Narrator: The Hornburg... main stronghold in the ancient series of fortifications known as Helm's Deep. Here, at the head of the Deeping Coomb in the northern White Mountains, King Theoden has gathered the people of Rohan to make a valiant stand against the massive army of the treacherous wizard Saruman.
Ceorl: Theoden King, the last of the rear-guard has made it inside, but... we have a bit of a problem.
Theoden: Really? What sort of problem, Ceorl?
Ceorl: Well, sire, there are a large number of "fancy lads" wanting in. They are all dressed in green, have long hair, and are wearing flowers.
Theoden: That is odd... wearing flowers? Well, what did they say they want?
Ceorl: They say they are here to help, sire. Something 'bout age-old oaths and such. They have bows and arrows.
Aragorn: Oh! Those are elves!
Theoden: Elves?! Wonderful, we didn't expect this!
Tolkien: Neither did I!
Theoden: Well, don't just stand there, go let them in!
Ceorl: Right away, sire!

Aragorn: Greetings Haldir of Lothlorien!
Haldir: Well met again, Aragorn Elessar!
Gimli: Hold a moment! Didn't you die in the last movie?!
Haldir: Indeed, I was cast from the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros like so much chaff on the wind. Yet, by grace or chance, I know not which, I landed in the waters of the river Anduin and thence made my way back to fair Caras Galadhon.
Aragorn: It is by wondrous providence that you have arrived just in time. We are hard pressed with little hope of survival.
Haldir: Yes, well, that would explain it. Celeborn thought Theoden could use our help and "volunteered" me. Really, this is twice now... I innocently walk in on the Lord and Lady getting a quick "nooner" and now I get the feeling I'm expendable or something.
Aragorn: No matter, their loss is our gain and we are glad to have you!
Gimli: Where is Legolas? I'm sure he will be well pleased at the arrival of more arrow chuckers.
Aragorn: Oh, he is over there writing in his "secret diary" again...
Legolas: (mumbling) ...still the prettiest.
Gimli: Oy!
Narrator: Without warning or challenge, the massive army of Saruman attacked. All through the night with the relentless rain of a fierce storm, the battle raged and surged.

Narrator: But, no matter where or when there was fighting to be done...
(patriotic music suddenly starts playing)
Narrator: ...it was the calm leadership of their King that made the Army of the Rohirrim able to withstand the massive tide of destruction. Finally, morning started to arrive... and with the dawn came, well... quite frankly, a few startling developments.
[whoosh]
[crash]
(music stops)
Theoden: Excuse me.
Gamling: Morning, sire.
Theoden: Morning, Gamling.
Gamling: Sleep well?
Theoden: Not bad. Bit to shreds, though. Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito net.
Gamling: Yes. Just what we get for having a fortress by a river. Savage little blighters, aren't they?
[thud]
Ceorl: Excuse me, sire.
Theoden: Yes, Ceorl?
Ceorl: I'm afraid Hama got rather badly bitten during the night.
Theoden: Well, so did we. Heh.
Ceorl: Yes, but I do think a healer ought to see him.
Theoden: Well, go and fetch one, then.
Ceorl: Right you are, sire.
Theoden: Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Gamling?
Gamling: Yes, of course, Theoden King.
Theoden: Careful!
[crash]
Gamling: Alright, then.
(all is in mayhem as the battle continues to rage)
Theoden: Ah! Morning, Hama.
Hama: Morning, sire.
Theoden: What's, uh... what's all the trouble, then?
Hama: Bitten, sire. During the night.
Theoden: Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh?
Hama: Yes.
Theoden: How does it feel?
Hama: Stings a bit.
Theoden: Mmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it? That's, uh... quite a bite you've got there, you know.
Hama: Yes, a... real beauty, isn't it?
Theoden: Any idea how it happened?
Hama: None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one spur too many.
Gamling: You must have a hell of a hole in your net.
Theoden: Hmm. Well, we've sent for a healer.
Hama: Oh, hardly worth it, isn't it?
Theoden: Oh, yes. Better safe than sorry.
Gamling: Yes—holy galloping ghost of Eorl the Young, look at this!
(Gamling holds up Hama's mosquito netting which is ripped from one side clear to the other)
Theoden: By the Helm of Hammerhand, that's enormous!
Gamling: You don't think it'll come back, do you?
Theoden: For more, you mean?
Gamling: Yes.
Theoden: You're right. We'd better get this stitched.
Gamling: Right.
Theoden: Ah, hello.
Healer: Morning Theoden King! I came as fast as I could. Is, uhh... is something amiss?
Theoden: Yes. During the night, Hama here got his leg bitten sort of... off. Mm?
Healer: Ahh. Been in the battle, have we?
Gamling: Mhm.
Hama: Yes.
Healer: Ehh. Any headache? Bowels all right? Mm. Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
Hama: Oh, good.
Healer: Yes, there's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Something in the water. Uh... keep warm, plenty of rest. If you're running, fighting, or anything like that, try and favour the other leg.
Hama: Oh.
Healer: Mhm.
Hama: Right-o.
Healer: Be as right as rain in a couple of days.
Hama: Oh. Thanks for the reassurance.
Healer: Not at all. That's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can reassure you about?
Hama: No, I'm fine.
Healer: Wonderful. Well, must be off. Mhmm.
Hama: So, it'll, ehh... it'll just grow back again, then, will it?
Healer: Uhh... I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's—it's not actually a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we healers would call very, very small. So small, it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. What we're looking for here is, I think—and this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear—is some multi-cellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about eleven foot long; of the genus Felis Horribilis... what we healers, in fact, call a 'tiger,' or for those that know somewhat of the Valinorean, a 'bloody enormous, savage cat.'
Hama, Gamling, and King Theoden: A tiger?!
(the entire battle comes to a screeching halt)
Everyone: A tiger?!

(mayhem ensues as the orcs, uruk-cows, and Rohirrim panic)
Gamling: A tiger... in Rohan?
Theoden: What?
Gamling: A tiger in Rohan?!?
Theoden: Well, ah... well, it, uh... it has probably escaped from Radagast the Brown's place.
Gamling: Doesn't sound very likely to me.
Theoden: Schtumm. Schtumm. Schtumm.
Aragorn: King Theoden!
Theoden: Schtumm.
Aragorn: Sire! King Theoden! Sire! The attack's over! The orcs and uruk-cows are retreating!
Theoden: Oh, very good.
Aragorn: Quite a lot of casualties, though.
Theoden: Mhmm.
Aragorn: The elves were wiped out.
Theoden: Yes.
Aragorn: The 2nd Eastfold Division is gone.
Theoden: Yes.
Aragorn: Half the men in the Westfold Divisions have been killed.
Theoden: Yes, I see.
Aragorn: I should think about a thou—thousand and two hundred men altogether.

Theoden: Indeed.
Aragorn: I haven't got the final figures, but Saruman's forces used a foul blasting fire and there's a lot of seriously...
Theoden: Yes.
Aragorn: ...wounded in the fortress.
Theoden: Yes. Well, the thing is, Aragorn, I've got a bit of a problem here. The Captain of my House, Hama, has lost a leg.
Aragorn: Oh, no!
Theoden: I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.
Aragorn: In Rohan?
Theoden: Schtumm.
Gamling: (mumble)
Theoden: The healer says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately.
Aragorn: Right! I'll find Eomer and organize a party... right away.
Theoden: Well, it's hardly the time for that, is it?
Aragorn: No—no! A—a search party.
Theoden: Oh! Oh! Ah! Ahh! Much better idea! Mhmm.
Gamling: Look! There—the white rider!
Aragorn: It's Gandalf! And he has brought Erkenbrand!
Theoden: Yes... and Erkenbrand's army!

Theoden: Saddle up men! Ride forth Eorlingas!
Rohirrim: Helm is risen! Helm for Theoden King!
Eomer: Victory!
Gandalf: Indeed! Now what would be really spiffing is having a forest of orc-hating trees rip apart the fleeing remnants of Saruman's army.
Aragorn: Yeah, that would rule!
Tolkien: (sighing deeply) I thought so...