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Some problems visitors
have sent to us are of a very intimate nature. If you are of a shy,
nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean |
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NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM.
Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS
pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our
witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT
to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be
taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking
the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might
be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we
didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we?
No...but— But what? Well...some of these
people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site
called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At
the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't
you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then
the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would
that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well
gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take
the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL
PROBLEMS, could we? |
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'Gertrude,'
(14), from Leicester, in the UK, asks: Unfortunately it’s only too true. My aunt, whose husband was frequently away on business, used her vibrator so much she eventually went totally deaf. She also developed a severe case of the shakes, erroneously diagnosed as Parkinson’s Disease by her doctor. My fourteen-year-old niece used to tremble so much when she was playing with her Harry Potter broom that she ended up on tranquillisers. She blames it on the trains that rattle past her bedroom window every hour, but the rest of the family know what the dirty little slut gets up to behind closed doors. 'Katy,' (13), from Milton Keynes, in the
UK, asks: King-sized beef curtains are an unfortunate but unavoidable nuisance for a small segment of the female population, Katy. But look on the bright side, not only can they wave prettily like a little puppy's ear, but give blokes something substantial to get their teeth into while they're searching for your elusive love button. 'Lisa,' from Cardiff, in Wales, in the UK, asks: No. But I know an Albanian bloke who can. Provided you don't mind sharing a back alley with eight other women, some of whom are none too clean, Fajaz assures me he can provide all the randy—sorry, 'random' blokes you desire and he'll even pay your cab fare home. The only drawback is that you may come mouth to willy with your husband while two stevedores are penetrating you simultaneously from both ends. But as you're from Cardiff, you'll be used to that. 'Alex,' from Colombo, in Sri Lanka, asks: Next time you go shopping and your fiancé complains about the size of your boobs tell him that you’re going to flash them at the shop assistant. If he objects, tell him that even the tiniest titties are a turn on to a real man but nobody notices a small prick. 'Briana,' from Lake Worth, in the USA, asks: What you need are pelvic floor muscle exercises. Lie flat on your back, arch your back, spread your legs really wide, and repeat the following ten times, twice a day: 'I'm a dirty Texan slut.' 'Kandy,' from Blenheim, in New Zealand, asks: If you had paid attention in Science class instead of passing suggestive notes to the boy in the back row, you wouldn’t be asking this question. In order to sustain an erection, one needs only to break through the time/space continuum. Fuck as fast as you can so that your velocity breaks the speed of light, at which point—Einstein willing—time will actually begin to flow backwards. His five minute wonder will turn into several hours of passionate lovemaking which will last until you can no longer sustain the pace. 'Antonio,' from Cleveland, Ohio, in the USA, asks: Can you do yourself any harm by stopping the passage of air to your lungs for long periods of time? Heavens no! What idiot gave you that idea? Next you’ll be asking if sex can result in pregnancy, when we all know that babies are delivered by storks. 'Matthew' (17), from London, asks: First of all, it’s completely natural for a heterosexual man to desire the sensation of an enormous phallic object jammed up his rectum. In fact, your curiosity about anal sex is probably genetic, passed on to you by your mother who always secretly lusted after a good marmite drilling, but never got the chance. We’re not in the habit of endorsing products, but our toilet attendant, Ben Dover, recommends that no matter which strap-on you try, be sure to use lots of lube. Another 'Lisa' (22), from Birmingham, in the UK, asks: Why is this a problem? Shag Johnny. Unless he wants to get his teeth kicked down his throat he's hardly likely to tell your boyfriend, is he? If you really can't decide between them, suggest a threesome and everyone will be happy. Well, they always are in those movies my husband watches when he thinks I'm out. 'Mike' (16), from Haysville, in the USA, asks: It's simple, Mike. Your girlfriend’s blowjobs have depleted the amount of air in your penis from too much sucking. Tell her to blow next time. Little by little, the damage can be repaired. 'Robert,' from Calderdale, in the UK, asks: We can’t imagine what sort of problem a 13 inch penis would cause, other than the obvious one of what to do when it exits through the roof of your girlfriend’s mouth. Look on the bright side, how many men can fuck their partners whilst getting a blow job at the same time? 'Caitlin' (17), from London, asks: You poor lamb! No, it's not normal. If, during sex, you’re often asking, “Is it in yet?” that doesn’t mean he needs a bigger penis. It may mean you need a smaller vagina. If you have no sensation during sex, either his willy is smaller than a cocktail sausage or you've stretched your lady lips so wide by wanking with your dad's prize watermelons that even a tractor wouldn't fill your flaccid love tunnel. In which case I'm afraid you'll have to resign yourself to brushing your clitty with an electric toothbrush to get off. 'Lauren,' from Wrexham, in the UK, asks: Simple: Hold his nose. He’ll either have to open his mouth or suffocate. Suffocation is probably better, as he'll be rock hard once rigor mortis has set in. Another 'Robert,' from Seffner, in the USA, asks: Oral sex is more than just saying, 'Come here often?' when you meet a pretty girl in a bar, Robert. There isn't a woman alive who doesn’t adore oral sex. If your wife doesn’t like it, stop digging her up and let her rest in peace for goodness sake! 'Baby' (17), from London, asks: He's either gay or you're minging ugly. To find out which, take him knicker shopping. If he doesn’t stop to sniff the panties, he's gay. If he does, find a good plastic surgeon. 'Julia' (17), from New York, in the USA, asks: Don’t panic. It means you got drunk one night and got married. Concerning your suspect pussy, take it out to dinner. Not some fast food joint with paper cups and plastic forks, but a really nice place with cloth napkins and real silverware. If your pussy picks up the tab, it’s not tight. If you have to explain to the waiter that you have no way of paying the bill, you have a very tight pussy. In that case the restaurant will waive the bill if you allow the waiter (and his colleagues) to loosen it for you. |
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