As you enjoy your dinner in the warm bosom of your family spare a thought for Freya and Cassie (not their real names) who will be featuring on the menu of a depraved Israeli banker by the time you've swallowed your Spotted Dick.

Sized up and shipped out

Freya (19) and Cassie (21) were abducted whilst rollerblading along Sydney's fashionable Kookaburra Drive on Thursday afternoon; destination — the bordellos of Beersheba and the tawdry taverns of Tel Aviv. Utterpants has discovered that hundreds of vulnerable Australian girls are being snatched to order to fulfil the jaded appetites of ageing Jewish businessmen who have developed a taste for 'white meat.'

The rapacious rabbis of Rafiah and other Mediterranean fleshpots lure impressionable young girls into their clutches with promises of lucrative modelling contracts in Jerusalem. Aussie sheilas, it seems, will swallow almost anything—including Kosher meatballs—to get their hands on huge wodges of cash and designer threads.
According to Amnesty International, thousands of women are brought to Israel from Australia and New Zealand every year.
"They are ordered as casually as you or I would order a take-out at a burger-bar," commented Kurt Blix, a spokestypeperson for the human rights organisation.
"The buyers specify everything from weight and height right down to the colour of the girl's eyes (black) and the size of their bust—usually 36 double 'D."
"But why pick on Australians?" we asked him
"Have you ever watched an Australian soap?"

Getting a leg over the chicks from down under

The young women, unable to find work in their native Australia, which now requires all employees to speak Thai and be able to whip up a Tom Yung Gong faster than you can say 'billabong', are only too eager for the chance of a better life in a peaceful land flowing with milk and money. But when the girls arrive at their destinations, they find that the Arabian knight they were expecting is a fifty-seven-year-old gifillte fish salesman from Haifa with a beard the size of a small shrub who is suffering from terminal syphilis. Freya, a gorgeous, green-eyed blond from Bondi Beach, told us what happened. "No sooner had I got to Tel Aviv than this greasy old geezer with a Crocodile Dundee hat on his bonce whips out his donger and wants to 'ave a naughty. Then the bastard took me passport and me knickers and burned them before me eyes."
Freya was luckier than most of the Aussie women lured to Israel. She is now awaiting deportation, along with hundreds of other Australians. When we interviewed her she complained that the Jew who had abused her was not even arrested. According to Mosaic Law, the rape of an infidel woman is not illegal, unless she's Palestinian — in which case, anything goes.

"Look mate," Captain Bruce Bonzer, of the New South Wales Constabulary, told us. "We're doing everything we can to fight this evil trade, but you gotta remember that Israel supplies all our delis, not to mention the wogga we owe them for helpin' us out with our Nucleur weapons programme. Bugger! I mean — strewth, you won't print that, will youse? I'll come a right gutser if the feds find out I've peed on me own Barbie!"

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