Very Private Hobbit Diary
The unexpurgated DIARY of a very disturbed (R)HOBBIT
By Mercedes Dannenberg and Derek Tree

This is a story about Robbits - NOT Hobbits. Robbits are descended from WILD Rabbits. We just thought we'd mention that in case you imagine you are about to read the diary of a cuddly, furry Hobbit who lives an idyllic life amidst the rolling green hills of the Shire where nothing horrible ever happens. On the other hand, if you want to find out what Bilbo's magic ring was really used for, and how it nearly led his cousin, Fido, to a fate worse than death, read on..

Thursday, 1st Halimath, SR 1409
That dratted Wizard, Randolf was spotted by Rory hanging around the 'Blue Tit' in Bywater again this morning.
If he wants to score pipeweed why doesn't he just dip into uncle Bingo's stash like I do?

Got my hand inside Rosie Shortbottom's pants when she dropped off the mushrooms for tea. She complained afterwards that if her fiancee, Jam Spongee, finds out, he'll kill me.
Wish she wouldn't fart when she comes though.

Perry brought his cute little baby sister, Poppy, over for tea. If she's not gagging for it, I'm a rabbit. Rory says she's too young for me.
I told him if there's grass on the pitch, I'll play.

Went to 'Blue Tit' with Rory, got pissed and shagged Clara Beaverburrow - scrummy new barmaid with big tits.

Saturday, 3rd Halimath, SR 1409
Woken up at 6am by noise of big cart tipping over in Bag lane. Was wizard with load of fireworks and sackloads of cheap porn for uncle Bingo. Randolf had some pervy Elf with him who tried to feel me up while I was cooking breakfast. Told Uncle Bingo about it and he gave me some bollocks about his "precious" drawing all wicked things to it.
He thinks I don't know about the Ring or the combination to the safe in his study where he keeps it, heh, heh..

Rory said he'd seen an Orc over Bywater way dressed in a yellow plastic mac who asked him where uncle Bingo lived. I told him to lay off the pipeweed for a bit.

Jam brought Rosie round after tea so I showed her uncle Bingo's porn collection. After that she was putty in my hands which is more than I can say for the wand I shoved up her furry front bottom.

Farting real turn off, though.

Monday, 5th Halimath, SR 1409
Got a huge boner after seeing top totty in Post Office called Snowdrop. Snowdrop Drop-dead gorgeous. Long, dark hair, blue eyes, slim waist and big nipples under tight, yellow blouse. Glimpse of black lace knickers under very short skirt. Can't stop thinking about her. Rory bet me ten bob I couldn't get into her pants by Saturday.
He'll lose!

Uncle Bingo invited Jam Spongee round at tea-time to hear another of his dratted poems.

Then he started telling me about Ring and how it would be mine one day.
Old fart doesn't suspect I've been using it to make myself invisible and shag half the skirt in the Shire for years.

Got pissed with Rory again.

Tuesday, 6th Halimath, SR 1409
Borrowed uncle Bingo's ring after lunch and dropped in on Primula Randybuck, new blond totty who's moved in to No. 8 Fagshot Row. Left her gagging for more.

Jam and Rosie were in the hole when I got back, so I sent Jam out to weed the mushroom patch while I fed Rosie Robbit sausage. She only farted twice today. But now silly cow wants to break off engagement with Jam and marry me on my birthday on 22nd. Told her sausage sucking's no big deal and should keep quiet. Hope she does or Jam'll kill me.

Perry says he saw an Orc in a green mac on the Robbiton road last night. What ARE they smoking?

Wednesday, 7th Halimath, SR 1409
Saw Snowdrop again. This time she was in frayed cut-down shorts and pink crop-top. Can't stop thinking about her. Tried to stroke her thigh but got slapped. Won her round with half an ounce of uncle Bingo's special pipeweed. Got kiss, no tongue though. Looks like I'll win bet.

Randolf brought another cartload of plastic toys and cheap novelties for Bingo's birthday party.

Another four dwarves and that pervy Elf arrived to help with Party.
Uncle Bingo says no more room in hole so Elf must sleep in my room. No way!

Now Jam says he's seen an Orc.

Friday, 9th Halimath, SR 1409
Took Snowdrop mushrooming. She insisted on bringing Rory and Perry along. Tried to cop a feel when they weren't looking but she wasn't having any. Called her 'prick teaser'. She slapped me and told me she wasn't that sort of girl.
Had such big boner had to crack one off in lower field. Of course, she saw me and called me a 'wanker'. Made up later at "Beaver Bush" and got really wet kiss with lots of tongue.

Looks like Rory will lose.

Borrowed ring after tea and paid another visit to Primula at No.8. Waited til she was in bath, put on ring and rogered her senseless.
Invisibility so cool.
Wonder if I should use ring on Snowdrop to win bet?

Stole dwarve's gold and hid it under Elf's pillow.

Saturday, 10th Halimath, SR 1409
Couldn't get ring this morning as uncle Bingo in study trying to remove dwarve's axe from pervy Elf's bottom.

So nipped round to Snowdrop's pad instead. She is one drop-dead gorgeous babe. Offered her uncle Bingo's entire soft porn collection if she'd sleep with me. Refused. Got awful boner while watching her cut up mushrooms.
Told her I could make myself invisible and show her magic tricks if she'd let me into her pants. Laughed and refused. Boner much worse. Got hand on thigh after tea but slapped me when I tried to touch beaver.
Looks like I've lost bet unless I use ring.

Met Poppy at Perry's and introduced her to beaver coursing.
Is grass on her pitch.
But not much.
Are all schoolgirls this hot? Invited her to taste Robbit sausage on Sunday.

Emptied chamber pot over Elf while asleep in bed and and slept at Rory's place.

Was that an Orc hanging around the bottom of Fag lane? Is it after ring?

Sunday, 11th Halimath, SR 1409
Uncle Bingo threw stinky Elf out of hole.

Borrowed ring after breakfast and paid Snowdrop a visit. She was still in bed. Saw everything through nightie. Wow, she's sooo beautiful. Sight of beaver gave me HUGE boner. Put arms round me and opened legs wide. Then woke up and screamed. Tried to get ring off knob but hand caught in nightie. Told her it was only me. Screamed louder. Finally got ring off knob and got off Snowdrop. She tried to cover up tits and screamed house down. Just managed to climb out of window before Sherrif's arrived.

Looks like Rory might win even WITH magic ring.

Got back to hole and put ring back in Bingo's safe seconds before Randolf walked in. Does he suspect? Is ring turning me into a sicko perve like uncle Bingo? Don't care. Never had so much fun.

Had to unload wizard's cart, AGAIN!
Hole now overflowing with fireworks and dwarves.

Pervy Elf back after lunch. Rory held him down in scullery while I shoved Randolf's biggest firecracker up his bottom. Sicko bastard asked us to light it.

Tea was disaster. First uncle Bingo read his new history of mathoms, then Randolf turned up with three more dwarves and another cartload of fireworks.
Rory got pissed and vomited into Wizard's hat.

Things started looking up when I slipped away into kitchen with hot schoolgirl Poppy. Hands all over me. Tongue down throat. But just when I'd got her really wet Snowdrop burst in. Thought at first she wanted to join in fun because she unbuttoned me and went straight for magic wand. Wand harder than a wizard's staff and twice as cunning and she knew it. Just when I couldn't hold it in any longer, Snowdrop pushed me into the parlor and straight into the arms of uncle Bingo.
"Oh dear...", said the little minx, "You seem to have made a mess in your pants, Fido."

HUGE embarassment.

Uncle Bingo so livid grounded me for week. To cap it all, ring missing from safe.
Think Wizard Randolf suspects.


© 2003 Mercedes Dannenberg & Derek Tree. Design and layout © 2003 utterpants.co.uk
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