'Jean' from Louisiana, USA, asks:
I've like, got myself into a bit of a mess. My boyfriend and I recently got into a bit of girl-on-girl-on-boy with his pregnant ex-girlfriend during which he blew coke up my ass and made me eat his girlfriend out while my Kabbala guru masturbated furiously over my baby sister's boobies as she was videoing the whole thing. Then some British tabloid rag got hold of the tape and are threatening to print stills from the orgy. The problem is, I'm, like, a bit low on cash right now, what with not being able to work on account of my knee injury and the wedding expenses and my, er, coke habit and all, so I was kinda wondering how much I can expect to earn from the snaps or an accompanying kiss-and-tell?

You need a good agent, Britney — er, 'Jean'. The pervy pics alone should net you a cool $500,000, and your story around two million, assuming that you're willing to go into unnecessary detail. For example: "My baby sis drove herself to 57 mind-shattering orgasms while my Guru pleasured himself in her chocolate starfish and Kev's girlfriend whipped her tiny titties with my riding crop as Ken blew two ounces of coke up my pussy." Something like that should get you the sort of figure you're looking for. Good luck.

'Ean' from Australia (husband of 'Lorraine' — see below) asks yet again:
I can't murder my wife! Here is the update on Lorraine. First last night I found her with a hole just below the navel and out of it oozed this silk type stuff that was harder than diamond. She made it into a ball and put it over the hole, then it looked like she pushed the babies into it, and sure enough when she'd finished, her abdomen was as flat as can be. Then her breasts all joined into a huge udder. We live near a dairy farm, she complained that her udder was heavy until she went and squirted out 567.34 litres of milk!

I am delighted that my previous advice to go 'down under' and vigorously suck the little alien monsters out has succeeded so well. Cast aside your wife’s unusual appearance and behaviour and concentrate solely on the enormous financial benefits of this unusual milk producing opportunity. I would suggest that over the next few days you concentrate primarily on the rate and volume of milk produced by your beloved. Make sure when milking her that you are fast, gentle and caring. You may want to slip your fingers into her 'love tunnel' as this is known to relax even the most stressed cow. I recommend you contact the Australian Milk Producers Association who will be able to provide all the relevant information you need to get your new business up and running. Don't forget to deduct for veterinary charges, milking equipment, feed, and your sexual servicing needs. You may also wish to consider expanding your product range to include cheese, fromage frais and other milk based products. Good Luck and Congratulations!

FOOTNOTE by the Australian Cultural Attaché, Sir Les Patterson: "You're sitting on a bloody goldmine, mate! Strewth, with a litre of milk going for about Aus. $1.28 you could be earning over Aus. $700.00 a day (less production costs)! Looking at that on an annual basis youse could be clearing a cool 250,000 Australian dollars a year! I would strongly recommend you insure the missus at the earliest opportunity. I'm also a bit worried about the dependence on one, albeit huge, udder. A sudden case of mastitis could bankrupt the business. So why not invite a dozen nubile young Sheilas over for a barbie, strip 'em down to their plastic panties and wait for the aliens to shag their brains out? This could be the milk marketing coup of the century, mate! Youse'll also be saving Australian birds from a squalid life playing bit parts in Aussie Soaps! Good on youse mate!

'Ean' from Australia (husband of 'Lorraine' — see below) asks:
Help! My wife, Lorraine, is not just having alien babies, but is changing into one! It all started with the breasts. They grew huge and we could get eight litres out of them each day, then they multiplied until there where over two hundred of them. Then she got a greyish tinge to her skin until she was grey. After that she got a spikes coming out of her back and black bat-like wings. She now has tentacles coming out of her vagina and belly button, two more eyes and bug-like mandibles.

Firstly, forget any silly reservations you may have about murder. One kills aliens. Extermination is always justified if the victim is a beautiful young woman who has been cruelly misused by muscular green aliens with enormous willies. Here's how: Make it look as if your wife (the alien) was taking an evening walk in the fields near your house. Kill her. Report her missing a few hours after she left the house. Utterpants can arrange for a public inquiry to be convened under Lord Hutton — a leading British judge, who will scrupulously examine the events surrounding your wife’s death. Trust me, everything will be OK, you will be back at work on Monday morning, looking forward to spending your wife’s cash on a well-deserved cruise around Tasmania.

'Lorraine' from Australia asks (again):
I'm getting my husband to write this because my tummy is now 794cm and I
now have 72 babies. Are you're sure there is no way to have them now? I just
felt a contraction!

Now you're just being silly, 'Lorraine'. The contraction is just your pussy's way of telling you you're not masturbating nearly enough — or your fingers may simply be too short to hit the right spot. I suggest that you read this first, and then pop out to the shops at the earliest opportunity.

'Lorraine' from Australia asks:
I am pregnant with thirty-eight alien babies. I have been pregnant for three years, my tummy is 238cm long and I don't know what to do.

Sadly, you cannot just 'reach up there' and remove the problem. Nature never intended thirty-eight green aliens to party in your womb for that long. Medical science, with all its creativity, has not yet developed the means to combat an invasion of this magnitude. Unless you can find a dozen sympathetic partners who are prepared to go 'down under' and vigorously suck the little alien monsters out, I'm afraid your chances of avoiding the inevitable are slim. On the positive side, you will have the distinction of being the first woman to give birth to trioctuplets and can look forward to a very lucrative career in television. I hope this will be a salutary lesson to our readers on the dangers of wearing synthetic knickers, intimate waxing and sleeping alone. Do let me know how you get on with the oral sex.

'Alan Price' from the UK asks
Can you help me? Ever since my next door neighbour's daughter caught me wanking in my garden she has threatened to tell people unless I let her do things to me and I also have to do things to her. She's only sixteen and I'm fifty-five. At first I liked it, but now some of the things she's asked me to do are really kinky.

The answer to your little problem is simple, Alan. All you need to do is to bluff the silly girl into a kinky scenario where she ‘chooses’ to place a whole orange into her young, wet mouth whilst simultaneously trying to breathe through a plastic bag. Before you dismiss my advice as a Conservative Party trick, do remember it has worked successfully for several eminent Tory politicians. In one case the coroner returned a verdict of ‘death by misadventure’ and in another 'death by extreme misadventure’. Given the adventurous nature of this particularly dirty little miss, I can confidently predict an equally satisfactory outcome for you. Everybody, including your wife, will be happy, and you will be able to return to your hobby without a stain on your chinos.

'Charlie' from the USA asks:
I was reading about oral sex in a medical book, and it warned men not to blow into the vagina during cunnilingus, as it would cause embolism and possibly death. I should think that there would be an inherent danger of embolism during cunnilingus, because of the heavy breathing. Am I wrong?

You are obviously a fourteen-year-old American schoolboy who is spending far too much time playing with himself who has never seen a woman's pussy, much less 'blown' into one. The only way that an embolism — a gas bubble in the blood stream — could occur would be if you were to insert a compressed air line into your partner's vagina. However, she would have to be a much bigger sucker than you appear to be, to allow it.