'John,' from Swindon, in the UK, asks:
I was wondering if you can help me out here. I have penile papules, Fordyce's Condition and sebaceous prominences on my penis. Now, I'm not really bothered about my penile papules or Fordyce's Condition, because you can't really see the little blighters that much, but I desperately need something doing about my sebaceous prominences. They are very noticeable and extremely unsightly.  

Yes, I know what you are going to say, they are perfectly normal and just keep the skin from drying out. Well, there must be something that can be done about them. I've tried spot cream/gel etc and other products that dry the skin out, but nothing works! So, I was wondering whether one can have them surgically removed, zapped or frozen in any way? What about laser treatment or even plastic surgery? No matter what, I'm still gonna try and find a way of getting rid of these once and for all. So, could you give me some advice about them and what treatment there is available. But please, please, don't tell me that they're perfectly normal and therefore need no treatment—cuz I'll go mad. And you certainly can't surgically remove madness!

Just cut the bloody thing off, John and have done with it. Let's face it, the only reason you acquired this disgusting catalogue of purulent, penile afflictions in the first place, is because you're a chronic wanker. I mean, it's not as if you'll be depriving women of something they're not already getting in a much larger and healthier package elsewhere, is it?

'Little Wanker,' from Sydney, Australia, asks:
My girlfriend stripped off and said she wanted sex. I said no so she kicked me in the balls and left. Then she rang me and said 'do you want sex, or do i have to kick you in the balls again?' What should I do?

If you had any balls, you’d kick her right back, you little wanker.

'Nicky,' from London, asks:
My boyfriend prefers wanking to having sex with me! We have fantastic sex—when we have it—which is once, maybe twice a month, max. I enjoy sex a lot and would have it much more often but my boyfriend seems to prefer wanking. It's really upsetting for me to hear him wanking when he could be having sex with me. I don't understand? Why does he prefer to wank than have sex with me? I like masturbating, but given the option I'd prefer to have sex with him. What can I do to change him?

Take him back to the bargain basement you found him in and tell them he's not stood up to the salesperson's promises.

'Stephanie,' from Brisbane, Australia, asks:
My doctor just thinks I have an infection in my clitoris from thrush but I haven't had an orgasm in eight months because I think the nerves in my clitoris are broken. It's so sensitive that it almost hurts, I'm only 20 and have a loving boyfriend. I was on antidepressants and the pill and apparently they can damage the nerves but when I was younger I used to use the shower head to give me an orgasm and think it has damaged me. I've only had one partner and not been having sex for long. All I want is a solution to make it all better again!! It's not fair, I saved myself for the man I want to spend my life with! It can't be over yet...can it??! You are my last resort—I've tried everything! 

That depends on how you used the shower head. If, like most all women, you aimed the stream of water at your lovebutton, no nerves should’ve been damaged. If, on the other hand, you beat your pussy senseless with the shower head, or you were foolhardy enough to insert the entire unit into your love tunnel, you deserve to be orgasm-less for the rest of your natural born life you disgusting little slut!

'Rosemary' (15), from London, asks:
Why are boys not attracted to me when I've got big breasts and a lovely singing voice? Well I like so many boys but they don't like me. I have the best voice
to sing and cute lips to kiss and a really sexy body shape with big breasts that's great for sex but why do they look at me and then act so horrible?

Because you smell of fish? Try washing the bits your mum says you shouldn't play with more often.

'Yolada,' from Newton, Delaware, in the US, asks:
My man Cheated with another woman and get her pregnant. Before we meet, he had two kids with two different women, One lives in Georgia and the other lives in the same state as us. The worst part is that different women keep sending him nude pictures of themselves which he seems to enjoy. Usually they is pictures of a woman sucking his dick and when I try to address all this issues to him, we get into an argument. When the baby woman came down to visit with her baby, it was fun, but at the end of her trip my man and her went out and the next day I found a nude picture of her with him. I asked him to leave but he came back begging and I took him back, after he promised to change. He did not change and now he's got a 16-year-old girl pregnant. When I found out I sent him packing, but after three months of separation, he came back begging and this time he said he has learned and he can not bear the pain of losing me. But I cannot stand the fact that he cheated and got another woman pregnant. Everyone says I am being selfish, I need help what should I do?

Get pregnant, obviously, but make sure it's not his. How else are you going to hold onto a stand up guy like him? Then you could try sending him pictures of you sucking another guy's dick—hell, why stop at one? Blow every lowlife loser in the whole damn trailer park and video it. If that doesn't keep him interested, I'm afraid you'll just have to find yourself another stand up guy who fucks you over and over and over.

'Rachel' (15) from Luton, in the UK, asks:
I've been going out with my current boyfriend, Chris for almost two years. He is absolutely amazing in almost every way—wildly intelligent, writes beautiful poetry, great shag, very romantic and friendly. However, he's had awful drug problems since I met him—at first I didn't mind this but he's recently graduated to heroin. He's started lying about his drug use to me (something he's never done before), and this is really straining our relationship. Added to this, there's this guy I liked even before I met Chris who I always thought I was in love with. I now haven't seen this other guy for 8 months, but I'm still obsessed with him. I really love him but I'm unlikely ever to see him again. What does this say about my relationship with Chris? Why don't I love Chris? Is there something wrong with me?

Luton has a lot to answer for, doesn't it? Drug abuse, drunken yobs, mindless violence, teen pregnancies, and then there's you; a really caring girl who wants to dump the guy she's made so happy, he's graduated from sticking his prick in your pussy to shoving needles into his prick. The reason you don't love the sad junkie is because you're a selfish tart who wouldn't know love if it dumped a loud of cream in your vain, little gob. I suggest you audition for Big Brother as you clearly have a promising career ahead of you as a shagaholic, celebrity slapper.

'Bill,' from Hazleton, Pennsylvania, in the USA, asks:
I met a girl on the internet personals. She first wrote to me. We emailed for a month then decided to meet in person. I'm 38 she's 30 , divorced with two young girls. First meeting for dinner was nice we talked but at end of night—NO HUG or KISS. Then next date movie—same NO HUG or KISS. 3rd dinner the same and 4th movie same—NO HUG or KISS. Then I don't hear from her for weeks between—I call no answer then email where are you and get no reply for weeks. She says she wants an EXCLUSIVE relationship. Finally she invited me to her place for dinner and to meet her kids. Dinner was nice and her girls nice too. But she didn't talk much that night and then NO HUG or KISS again. I emailed her 4 times in eight days after that and no reply. It's now 5 weeks later and NO reply. I just don't know what's the matter with her.

I do. She doesn't fancy sticking her tongue into a mouth that smells like a racoon's arse and tastes worse. The fact that your back has more hair than a brown bear, you haven't changed your boxers in six weeks and you're dating eight other girls you met online, probably have nothing to do with her silence.

'Matt' (17), from Laurens, in the USA, asks:
Me and my girlfriend had sex the other night the first time with a condom then we played a lot and I cummed a few times but we didn't have another condom so we decided to have sex without it, but I need to know if she can still get pregnant because she is worried that she might be pregnant. While we was doing it I felt it coming on but I think I pulled out fast enough but as soon as it came out it started shooting cum between her legs so I need to know if she could still get pregnant.

No, it's quite impossible. The fact that you used a condom the first time will protect your girlfriend for the rest of her life. By the way, did you know that if you drink Red Bull before you have sex you can't make anyone pregnant?

'Lardy,' from Wellington, New Zealand, asks:
I recently shagged my neighbour who fell in love with me and has begun stalking me. I then shagged her best friend after she told me I better not or else and now I'm stalking her best friend who wont talk to me any more. It's occurred to me that this could make for interesting opportunities in geometric love if I can convince the friend to fall in love with someone else who might then fall in love with my neighbour. This would be a love square I believe and would give a 25-50% improvement in performance over a love triangle I would expect. So what I need to know now is does my blue or red shirt go better with my hazel eyes.

Why stop at a love square? Add a fifth person and go for a love pentagon. Or add a sixth, and have a jolly good love hexagon.

'Andre' (14), from Alameda, in the USA, asks:
I was wondering if I finger my girlfriend can it pop her cherry?

Only if she remembers to put it back in again after the football team have creamed it.

'Natalie' (15), from Swansea, in Wales, asks:
Every time I have something to eat I have to have something after it then something after that and so on I'm worried I'm going to get really fat what can I do to stop eating so much one after another?

Every time you crave something to eat, have sex instead. Self discipline, Natalie. You might turn into a dirty little whore, but at least you’ll be a skinny, dirty little whore. Which should turn a few heads in Swansea.

'Jess' (17), from Aldershot, in the UK, asks:
I'm having really bad problems I don't know whether to shave my gentile (sic) area. I have a boy friend and I don't know what he would prefer please help? 

It depends. Is he Jewish?