'Marcia' from the USA writes:
I love the Brits. Are they all on 'Grow Up'? Or are they naturally big? Come to think of it - are they big? I know their mouths are big, but I have not come across any other Brit parts and was hoping you could remove my ignorance. In any case, it does not really matter, as I don't like men. Don't like women either, for that matter. They are all too human. And no, I don't like animals either. Haven't tried Aliens, so don't know about them. But I don't think Aliens would do the trick either, as I don't think I like sex. BUT, that may be because I have only ever had sex with earth men, and that's no indication, is it?

I read about this woman in California who bit her husband's thingy off, and I was thinking it must have been a small one if she managed to do that. Probably no bigger than a McDonald's french fry. Do you think she would have been able to bite off a Brit thingy that had 'grown up'?
Perhaps by selling this product you are preventing women from their last desperate effort to get some satisfaction in this world: To bite the man's thingy off?
Oh dear, you seem to have so many problems it's difficult to know where to begin, Marcia. I'm afraid the average British male is no bigger than his American counterpart. Far from using our revolutionary new product, Grow Up, to increase their size, British men are actually hooked on dangerous drugs like Lager which makes the most important organ in their bodies even smaller. In a recent survey, 9 of 10 British men thought that 'clitoris' was one of the moons of Uranus and 8 out of 10 admitted that they couldn't even spell 'erogenous zone', never mind find one.
With such shocking statistics is it any wonder that men have failed to stand up to your expectations? I'm not surprised you've had no luck with girls either, as American women do tend to be a bit on the large size, don't they? This can make it rather difficult to reach the right 'bits'. Aliens can be rather slippery customers to handle, particularly if they have two willies, so I would recommend you follow our advice about avoiding abduction unless you want to risk biting off more than you can chew. I would steer also clear of animals, particularly beavers, as they can give you as nasty nip.

Have you considered vegetables? Courgettes are my personal favourite but you may find 'Lady's Fingers' more to your liking - or Okra - as they may call them in the US. A good friend of mine swears by bananas, but if you try them, don't peel them first, or you could land yourself with a hefty hospital bill.

Finally, I am afraid I cannot help you with your rather unusual hobby. I have always found it more satisfying to get men to bite *MY* thingy, or at least gently nibble on it, but then I am vegetarian and don't like meat in my mouth.

'Jenny' from the USA writes:
Me and my boy friend have been going out for almost 8 months ... I've given him head hundreds of times and a hand job like a billion but I just can't get him to cum...is there a reason for this...???
Not one that you're going to like, dear. First you should ask yourself why he's not shagging you? Then you should bone up on what happens to willies when they're rubbed or sucked. Then you'll discover that the reason your boyfriend is not running true to type is because the cheating bastard is shagging someone else. In short, he's all sucked out.

'Lisa' from the USA writes:
If a girl swallows cum...can she get pregnant? Please answer this quickly.
Only if she is double-jointed and can lick herself out.

'Frank' from the UK writes:
Do men have much larger penises than boys? I am aged 16 and 5 feet 10 inches tall with a weight of 159 lbs. Yet my penis measures only 6 inches when fully erect. My girlfriend says she participated in a scientific survey which proved that average guys have much longer and apparently much stouter shafts. Is she right?
Yes. The study she refers to found that six inches is on the small side for a boy of your size and weight. Have you tried a vacuum pump?

'Tina' from the USA writes:
This is a bit of an odd question and but I guess you're used to it so I will just go ahead and say it. What's in cum? I ask because it tastes salty and my doctor has told me I must cut down on my salt intake. Should I stop giving my boyfriend head?
No. Just get him to stop eating salted peanuts and crack one off the wrist more often. Recent studies have shown that regular wanking thins semen and reduces its salt content.

'Caroline' from the UK writes:
I don't know where to start I've been married to Kevin for seven years And I like to think that we're happy in all departments of our marriage. But recently he has requested something really sick. I don't mind sexy lingerie, even leather, or letting him do it to me doggie-fashion while I'm getting the children's tea . But no, he wants me to wear a heavy, chain-mail waistcoat, have fur surgically grafted onto my feet and learn to speak with a West Country accent. Up to now I've agreed to his demands but I'm worried what this new fantasy could lead to."
Pervy Hobbit fancying. This distressing condition affects 3 out of 10 men who have been exposed to Peter Jackson's film trilogy of "The Lord of the Rings". Sadly, there is no known cure, but you could try introducing a sheep into your love-life as this has worked successfully in New Zealand.

'Kayleigh' from the UK writes:
"My fiance and I had sex for the first time and it was just wonderful. My concern is that it lasted for over five hours. After he would cum, he would be hard again in one or two minutes and then cum again. Then he just kept on cumming. I thought it was because that was our first time, but he has been like that every time since. Will it hurt him to be erect for that long, or should I just enjoy it?"
Your fiance may be suffering from a very rare medical condition known as 'bonus priapismatica'. My advice is to stop having sex with him immediately and ask him to make an appointment to see me as soon as possible.

'Katherine' from the USA writes:
I've been married for two years now (fourth husband). My husband seems to be very interested in sex, i.e., Internet pics, magazines, chat rooms, watching dirty movies; however, I'm not getting any! In the past 15 months, I can count the times we've had sex on one hand. I've had two face-lifts, liposuction, botox, lost nearly 5 stones in weight and wax regularly. We've talked some about it, but I feel that at this point I'm begging. Is it me? I love my husband with all of my heart. What should I do? I am really gagging for it and need some help.
Clearly your husband prefers masturbating to having sex with you. Could it be because you are still too ugly?

'Sharon' from the UK writes:
I really love my husband but ever since I had my baby I throw up whenever we make love. Is this normal?
It is if your furry front bottom is too sore to have intercourse and the bastard is making you swallow. Either tell the selfish wanker to wear a johnnie or learn to spit it out.

'Belinda' from the UK writes:
My husband's job takes him abroad a lot and recently I've started using a vibrator when he's away. When we were first married I would never have dreamed of doing anything like that but the thing is, I've really got to like it and do it every chance I get now, even when he's home. My husband says that doing things like that to myself can be harmful. Is he right?
Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? He's probably told you that recent research has shown that single women who use vibrators more than once a week may be damaging their health. What he didn't tell you was that the research was done by MEN! Fortunately, my GP is a woman and she swears that my poor memory, mood swings, low back pain and blurred vision are due to a virus I picked up when I was a girl. But if you're still worried I'd be quite happy to come round and give you a hand to get to the bottom of your problem. Just email me with your name and address and a set of photographs.