'Linda' (16) from London, asks:
I have known this girl for eight years and she was my best mate. I don’t know what to do because she has met someone else and they are now best mates. They are now part of a 'gang' and she has turned against me and my friends. what should I do? should I just leave her or should I try and make up?
I take it you're discreetly trying to tell us you've been dipping your toe, or possibly three fingers into the fountain of Sappho, Linda? Well, I'm sorry to disillusion you, but lesbians are heartless bitches at the best of times, and your 'mate' has clearly decided that her new 'gang' are a lot more fun to play naughty games with than you ever were. Dump her and find yourself a nice, dim Chav. If you play your cards right you should be pregnant in a little over six months and the social will give you two hundred quid a week and a lovely three-bedroomed house in Hammersmith. Yummy!

'Charlie' from South Shields, in the UK, asks:
I have been a fairly high achiever throughout life and have worked hard to prove my
capabilities. I have found this somewhat fruitless. I went to university but have failed to start a career and ended up washing dishes in a kitchen. I have little self control and seek the short term fix constantly. I smoke, drink and take drugs and want to stop and I seek constant female attention and I'm not getting any. I am a generally good hearted person who gets taken advantage off because it's almost like I'm frightened of conflict. I am generally unorganized and make no plans for the future and live day to day. I am looking to change the way I behave, how people see me and create a stable backbone to my turmoil.
You're a complete and utter waste of space, Charlie and the whole world and his mum knows it. Do yourself a favour and just top yourself. You know you want to. But do the dishes first. There's no need to leave the place in a mess, is there?

'Robert', from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
My boss at work is an attractive forty-five-year-old woman and due to some
mistakes I have made she wants to discipline me; the problem is she wants to spank my bare bottom over her knee. Whilst I haven't really got a problem with the spanking I am worried that when I stand up afterwards I might be a bit stiff.
Dr Sigmundsdottir replies: This is an increasingly common problem in the workplace now that women are on top. The solution is a simple one, Robert. You need to make sure your hideously empurpled member is between your Boss's thighs whilst she is spanking you. Not only will this reduce the stiffness and ensure you discharge yourself with dignity, but with any luck, impregnate her and allow you to get her job when she is on maternity leave.

'Mandy', from Pontypridd, in Wales, asks:
I'm in a relationship with a twat I've been going out with for three years. We split up for about eight months cuz he was crap in bed but got back together. Since then its gone from bad to worse. I never see him and he never has any time for me and he's always with his boring mates. He claims he loves me but I do wonder. What should i do?
Marry him like a shot. Not only will this take another wanker out of circulation but ensure that marriage guidance counsellors and divorce lawyers don't run out of work.

'Makrani' (34), from Delhi, in India, asks:
Please can you tell me how to widen my pussy? My boyfriend complains it is too small. I feel very much paining during intercourse.
You don’t mention whether you still have all your 'bits' or if your thoughtful aunt removed them with a rusty spoon and sewed up your love tunnel when you were a toddler. The reason your boyfriend wants to widen your pussy is to make it easier for your future sons to slither out while you are cooking, cleaning or milking the family cow. The sooner you dump the chauvinistic tosser, get yourself a nice girlfriend and buy a multi-speed 'Rabbit', the better.

'Kelly' (20), from Phillipsburg, in the USA, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for some time and have done just about everything. We've just started a new thing that whenever I'm giving him head or jerking him off he'll finish off by cumming on my face. I've noticed that after I wash it off, the next day my face would be considerably clearer. Will him cumming on my face clear up my acne?
Your only mistake was washing it off, Kelly. Cum is a natural antiseptic and a panacea for many skin afflictions. Consider where sperm hang out. Other than your arsehole of a president, when was the last time you saw a prick with spots?

'Aimee' (17), from Wallasey, in the UK asks:
Help! My b/f sez he wants to have a night of everythink. What does he do with his fingers and how can he make me wet? What do I do in oral sex?
Getting your boyfriend to hand over his platinum MasterCard and PIN number should get you dripping wet. Promising not to spend more than 10,000 pounds should ensure he gives you oral sex. This will leave his fingers free to tear his hair out while you consider what to spend his money on.

‘Sarah’ (16), from North Wales, in the UK asks:
Hi i am a virgin, and have just started dating a new b/f and am staying at his place soon and am worried that i wont be as good in bed as other people he has slept with, and wont be able to pleasure him.
You are clearly a very naïve girl, Sarah. The chances are the other women he has slept with simply let him masturbate over their titties while they pleasured themselves with their favourite vegetable. I suggest you follow their example. Not only will this mean you avoid having to admit his odious sausage into your love tunnel, but the intensity of your orgasm will convince him never to ask for sex again.

‘Rachael’ (17), from Bolton, in the UK, asks:
Every time me and my boyfriend have sex, I end up fanny farting and it really embarrasses me. What causes me to do this and is there any way of preventing this from happening?
The cause of this distressing complaint is trapped wind in the your vagina which is not uncommon in young girls who don't masturbate often enough.
The solution is to get your boyfriend to tongue your love button whilst sucking gently on your vaginal lips for fifteen or twenty minutes before you have intercourse. Not only will this give you a massive orgasm and expel any air in your pussy, but make it unnecessary for you to admit his hugely empurpled member into your love tunnel ever again.

‘Jaynie’ (16), from the UK, asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for just over 5 months, and im scared to go down on him, i want to but i don't really know how to! I’m so scared, my mates keep asking me why i wont do it. i don’t know why myself. I’m confused and scared. HELP!
I'm not surprised you're confused and scared, Jaynie. Going down on most little boys is only slightly less unpleasant than sticking your head down the toilet after your boyfriend has used it. Provided you get him to scrub his hideous tool with toilet cleaner for at least five minutes, make sure he wraps it up in three condoms and hold your nose while you do the dirty deed, you should be OK.

'Barnaby' (32), from the UK, asks:
When cushion-pushing upon my partner I tend to develop grizzled painful schematics along my shaft. She says it's my fault for being so sensitive. How can I tell her that shagging her is like sticking your willy in a pothole? Can she get her minge re-surfaced?
I'm afraid your girlfriend is right. You have clearly been spending so much time wanking over pictures of 'porno pussies' on the Internet that you are unable to arouse your partner enough to lubricate her 'bits'. I suggest you buy her a vibrator and go back to shagging the inflatable doll you keep under your bed.