Funny Sherlock Holmes Lord of the Rings parody
The Science of Detection
By Mercedes Dannenberg
The Great Detective explains the science of detection to a dim-witted Hobbit
Sherlock Holmes explains the Science of DetectionHolmes was seated in his usual place by the fire enveloped by a cloud of malodorous smoke, turning the pages of The Shire Recorder in a desultory fashion.
"So, Bingo", said he suddenly, "you do not propose to purchase a first edition of 'Spanking for Pleasure' after all?"
I gave a start of astonishment. Accustomed as I was to Holmes' curious faculties this sudden intrusion into my most intimate thoughts was both inexplicable and embarrassing.
"How the devil do you know that?" I asked.
He wheeled round to face me, a gleam of mischievous amusement in his deep-set eyes. "Now, Bingo, confess you are utterly amazed," said he.
"I am gob-smacked, Holmes!"
"I ought to make you sign a paper to that effect."
"Because in two minutes you will say it is all so absurdly simple that even a tame rabbit could construe it."
"I am sure I will say nothing of the kind."

"You see, my dear Bingo," he began with the air of a wizard addressing a class of particularly dim-witted dwarves, "It is really not very difficult to construct a series of inferences each dependent upon another, yet each entire in itself, if after doing so, one simply knocks out all the central inferences, and presents the audience with the conclusion to produce the startling effect I have just demonstrated. Now, it was really not difficult, by an inspection of the mushroom stains upon the thumb and forefinger of your left hand, to feel sure that you did NOT propose to purchase a first edition of 'Spanking for Pleasure."

"I see no connection."

"Very likely not; but I can show it. Here are the missing links of this very simple chain: 1. You have mushroom stains upon your left thumb and forefinger. 2. You only get these when you have been mushrooming. 3. You never go mushrooming except with Rory Rogerbottom. 4. Rory is a notorious old pornographer. 5. You told me three weeks ago that Rory had bought a sackload of new porn and that it included a mint first edition of 'Spanking for Pleasure' which he had offered to you on condition that you made a firm offer for it within three weeks. 6. Your purse is locked in my bureau drawer and you have not asked for the key. 7. You do not propose to buy this piece of titillating trash."

"Well, spank my bottom! How absurdly simple!" I cried.
"Quite so!" said Holmes, not a little nettled. "Every problem becomes very simple when it is explained to you."

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© 2003 Story by Mercedes Dannenberg
Picture and construction
© 2003 utterpants.co.uk

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