'Ann,' from Mesquite, in the USA, asks:
My boyfriend wants to screw my friends. I have been with the same guy for 8 years and sex used to be great. Now he would rather jack off then have sex. He always has fantasies about screwing all of my friends. I try not to let it bother me but I just can't get over it.

The only fantasy in your relationship is your failure to realise he IS screwing all your friends. Why else do you think he prefers wanking over their panties to having sex with you?

'Carrie,' from Batley, in the UK, asks:
I am a 17 year old girl with no sex drive! I have a long term boyfriend and we started having sex in January! We've never managed to go the full hog because I spend most of the time screaming in agony! Yes, after 9 months I still hurt! Please help, we've tried everything but because of the pain I'm scared to keep trying.

If you can't tell your furry front bottom from Cadbury alley I'm afraid you'll just have to bear the pain or stop dating chimney sweeps.

'Gemma' (15), from Crawley, in the UK, asks:
My boyfriend asked me if my vagina was tight or loose what should I say? I don’t want him to be put off cos I love him.

Why not say: 'My last boyfriend never complained and he said his willy was on the small side?'

'Louise' (17), from Walsall, in the UK, asks:
Me and my boyfriend has had sex but we need help coz sometimes it never goes in and we have to use Vaseline we don’t wanna use that all the time, we want to do it normally but we can't please help!! And his thing goes all funny.

The reason it doesn't 'go in' is because your boyfriend is a knobhead who doesn't know how to get you wet, you silly girl. Either find yourself a real man who knows how to milk your pussy or get your cat to do it.

'Judy,' (14), from Laguna Niguel, California, in the USA, asks:
I got in a fight with a new kid (who used to be my friend) and everyone, including my old friends, hates me. It started cuz this guy was following me and said some really bad things about me, like he wanted to have it with me. I told my friend wat he said, and instead of helping me, he made fun of me. I got so angry I threatened to beat him up, and I made fun of his sister. Everyone on the bus heard and thinks I'm a jerk. Everyone is being mean to me. Calling me a jerk and throwing things at me, putting me on the guilt train. And I feel like shooting myself in front of all of them. Even after I apologised too! I'm thinking of running away from home, but I'm too young and don't have any money to support myself. I haven't told my parents, because I'm afraid and don't think they would do anything about it. This is horrible and I need fast results.

There's only one solution, Judy. Bend over in full view of everyone on the school bus, lift up your skirt and slide your Barney the Dinosaur panties down your legs so that everyone can see your naked butt. Then invite the friend you're arguing with to sweep out your chocolate chimney. It may not make you feel any better, but it won't cost you a cent and should make you less anally retentive in future.

'Tracy,' from Ottawa, in Canada, asks:
My beagle is jealous of everyone, what do I do?

I'm sorry, we're not vets, Tracy. Perhaps if you stopped blowing the other dogs in the neighbourhood your beagle wouldn't get so jealous?

'Robert,' from Gateshead, in the UK, asks:
I recently had sex with a woman and I wore a condom throughout, that was ten days ago and now I have a hot sensation in my penis as if it has been rubbed with sandpaper. Is this normal?

Perfectly. If the sensation is accompanied by a burning pain when you pee, we recommend you stop dating the syphilitic, fourteen-year-old chav who tore the condom with her teeth when she blew you, before charging you a bottle of cider to get her pregnant.

'Brittany Lynn,' (15) from Durand, Wisconsin, in the USA, asks:
I liked this one boy so I decided to ask him out and I decided to send him a note but he never answered me back. Does that mean he doesn't like me or he isn't ready?

Neither. It means he’s another illiterate victim of Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act. As he can’t read, the only way to tell if he really fancies you is by asking him if he’d like to reach into your panties. Tell him you’ve got a cherry down there for him.

'John,' from Ivybridge, in the UK, asks:
I am looking for guidance as I am worried that I might loose my partner to my fetish as it has cost me one marriage already but I just can't help myself. I like to dress in womens' clothing. I don't know why it just feels good. I am not gay or anything like that but I just like to do it every time I'm on my own but I'm always afraid my partner will find out. If you can advise me in any way it will be appreciated.

Contrary to popular opinion, John, women love it when blokes dress up in lacy undies and pretty frocks. But if you really want to get your partner in the mood, pop an apron on and cook dinner for her. Oven mitts are a huge turn-on to us girls.

'Elizabeth,' from London, asks:
I am 22 years old and have been sexually active for a while now but the partner that I am with now, is too big for me. I know it sounds crazy as women are always going on about size matters but I feel like every time we have sex it hurts and when he thrusts his penis inside me I can feel it all the way up to my womb Could this damage me in any way and what can I do to accommodate his size?

I'm afraid you need a bigger pussy, Liz. Unless you plan on waiting nine months for a little bundle of joy to do the job for you, you'll have to do it yourself. You can either use a pair of rubber gloves and an ordinary bathroom plunger or find a doctor with really big feet who can get to the root of your problem.

'Bob,' from Bytown, in Canada, asks:
I have a minuscule member. If I had joined the Navy on a cold day, I would have been a WRN. Most women I have slept with had bigger clitoris'. Should I just go celibate, or switch to gerbils full time?

As committed animal lovers we recommend the former, Bob.

'Jarvis,' from Corning, in the USA, asks:
I see in all these porn clips and what not girls that get so excited when they have sex that when they orgasm, they squirt right across the room. I'm trying to be able
to get my girlfriend to feel this 'sensation' and have these amazing orgasms, but so far to no avail. Can you help me?

Not without a vacuum pump, Jarvis. Because we all know that real life is exactly like the movies, you need something the size of a small truck to get your girl squirting the neighbours in the eye every time you plough her furrow. We suggest you buy her the biggest rabbit you can find and stand well clear.

'R J,' from Bristol, in the UK, asks:
My cock is about 7" when hard but has a tremendous bend in it almost like a banana. When I masturbate and ejaculate it shoots over my left shoulder. The other morning on my way to work the bus was almost deserted so I decided to have a wank to pass the time. But when I ejaculated it spurted over my left shoulder and hit a little old lady square in the face. She said she had not had a chance to swallow it so would I try again as she liked the taste because she used to give the American troops blow jobs during the war. Unfortunately I couldn't come again. Have I got a problem?

I'll say! Have you no manners at all? Depriving that little old lady of your jism is like letting her cross the road on her own. Next time, bring a bottle with you and fill it like gentleman.

'Ria,' from Bristol, in the UK, asks:
My boyfriend keeps showing his willy to my friends and once to my mum! it's so
embarrassing! What should I do? should I slap him and the willy or tell my mum?

Just how many willies does your mum usually get to see? We think you should kiss the willy for being such a good Samaritan and slap your mum.

'Sara,' from Dublin, in Eire, asks:
I think that my vagina has too much discharge. It is a white creamy, sometimes yellow colour and no matter how much I wash it makes my pubic hair stick to my knickers. it also smells a bit sometimes. Do I have an infection?

It's very unlikely. Your poor pussy is probably working overtime to lubricate the bits you've been rubbing too hard, Sara. Try wrapping your electric toothbrush in Clingfilm or start wanking with something softer, like a penis.

'George,' from Bloemfontein, in South Africa, asks:
I would like to know whether wanking daily affects a person's behaviour. I started wanking from the age of 13 and now am 18. My problem is this: I am full of confidence when it comes to girls during phone chatting but when I actually meet them I go blank even though I've known a girl for a long time. I also go blank when I'm with a group of friends. I know I'm not at all shy but i wanna know why I go blank. Is it because of this dirty habit? If it is I'm willing to stop it because my life is becoming a misery.

You are in a state of mortal sin, George, but don't despair—there is way out of your misery. Pray to the blessed St. Lesbia of Sapphos three times a day while thrashing your bottom with nettles. Not only will this absolve your willy of sin, but win the sympathy of good Catholic girls who will want to kiss it better as an act of Christian charity.

'Caleb,' from Manly, Australia, asks:
Sometimes when I'm kissing my girlfriend my penis starts to grow harder, but when I start taking her clothes off and try to fit me penis up her vagina it loses its hardness again which make us really disappointed, we really need your help.

Unless your girlfriend looks like the back of a roo without her clothes on, or has tits the size of a mozzie's arse, the inescapable conclusion is that you're gay.

'Hannah,' from Cambridge, in the UK, asks:
I am 16 and just lately my best friend's boyfriend has been asking me to have sex with him. I am really starting to like him! what should I do? Should I tell her that he is asking me to have sex with him or should I follow my feelings and just do it with him and keep it a secret? Please help?

Idiot! This is the perfect opportunity for a threesome. Make it an anniversary gift. Show up at their house wearing nothing but a bright pink ribbon cunningly woven into your bush. That way you can have the sex without the guilt and secrecy.

'Jenny,' (14), from Northampton, in the UK, asks:
I dnt fancy grls but i get really turned on by lesbian porn and the thought of a girl licking me, etc, really gets me so xcitd! Bt i really dnt want 2 b a lesbo. Do u think i am? Plz answer me asap thnx!!

You’re experiencing what psychologists call Penis Envy, darling. Every girl secretly wants a penis and they fantasise about banging other girls with it. That's why lezzas love strap-ons and why women want equal rights in general. Let’s face it, our tiny little clitties, much as we love them, are no substitute for ten inches of throbbing man meat hanging between our legs. Well, we don’t really want an unsightly thing like that down there, but we still want to lick the rest of the human race, much like men do. But whatever they can do, we can do better. Get licking!