'Janine' from the USA asks:
I often have a very unpleasant and pungent vaginal odor, but I don't have strong body odor. I'm very hygienic and use dozens of over-the-counter remedies including bacterial sprays, Yogic Kabbala oils, sanitary douches and perfumed vaginal washes. Do you know what might cure this problem?
Soap and water, dear. Like many Americans you are confusing cleanliness with hygiene. All these 'douches' are doing is making your yeast infection worse by inhibiting your body's natural bacteria.
Unless you lose the pharmaceuticals and start washing your pussy properly you will continue to smell like a rancid kipper!

'Fran' from the UK, asks:
I am very worried about my fourteen-year-old daughter, Michelle. She never goes out anymore and spends all her time locked in her bedroom. She used to be such an outgoing and lively teenager and now she is always cross, irritable, and disobedient and has taken to wearing those disgusting thongs. Last week I caught her trying to shave her legs with her mobile, at least I think that was what she was doing with it. Is she sick? Should I take her to the doctor?
It's not a doctor she needs, 'Fran', but a jolly good hiding. Apart from removing any vibrating items from the house and keeping vegetables under lock and key the only solution is to resign yourself to the fact that your daughter has turned into a furtive little wanker. Most teenage girls soon tire of this debilitating practise once they discover boys — or take up horseriding. On the other hand you could simply buy her a vibrator and join in the fun.

'Susan' from the UK, asks:
I have had heaps of sexual relationships with hundreds of men and I have been in my current relationship for over three years, but haven't had an orgasm yet — even with the other men. Do I have a problem? If so, what should I do about it? I'm scared of telling my partner in case he thinks it's him.
Panic. There's almost certainly something seriously wrong with you or the men you've shagged had willies the size of a jelly baby. If some of them had normal willies (10" or bigger) I'm afraid you are one of an unfortunate minority of women who don't have a clitoris. In which case, you're buggered. Or rather the only way you're going to get off is by being buggered. Whether you choose to take it up the bum is entirely you're affair, but chocolate speedway riding is a rather unsavoury practice not without its health risks. You might wish to consider taking up Holy Orders instead.

'Nicole' from Texas, USA, asks:
I recently walked in on my husband while he was masturbating. I didn't actually see his hideous 'thing', but he was watching a filthy movie on his computer as I walked in. He casually asked me if I would like to help him finish. I was so embarrassed I mumbled something about wishing I wasn't having my period and rushed out of the room in tears. I know some sick men masturbate, but I'm shocked that my husband of ten years does it and wondered why it took this long for me to stumble upon his perversion. Did I react in the right way or should I just leave him?
I get the distinct feeling that you may not be having much sex with your husband, or indeed, any sex. Your husband was probably trying to tell you this when he invited you to lend a hand. The fact that you did not take up his offer when you interrupted him means you either need to watch more of the movies you consider so filthy or start vigorously washing the bits you keep missing when you shower.

'Nikki' from the UK asks:
Please tell me I'm not the only girl who feels this way. I have been with my only sexual partner for a year and I have never performed oral sex. My b/f keeps asking, but the thought of putting his penis in my mouth turns my stomach. I have no problem touching or rubbing it, but I can't put in my mouth. I tried putting a penis-shaped dummy in my mouth at a party once and had no problem. The very thought of oral sex with my b/f makes my physically ill. Is this normal?
It is if your boyfriend is a typical British male. Let's not beat about the bush, dear. British men have more cheese on their willies than Tesco's sell in a fortnight. Tell the selfish bastard that washing it once a month may not be sufficient.

'Bob' from the USA asks:
I am 17 years old have not had sex but have spots on my penis. I was wandering if you could tell me what they are and if they are anything to worry about?
It's no wonder you are still a virgin at 17. No self-respecting young woman relishes the prospect of handling a pork sausage covered in vile, purulent abscesses. I have no idea what has caused your spotted dick syndrome and I am certainly not going to pay you a house call to find out. I would suggest you take a bath now and again. If you get really worried you could visit your doctor, who will probably not be able to do anything either, but your problem might give his chums a laugh down the pub later.

'Moira' from the UK asks:
I am a forty-two-year-old unmarried female trainee chiropodist and, I am proud to say, a complete stranger to any form of sexual activity. But I have now met a twenty-three year old male model, who, like me, is unmarried, and an ardent collector of Victorian hat-pins. Unaccustomed as I am to the company of a gentleman I wish to make a good impression so I have invited him to take afternoon tea with me. However his sister, with whom he resides, has informed me that he is passionately fond of 'chocolate starfish', but my local grocery store has never heard of it. Have you any suggestions?
Run! Whilst sex is possible even at your advanced age, what this young man wants is something a whole lot dirtier. In short, he is almost certainly a filthy little fudge-packer. Far from being the innocent confection you imagine, a 'chocolate starfish' is actually an odious euphemism for your back passage. Unless you wish to allow this young man to park his hideous tool in your 'tradesman's entrance', I suggest you give him a very wide berth.

'Johnnie' from the UK asks:
Recently I have become very irritable and short tempered with my colleagues at work. The problem is that my wife always seems to have a headache whenever I ask her for sex and it's making me sexually frustrated. I don't want to be unfaithful to her, and I can't afford one of those American Love Dolls, but if things go on like this, I will lose my job. What should I do?
The solution to this very common problem lies in your own hands. All you need to do is to pop round to your local chemist and buy some powered aspirin. The next time your wife complains she has a headache, dip your 'best friend' in the aspirin and give her the choice of taking it orally, or as a suppository. Whatever she decides, or if she decides to take it both ways, it will relieve her headache and your frustration at the same time.