Ms Givings Very Personal Problem Pages
Ms Givings Personal Problem Pages
Some problems visitors have sent to us are of a very intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean

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NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad tosser, our witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously! What do you mean 'not to be taken seriously?' Do you mean you're deliberately taking the piss out of people with very personal problems? We might be.. You heartless bitches! Look, we didn't ask the clueless wankers to write to us, did we? No...but— But what? Well...some of these people need HELP?! I'll say; so why are they writing to a site called 'Utterpants'? Where does it say that? At the top of every page on the site in letters an inch high. Couldn't you make it a bit more obvious? Well—we could, but then the desperately sad tossers might not write to us. Would that be a bad thing? Not for them, obviously. But we'd be well gutted. Why's that? Well, we couldn't take the piss out of the desperately sad tossers and their VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS, could we?

'Louise', (27), from Fife, in Scotland, asks:
I have just found out that I am 7 weeks pregnant and it was not planned. I am fine about this but my partner of 2 years is not he wants me to terminate it. He says that it is bad timing and that he is not ready to be a dad (he already has a 4 year old from another relationship who he sees at the weekend). He says that he wants a career and that I said that I did not want a child and that it will ruin my life. He is trying to talk me into getting rid of it but I want to keep it but I know that I will lose him as he does not want to be a dad.
Leaving aside the fact that you are a clueless adulteress and a slut who's been stupid enough to get her oven filled by another adulterer, there are really only two options open to you. You can keep the little bastard and lose the prick, or lose the bastard and keep the prick. Just remember that any tosser with a valid sperm count can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a Father. Do you really want this wanker hanging around until some other brainless slut spreads her legs for him and he dumps you like a used pantyliner? My advice is to lose the prick, keep the bundle of joy and find yourself a real man who knows one end of a rubber from the other.

'Mickey' (17), from Jackson, in the USA, asks:
My friend is having this problem with a guy. She doesn't know whether or not she should try and forget him or wait. He told her that he likes her and this other girl, who he knows through a friend. This other girl is not even from the same state as us but she comes here every so often. My friend doesn’t know if she is just the rebound girl or if he really likes her. He hasn't made up his mind and she doesn't know if she should wait for him or just forget him, and is really upset about the whole thing because she thought this guy was different from the others and was real. I don’t know what to do to help her and let her know that I am here for her. What should I say to her to help her through all of this? Please Help!
Are people still 'goin' to Jackson' and messing around? Let's cut the crap and the imaginary 'friend'. You're the one with the problem and pretending it's someone else is the reason this out of state cutie is getting all the action you're not. If you really want him back, shag her. Once he discovers that you're a hot little lesbian hoe, he won't be able to keep his sweaty hands off you.

'Sasha', (15) from Swindon in the UK, asks:
Umm this is really embarrassing but me and my boyfriend who I have been with for a year want to try anal sex… I really want to try it but I'm scared. I’ve had his head up there before and that did hurt a bit and all we used was his cum as lube but I'm not worried about the pain I'm just scared of having poo or something still up there, and would I need the loo after? I’m so scared. My boyfriend is 19 and we really love each other and we have known each other since forever and I want this as much as he does so please help!
You're a dirty, clueless Chav, Sasha. If you're determined to admit your boyfriend's hideous tool into your back door I suggest you read what happens to filthy little girls who get bowled from the pavillion end before puckering up your chocolate starfish. If that doesn't put you off, you'd better find a good pussy doctor, because you'll need one to clear up the urinary tract infections, piles and anal fissures you'll be enjoying. Unless your back door is a lot further away from your pussy than mine and you use a drip tray while your boyfriend is creaming your chocolate chimney, you can also look forward to a little bundle of joy in about nine months time.

'Roxanna' (17) from Los Angeles, in the USA, asks:
My best friend has been having a lot of complaints about her being loose and we are searching for methods to take it away. I was just wondering if you know any besides Kegal please let us know thank you.
The solution is to stop dating American College kids with weenies the size of a cocktail sausage and find yourself a real man who can fill your 'best friend'. If that proves difficult, you could always use a cucumber. Not only will this make your 'friend' very happy, it will save you a fortune in batteries for your hopelessly undersized and underpowered vibrator.

'Courtney', from Cedar Rapids, in the USA, asks:
Every time I give my boyfriend a blow job, he claims it’s the best he's ever had but I want to do something really different and special than the regular hand job/blow job gig. Any suggestions?
Why are you clueless tarts so fixated on blow jobs? Don't American boys know how to eat you out? Just because one President said he 'did not have sex with that woman' does not mean that you have to follow his example. Do yourself a favour, dump the wanker and find a boy who knows one end of a woman from the other and which bits fit in which holes.
Alternatively, insert a very large broom handle (the Harry Potter Rimbutt 2000 is ideal) up your boyfriend's bottom and attach a vacuum cleaner hose to his hideous tool. Then turn both on. Not only will this blow his mind (and hopefully his prostrate), but leave your hands free to write out 'I am hopelessly attracted to useless wankers' 1000 times and your mouth free to recite it back to yourself.

'Gemma' (17), from Liverpool, in the UK, asks:
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 months now and I do really love him and he really loves me it was like love at 1st sight! However recently we have been having arguments but we always kiss and make up at the end! But it is the arguments which are so silly. We argue about religion! I am a Catholic, however he is a very strong Protestant his nan is an Irish Protestant! So he is always slagging off the Catholics and it actually offends me! Also he feels that my parents are trying to split me and him up when they are not! For the past month I have only been able to see him twice a week due to my revision for my GCSE's! But because he is 18 and I am 16 he thinks that he always knows best! he wants me to do less revision when I really should do more! I do really love him and I would do anything for him but right now at this point of the relationship I am starting to see what he is really like and we are arguing over the most silly things! Also he wants me to get to know his mum better but his mum is scary! I have nothing to say to her as we have nothing in common!
Get a grip, girl! The world is full of wankers (both Catholic and Protestant) who are dying to get into your knickers, but you only have one opportunity to get a decent education. Dump the tosser and buy yourself a nice vibrator. Not only will it never argue with you or ask you to get to know it's mum better, it will let add a whole new dimension to the pleasure you get from revising for your exams.

'Ellie' (36) from Hampshire, in the UK, asks:
Help! My boobs are going south!
Look on the bright side, at least they are your boobs and not the product of some plastics factory in Milwaukee.

'Sarah', from Liverpool, in the UK, asks:
I am 14 years old and like masturbating, by this I mean using toys or my fingers and rubbing my vagina. I find it nice but I am worried it is wrong. I would also like advice on how to make it more enjoyable for me.
It is 'wrong', Sarah. Fingers don't vibrate and teddy bears were never designed to be rubbed vigorously between a little girl's legs. At best you will get him very sticky and at worst wear all his fur away! I suggest you stick to sliding down the banisters until you've saved up enough pocket money to buy yourself an electric toothbrush

'Amber', from London, in the UK, asks:
I'm thirteen and last night me and this guy were snogging. I'm a virgin and never did anything more than snogging. Well anyway he put his fingers in my vagina and started fingering me. And then he guided my hands down to his pants and I wanked him. I was soo nervous. I told five of my friends that I'd wanked him and they took it okay but I have three friends that would never talk to me again if they found out! And they probably will coz there are so many boys who know what I did. What can I do that will stop them finding and what should I do if they do find out?
Frankly, not much! You are obviously a randy little slut who can't keep her hands off boy's willies, so why pretend otherwise? Do what every other clueless London Chavette does—drop your sticky knickers for anyone who has the price of a bottle of sweet cider and packet of fags on them. Once you've spread your legs for all the local lads you won't need any friends because some rich bloke from Albania with a Fiesta Cabrio will put you in a porno flick.

'Angela' (28) from Greenock, in Scotland, asks:
I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years we got married 2 years ago. Everything was brilliant apart from a few issues that we just can't seem no matter what to get over. The first one is our intimacy this is from me I just don't seem to want to have sex. I have tried various different things from counselling, communication etc., but nothing seems to work and the other is my husband who is very insecure and jealous of everything I do. I am very independent and have loads of friends and family that are around us, which he has not. I feel for him, but my friends and family have welcomed him in as much as possible, but he just shuts himself off. I love to meet new people and I am always in new environments that he just can't cope with which is causing lots of problems between us, after many rows we just don’t know were to go from here.
The fact that you waited seven years to marry this tosser means that you are either very stupid, very desperate or waited until your wedding night to discover that he was hung like a gerbil with all the sexual allure of John Prescott. You basically have two choices, Angie; you can file for divorce or do what millions of other married women do—knuckle down to a life of grinding misery, social isolation, icy silences and the best sex you've ever had, provided that your husband doesn't mind you pleasuring yourself senseless several times a day with a vibrating, electric toothbrush.

'Jen', from Stoke-on-Trent, in the UK, asks:
I'm convinced my boyfriend doesn't fancy me. I've been with my boyfriend for 17 months now. He's 28 and I'm 20. I was a virgin when I met him and he had had about 6 previous sexual partners. One of the few times I can only remember him initiating sex was the very first time we did it (when I lost my virginity). He never seems to be 'in the mood' and often complains that he's too tired. Often when I do start to initiate sex and we have it, he can't finish and gets all moody and makes out (although he doesn't expressly say) that it was down to me because he wasn't actually in the mood! Trouble is, if I leave it up to him and we only have sex when he starts it, we would only have sex about twice a year.

I've tried everything—sexy underwear, weekends away, change of sexual routine, but nothing seems to get him remotely interested. However, he always seems to be interested in naked models in magazines and sexy women on TV. It's just me who he doesn't lust after! He's told me about what he used to get up to with his previous girlfriends, and it just seems like he was a lot more enthusiastic about them than he is about me. I'm sure I repulse him in some way. If it was with his previous partners, I'm convinced there would be no problem.

Aside from this, he is really kind and loving and the best thing ever. He tells me how great I am and how much I mean to him and how 'sexy' and gorgeous I am (I'm not) etc. etc., but it's beginning to feel like words aren't enough anymore. His words don't match up with his actions. Am I being too harsh on him and too selfish?
No, just breathtakingly naive, Jen. For someone who writes as well as you do, you are far and away the stupidest tart who's ever written to me. Wake up and smell the bruised fruit, woman! Your partner is clearly a serial cherry-popper who has absolutely no interest in the goods after he's soiled them. Of course he's besotted with naked models and sexy women—they all have potentially tight little pussies he's dying to fill with his creamy man juice, whereas shagging you is like slipping his little Chipolata into an oversize, worn out old sea boot! I'm afraid you're stuffed. Or, rather not stuffed. Dump him and find a bloke who's interested in real women and not virginal little girls.

'Sonya' (28) from Huntingdon, in the UK, asks:
I have a problem I like this guy we were together four months ago we never slept together we have fondled but he asked me to phone him and then went out with his mates and never said nothing I forgave him for that then he ignored me for no reason and said it is my fault that he ignores me by accusing him of things when I don’t cause he ignores I feel he isn't interested well he is now ignoring me as I had a go at him as he said that he would tell me when he was ready for me to call him that night which was four days ago I told him I am not interested in him anymore if he wasn’t speaking to me other than text now I miss him and he wont talk to me what can I do?
Well, firstly you could learn how to punctuate your sentences, always assuming that you know what 'punctuation' is. Don't they teach English in Huntingdon? Then you might try shutting up long enough for this loser to get a word, or his todger, in edgeways—or possibly backwards—as you appear to be so far up your own bottom that only a good buggering is likely to shift the crap you are so obviously full of. Then again, I see you're an AOL user so it's probably best to stick to playing with yourself as no one else is ever likely to.

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