Narrator: Riding virtually non-stop, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli arrive at daybreak before the gates of Edoras, the imposing capital city of the Rohirrim. Cautiously they make there way to Meduseld, the golden hall of Edoras, where dwells Theoden son of Thengel... King of the Mark of Rohan.

Eomond: Halt! Who goes there?
Aragorn: It is I, Aragorn the Elessar... the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil Isildur's son and heir of Elendil!
Eomond: And the other ones?
Aragorn: Oh, they are Gandalf the Newly White, Legolas Greenleaf, and Gimli son of Gloin.
Galmud: Who did he say?
Eomond: 'e says 'e's a newlywed that's legless—
Legolas: No, no! He said my name is Legolas Greenleaf!
Galmud: Poor bugger, legless and gangrene.
Eomond: I got two groats 'at say 'e's dead by morning—
Aragorn: Please! Good and valiant men of Rohan, we have urgent business with King Theoden about the very survival of his kingdom!
Eomond: (chuckling) I bet it's urgent if the legless one don't have long to live, eh?
Galmud: Alright, we'll let you in, but I wouldn't wager that the King will grant you an audience.
Eomond: Yeah, it don't sound like you've got'a leg to stand on!
Rohirrim: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
Legolas: Grrrr...
Gandalf: Down Legolas! I counsel you all to draw no weapon, speak no haughty word, until we are come before Theoden's seat.
(the four companions make their way to the throne of Rohan where sits King Theoden, ensnared by dark magic, with Grima Wormtongue at his side, whispering evil counsel his ear)
Grima: Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv...
Theoden: (mumbling) I don't wanna go to school, mumsy... the other boys make fun of my shorts... I want my own pony...

Gandalf: Hail, Theoden son of Thengel! The storm comes... and now all friends should gather together lest each be singly destroyed!
(Grima hits the floor like a cowering snake before the dazzling brightness of Gandalf's white robes)
Saruman/Theoden: Ha ha! You are-a to late Mithrandir, my ol' friend-a!
Gandalf: Saruman?! No!
Saruman/Theoden: Yes-a, it is I! Ze King is-a mine to toy with... and zere is-a nothing you can do about it so go and boil your bottom, son of a silly person! Ha ha!
Gandalf: I am prepared for you this time, you fiend. Behold... the power of... SPAM!!!

Rohirrim: Spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Saruman/Theoden: Aaauuugghhh!!! No! Not ze unspeakable, tasteless, rubbery canned meat-type-a product!
Gandalf: Yes, you elitist gastronome of haut cuisine! SPAM!
Rohirrim: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam, spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!
Saruman/Theoden: Urgghh! It burns! It burns! I don't like-a spam!!!
Hama: Sshh, Sire, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. For lunch I had spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Rohirrim: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Saruman/Theoden: ...aaaaaagggh!
(in a blinding flash, the infernal spell is broken and the hold that Saruman had on Theoden's mind and spirit is no more)
Theoden: What the—Gandalf! What has happened?!

Gandalf: Let me explain...
(pause)
Gandalf: Okay, there just isn't enough time. Let me sum up. Isengard has allied with Mordor. Saruman is sending a massive army to attack you that should be here any minute. Under Grima's direction, nearly all of your best warriors have been sent away into exile leaving Rohan all but defenseless. There is still a faint ray of hope for survival, but, on the whole, you're screwed.
Theoden: Alas, how could all this have come to pass?
Hama: This never would have happened if your son was still alive—
Theoden: He's dead?!
Hama: Yes, killed at the Fords of Isen.
Theoden: And my wife?
Hama: She died of pneumonia while—Oh, right after you went mad...
Theoden: The hot little stable girl I was—
Gandalf: Rogered into senselessness by a band of marauding orcs, I'm afraid.
Theoden: My dog, Lucky?
Hama: Run over by a wagon.
Theoden: My goldfish, Rosie?
Hama: Eaten by the cat
Theoden: My cat, Ringo?
Hama: Choked on the goldfish, but it's good to be sane again, isn't it?
Gimli: Hey, where did that wormtongue-fellow run off to?
Gandalf: Enough! We must act swiftly and decisively!
Theoden: Yes, I must rise up and do as my forefathers before me have done in times such as these!
Gandalf: Precisely!
Theoden: We must arm and equip every available warrior regardless of age!
Gandalf: Without delay!
Theoden: We must gather every man, woman, and child and—RUN AWAY! Retreat, to our stronghold in the mountains... to Helm's Deep as fast as possible!
Gandalf: Right!