'Louise',
(27), from Fife, in Scotland, asks:
I have just found out that I am 7 weeks pregnant and it was not planned.
I am fine about this but my partner of 2 years is not he wants me to
terminate it. He says that it is bad timing and that he is not ready
to be a dad (he already has a 4 year old from another relationship who
he sees at the weekend). He says that he wants a career and that I said
that I did not want a child and that it will ruin my life. He is trying
to talk me into getting rid of it but I want to keep it but I know that
I will lose him as he does not want to be a dad.
Leaving aside the fact that you are a clueless adulteress
and a slut who's been stupid enough to get her oven filled by another
adulterer, there are really only two options open to you. You can keep
the little bastard and lose the prick, or lose the bastard and keep
the prick. Just remember that any tosser with a valid sperm count can
be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a Father. Do you really want
this wanker hanging around until some other brainless slut spreads her
legs for him and he dumps you like a used pantyliner? My advice is to
lose the prick, keep the bundle of joy and find yourself a real man
who knows one end of a rubber from the other.
'Mickey' (17), from
Jackson, in the USA, asks:
My friend is having this problem with a guy. She doesn't know whether
or not she should try and forget him or wait. He told her that he likes
her and this other girl, who he knows through a friend. This other girl
is not even from the same state as us but she comes here every so often.
My friend doesn’t know if she is just the rebound girl or if he
really likes her. He hasn't made up his mind and she doesn't know if
she should wait for him or just forget him, and is really upset about
the whole thing because she thought this guy was different from the
others and was real. I don’t know what to do to help her and let
her know that I am here for her. What should I say to her to help her
through all of this? Please Help!
Are people still 'goin' to Jackson' and messing around?
Let's cut the crap and the imaginary 'friend'. You're the one with the
problem and pretending it's someone else is the reason this out of state
cutie is getting all the action you're not. If you really want him back,
shag her. Once he discovers that you're a hot little lesbian hoe, he
won't be able to keep his sweaty hands off you.
'Sasha', (15) from Swindon in the UK, asks:
Umm this is really embarrassing but me and my boyfriend who I have been
with for a year want to try
anal sex… I really want to try it but I'm scared. I’ve
had his head up there before and that did hurt a bit and all we used
was his cum as lube but I'm not worried about the pain I'm just scared
of having poo or something still up there, and would I need the loo
after? I’m so scared. My boyfriend is 19 and we really love each
other and we have known each other since forever and I want this as
much as he does so please help!
You're a dirty, clueless Chav, Sasha. If you're determined
to admit your boyfriend's hideous tool into your back door I suggest
you read what happens to filthy little girls who get
bowled from the pavillion end before puckering up your chocolate
starfish. If that doesn't put you off, you'd better find a good pussy
doctor, because you'll need one to clear up the urinary tract infections,
piles and anal fissures you'll be enjoying. Unless your back door is
a lot further away from your pussy than mine and you use a drip tray
while your boyfriend is creaming your chocolate chimney, you can also
look forward to a little bundle of joy in about nine months time.
'Roxanna' (17) from Los Angeles, in the
USA, asks:
My best friend has been having a lot of complaints about her being loose
and we are searching for methods to take it away. I was just wondering
if you know any besides Kegal please let us know thank you.
The solution is to stop dating American College kids
with weenies the size of a cocktail sausage and find yourself a real
man who can fill your 'best friend'. If that proves difficult, you could
always
use a cucumber. Not only will this make your 'friend' very happy,
it will save you a fortune in batteries for your hopelessly undersized
and underpowered vibrator.
'Courtney', from Cedar Rapids, in the
USA, asks:
Every time I give my boyfriend a blow job, he claims it’s the
best he's ever had but I want to do something really different and special
than the regular hand job/blow job gig. Any suggestions?
Why are you clueless tarts so fixated on blow jobs?
Don't American boys know how
to eat you out? Just because one President said he 'did not have
sex with that woman' does not mean that you have to
follow his example. Do yourself a favour, dump the wanker and find
a boy who knows one end of a woman from the other and which bits fit
in which holes.
Alternatively, insert a very large broom handle (the Harry
Potter Rimbutt 2000 is ideal) up your boyfriend's bottom and attach
a vacuum cleaner hose to his hideous tool. Then turn both on. Not only
will this blow his mind (and hopefully his prostrate), but leave your
hands free to write out 'I am hopelessly attracted to useless
wankers' 1000 times and your mouth free to recite it back to yourself.
'Gemma' (17), from Liverpool, in the UK,
asks:
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 months now and I do really
love him and he really loves me it was like love at 1st sight! However
recently we have been having arguments but we always kiss and make up
at the end! But it is the arguments which are so silly. We argue about
religion! I am a Catholic, however he is a very strong Protestant his
nan is an Irish Protestant! So he is always slagging off the Catholics
and it actually offends me! Also he feels that my parents are trying
to split me and him up when they are not! For the past month I have
only been able to see him twice a week due to my revision for my GCSE's!
But because he is 18 and I am 16 he thinks that he always knows best!
he wants me to do less revision when I really should do more! I do really
love him and I would do anything for him but right now at this point
of the relationship I am starting to see what he is really like and
we are arguing over the most silly things! Also he wants me to get to
know his mum better but his mum is scary! I have nothing to say to her
as we have nothing in common!
Get a grip, girl! The world is full of wankers (both
Catholic and Protestant) who are dying to get into your knickers, but
you only have one opportunity to get a decent education. Dump the tosser
and buy yourself a nice
vibrator. Not only will it never argue with you or ask you to get
to know it's mum better, it will let add a whole new dimension to the
pleasure you get from revising for your exams.
'Ellie' (36) from Hampshire, in the UK,
asks:
Help! My boobs are going south!
Look on the bright side, at least they are your boobs
and not the product of some plastics factory in Milwaukee.
'Sarah', from Liverpool, in the UK, asks:
I am 14 years old and like masturbating, by this I mean using toys or
my fingers and rubbing my vagina. I find it nice but I am worried it
is wrong. I would also like advice on how to make it more enjoyable
for me.
It is 'wrong', Sarah. Fingers don't vibrate and teddy
bears were never designed to be rubbed vigorously between a little girl's
legs. At best you will get him very sticky and at worst wear all his
fur away! I suggest you stick to sliding down the banisters until you've
saved up enough pocket money to buy yourself an electric
toothbrush
'Amber', from London, in the UK, asks:
I'm thirteen and last night me and this guy were snogging. I'm a virgin
and never did anything more than snogging. Well anyway he put his fingers
in my vagina and started fingering me. And then he guided my hands down
to his pants and I wanked
him. I was soo nervous. I told five of my friends that I'd wanked
him and they took it okay but I have three friends that would never
talk to me again if they found out! And they probably will coz there
are so many boys who know what I did. What can I do that will stop them
finding and what should I do if they do find out?
Frankly, not much! You are obviously a randy little
slut who can't keep her hands off boy's willies, so why pretend otherwise?
Do what every other clueless London
Chavette does—drop your sticky knickers for anyone who has
the price of a bottle of sweet cider and packet of fags on them. Once
you've spread your legs for all the local lads you won't need any friends
because some rich bloke from Albania with a Fiesta Cabrio will put you
in a porno flick.
'Angela' (28) from Greenock, in Scotland,
asks:
I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years we got married 2 years
ago. Everything was brilliant apart from a few issues that we just can't
seem no matter what to get over. The first one is our intimacy this
is from me I just don't seem to want to have sex. I have tried various
different things from counselling, communication etc., but nothing seems
to work and the other is my husband who is very insecure and jealous
of everything I do. I am very independent and have loads of friends
and family that are around us, which he has not. I feel for him, but
my friends and family have welcomed him in as much as possible, but
he just shuts himself off. I love to meet new people and I am always
in new environments that he just can't cope with which is causing lots
of problems between us, after many rows we just don’t know were
to go from here.
The fact that you waited seven years to marry this
tosser means that you are either very stupid, very desperate or waited
until your wedding night to discover that he was hung like a gerbil
with all the sexual
allure of John Prescott. You basically have two choices, Angie;
you can file for divorce or do what millions of other married women
do—knuckle down to a life of grinding misery, social isolation,
icy silences and the best sex you've ever had, provided that your husband
doesn't mind you pleasuring yourself senseless several times a day with
a vibrating,
electric toothbrush.
'Jen', from Stoke-on-Trent, in the UK, asks:
I'm convinced my boyfriend doesn't fancy me. I've been with my boyfriend
for 17 months now. He's 28 and I'm 20. I was a virgin
when I met him and he had had about 6 previous sexual partners. One
of the few times I can only remember him initiating sex was the very
first time we did it (when I lost my virginity). He never seems to be
'in the mood' and often complains that he's too tired. Often when I
do start to initiate sex and we have it, he can't finish and gets all
moody and makes out (although he doesn't expressly say) that it was
down to me because he wasn't actually in the mood! Trouble is, if I
leave it up to him and we only have sex when he starts it, we would
only have sex about twice a year.
I've tried everything—sexy
underwear, weekends away, change of sexual routine, but nothing
seems to get him remotely interested. However, he always seems to be
interested in naked
models in magazines and sexy women on TV. It's just me who he doesn't
lust after! He's told me about what he used to get up to with his previous
girlfriends, and it just seems like he was a lot more enthusiastic about
them than he is about me. I'm sure I repulse him in some way. If it
was with his previous partners, I'm convinced there would be no problem.
Aside from this, he is really kind and loving and the best thing ever.
He tells me how great I am and how much I mean to him and how 'sexy'
and gorgeous I am (I'm not) etc. etc., but it's beginning to feel like
words aren't enough anymore. His words don't match up with his actions.
Am I being too harsh on him and too selfish?
No, just breathtakingly naive, Jen. For someone who
writes as well as you do, you are far and away the stupidest tart who's
ever written to me. Wake up and smell the bruised fruit, woman! Your
partner is clearly a serial
cherry-popper who has absolutely no interest in the goods after
he's soiled them. Of course he's besotted with naked models and sexy
women—they all have potentially tight little pussies he's dying
to fill with his creamy man juice, whereas shagging you is like slipping
his little Chipolata into an oversize, worn out old sea boot! I'm afraid
you're stuffed. Or, rather not stuffed. Dump him and find a bloke who's
interested in real women and not virginal
little girls.
'Sonya' (28) from Huntingdon, in the UK,
asks:
I have a problem I like this guy we were together four months ago we
never slept together we have fondled but he asked me to phone him and
then went out with his mates and never said nothing I forgave him for
that then he ignored me for no reason and said it is my fault that he
ignores me by accusing him of things when I don’t cause he ignores
I feel he isn't interested well he is now ignoring me as I had a go
at him as he said that he would tell me when he was ready for me to
call him that night which was four days ago I told him I am not interested
in him anymore if he wasn’t speaking to me other than text now
I miss him and he wont talk to me what can I do?
Well, firstly you could learn how to punctuate your
sentences, always assuming that you know what 'punctuation' is. Don't
they teach English in Huntingdon? Then you might try shutting up long
enough for this loser to get a word, or his todger, in edgeways—or
possibly backwards—as you appear to be so far up your own bottom
that only a good buggering is likely to shift the crap you are so obviously
full of. Then again, I see you're an AOL user so it's probably best
to stick to playing with yourself as no one else is ever likely to.
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