you to 'wank him off' again.
from Duluth, in the USA asks:
Have you tried your local hardware store, Sam? If they don't sell steel rods, most women will be more than happy with a nine-inch cucumber or banana.
from Birmingham in the UK, asks:
Oh dear. I really don't know how to break this to you gently, Maddy. If you had paid a little more attention to popular music and a little less to 'cosy lie-ins', you would know that 'Dave Clark' is the latest in a long line of hip-hopping ultra-cool, funky euphemisms for anal sex. In short, your pervy wankrag of a boyfriend is a secret marmite-driller who wants to use the tradesman's entrance. Run!
(17), from the USA, asks:
I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest trick in the world, Courtney. The reason you're so wet is that your cheating boyfriend is dumping gallons of cream in your love tunnel every time you have sex! Why do you think he never lets you see the condoms he's using? The sly wanker is tearing the teats off them before he uses them. My advice is to start planning for a really big family and stick to having sex with your fingers.
from Bournemouth, in the UK, asks:
I wish I could tell you it would grow, Owen, but at your age that's as unlikely as me growing balls. However, it's not all bad. Your lack of pubic hair is a huge turn-on. In fact I'm so turned on by it I want to lick you all over right now. Having such a very tiny todger means you're the proud owner of a novelty most girls would rip your clothes off to play with—I know I would. Just think, we can swallow all three inches of you and not gag! What's more, you can stimulate us in ways bigger boys can't, because your willy is just the right size to tickle our love buttons without ever entering our pussies.
'Andy', from Rochdale
in Lancashire, in the UK, asks:
You're not related to 'Owen' are you, Andy? Frankly, I'm rather surprised your girlfriend managed to keep a grip on your tiny winkle long enough to do the business. The reason she said she didn't care how big it was (I think she meant 'small' actually, but she was trying to be kind), is that she wants you to stick it down her throat. Not only will this stop her soiling her pretty hands but if she sucks it long enough it may just grow big enough not to get lost in her yummy love tunnel.
(16), from Utah, in the USA, asks:
Put on some very loud music. Tie your boyfriend down to your bed and blindfold him. Then get out your mom's vacuum cleaner, attach the hose to his willy and switch on. Not only will this give him the best blow job he's ever had, but save you having to wash your hair and pretty face afterwards. Do let me know how you get on, darling.
(26), from Staten Island, in the USA, asks:
You are a stupid tart, Charlene, who should stick to masturbating as you clearly don't have a clue about sex. Unless you are a masochist who enjoys having her pussy sandpapered I suggest you teach your knobhead of a boyfriend how to make you wet and keep you that way. You may find that reading this will help.
MORE PROBLEMS BACK TO SEARCH PAGE