'Jessica', (aged 15) from Somerville, in the USA, asks:
The inner part of my you-know-what is hanging out. I don’t know
why. If you have a way to fix it please do so as this is important to
my personal life.
The only 'fix' is to stop masturbating so much. All
that constant wanking has artificially stretched your inner lips until
they look like a bedraggled puppy without a home. Either stop beating
kitty senseless or save up your pocket money for plastic surgery.
'Stacy' (21), from
Scranton in the USA, asks:
I've been with my boyfriend for almost six years and he seems to think
that he can't satisfy me in the bedroom, but he does satisfy me. Please
help before it's to late. I don't want to lose him!
You really are very stupid, Stacy. If your boyfriend
says he is unable to satisfy you in the bedroom he clearly wants to
have sex in the kitchen, probably on the table and preferably on top
of a freshly baked apple pie. Have you no imagination?
'Katie', from Kingsbridge,
in the UK, asks:
I'm 18 and i'm not very bright and sometimes act a little too much of
a ten-year-old i think it's coz i left school when i was young and have
a really bad lack of confidence and am even afraid to walk down the
road on my own in case someone speaks to me. Please help me!
Well, I could advise you to go on a very expensive
assertiveness training course, but there's a much simpler and cheaper
solution to your problem. Dress in your shortest skirt and hang around
the nearest bus shelter until a bloke turns up. Then drop your knickers,
bend over and open your legs. With any luck he'll have done the business
before you even know it and you probably won't even have to talk to
him. Once the baby arrives you'll quickly develop all the confidence
you need looking after your little love bundle and blagging freebies
off the social.
'Kristin' (17),
from Port Saint Lucie, Florida, in the USA, asks:
If a guy cums all over your stomach and then rubs his fingers in it
and fingers you, can you get pregnant? My bf did it two different times.
Can i get pregnant or not?
Only if you licked his fingers. If you did, those
pesky little sperms will have jumped down your throat, swum through
your pretty tummy, drilled a little hole into your love tunnel, and
be well on their way to making babies by now. Still, look on the bright
side, you're fortunate enough to live in a country where getting an
abortion is as easy as ordering a pizza and a lot less fattening.
'Richard', aged 22,
from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
I was reading your
article on penis size. Is this for real? My dick is 3 inches soft
and 5 inches hard, is that too small? Are you sure the measurements
in the examples are true?
Of course they're true, Richard. Would we make something
like that up? Try to look on the bright side. Whilst you may never be
able to reach any girl's 'G spot', or satisfy her totally as a woman,
at least you won't made her gag when she's sucking on your fun-sized
todger.
'Pebbles' (14) from
the UK, asks:
There is this teacher
at school i have a huge crush on and i don't even think it's a crush
cos it's worse I'm not eating or sleeping and whenever I want to talk
to my friends about it they say i shud get over him but i can't what
should i do?
I could tell you to confess your undying adoration.
Your hero will then plant a romantic kiss on your virgin lips, crush
your scrummy titties to his manly breast and sweep you off your pretty
feet to a never-never land where fourteen-year-old girls live happily
ever after with their gorgeous, forty-three-year-old sugar daddies in
fairy-tale cottages by a little stream where cute bunny rabbits gambol
on the grass.. Sorry, I think I must have nodded off there!
Just shag him, Pebbles. Not only will this cure your
insomnia and give you back your appetite, but with any luck you'll be
able to finger him to the Filth after he's dumped his man juice in your
love tunnel and net yourself a big, fat compensation payment for under-age
sex and mental trauma. Of course, if you're stupid enough to use a condom
you can kiss any chance of a bunking off those pesky exams goodbye,
never mind grabbing yourself a luxury council flat with a widescreen
telly, jacuzzi and split-level hob, because you need to be up the pole
to get some of that. It's what any scheming little slapper with more
sense than knickers would do.
'Honey', from Essex,
in the UK, asks:
i am a 22 year old teacher and one of my year 11 boys who is also in
my form is always getting detentions with me and i didn't know why he
was always in so much trouble until the other day he told during a detention
that he wanted to take me into the english supplies room and give me
a good shagging he also asked me to give him 'head' i was flattered
that he liked me as he is a good looking young boy but if any one found
out if we had done the dirty then i would get sacked please help me
i don't know what to do?
You are a silly young woman who is clearly incapable
of handling
young boys. I suggest you become a prostitute. Not only will this
provide you with the sexual experience you lack, but prevent any more
vulnerable children having to put up with a teacher who hasn't a clue
how to construct a properly punctuated, grammatically correct English
sentence.
'Papa Bear', from
Tampa, in Florida, in the USA, asks:
I am a 26 year old sex freak but my wife is not as active nor as experienced
as I
am. Sometimes we go for weeks without any sex and she can't seem to
make me cum while giving me head because she's not very good at it.
What is it with you Americans and your obsession
with 'head'? Nature provided a perfectly adequate receptacle for your
odious tool; it's called your right hand.
I suggest you learn how to use it properly and stop wasting my time.
Oh, and you might also want to employ a private detective to follow
your wife as she seems to have given up on you and found herself
another wanker.
'James', from Norwich,
in the UK asks:
I met this fifteen-year-old girl when I was sixteen. We went to school
together, and
everything was perfect. After school we moved in together for a year
and still everything was perfect. I'm now twenty-one, but then she went
to uni in September last year. It was hard, but we knew it would be.
Just before the Christmas break, she cheated on me, only a kiss. I eventually
took her back during the Christmas break, it was a bit weird, but I
thought we could get through it. A week after she went back to uni,
she dumped me. I knew when she came back at Easter, she would want to
get back together again, which she does. Before I saw her, I told her
I wouldn't take her back until she went back to uni after Easter, as
otherwise she may just dump me again. However, I saw her the other day,
and I really feel like I'm over her, and I now have no intentions of
getting back with her. She is saying how she doesn't mind waiting for
me, as she thinks we will get back together when she goes back to uni.
The thing is, I don't want her to wait for me. Although she hurt me,
I am not looking for revenge, and I still care for her, so I do not
want to hurt her. What do I do?
Wake up and smell the cowpat you keep treading
in, James. You don't really imagine your girlfriend stopped at just
one kiss, do you? Get a grip! She clearly has, or more likely, taken
your rival’s hugely
empurpled member up her furry front bottom whilst laughing herself
silly at your naivete. The only reason she said she'd 'wait for you',
is because, like most little girls, she wants to have her cake and eat
it, or in this case, be eaten out by one wanker while she screws another
one (you!)
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