Fire-breathing creature attacks BagdadhBalrog attacks Baghdad

By our resident historian - Mercedes Dannenberg

Reports have emerged of a large, fire-breathing winged creature seen attacking US soldiers in Baghdad

Speculation is rife that this may be the semi-mythical 'Balrog', first seen and described by the late professor J. R. R. Tolkien. Colonel William 'Bilbo' Baggins — a spokesman for US Special Forces — dismissed the sightings as a publicity stunt mounted by the Al Kidda news agency in retaliation for the US cancellation of the Iraqi premiere of The Lord of the Rings movie trilogy on the grounds that it was liable 'to incite un-American behaviour'.

"We aint gonna show a movie about some furry-footed midgets from some friggin' backwater takin' on the world's biggest empire and busting their ass," commented the irate soldier. His violent opposition to the popular film trilogy was echoed by a spokesperson from the US Embassy in Baghdad, who told Utterpants:
"This film is an open invitation to the enemies of Freedom and Democracy to wage a terror campaign against the forces of Law and Order. The so-called hero is a friggin' terrorist armed with a weapon of mass destruction aided and abetted by Elves. Elves — for crissakes! They're nuthin' but a bunch of effeminate fags hell bent on destroying the American Way and turning back the tide of progress. And what's with that crazy pipe-smokin' wizard guy, huh? Hell, the bastard even looks like Bin Laden!"

Experts are split upon the actual nature of the terrifying beast which is reported to have destroyed several US military installations in Tikrit and Najaf and possibly incinerated twenty-seven Texan marines when it attacked a sergeant's mess in Fallujah, yesterday.

The world's foremost authority on mythological fire-breathing creatures with very large bat-like wings, Dr Primula Wunderkind, told Utterpants that from preliminary descriptions, all the evidence points to the creature being a Balrog, although she added cryptically: "We cannot rule out the possibility of it being a new weapon of mess destruction."
“Surely you mean 'mass destruction', doctor?" we asked.
"No — it only seems to target mess tents."
We passed over the semantic niceties of the mysterious creature's appetite and contacted General Sir Henry Goteleigh, a respected British antiquarian and retired Defence Minister for his views.

"In my professional opinion," rumbled the redoubtable old warhorse, "It is a cheap publicity stunt by that New Zealand film chappie to revive the flagging sales of his puerile films."
Dr Wunderkind vehemently disputes this.
"It was definitely a Balrog, regardless of what Sir Henry has to say," she told Utterpants. "The wingspan, whip, flames and shadow all correspond with what was described by Tolkien. I have invited Goteleigh to travel out here and have a look for himself. That is, of course, if he can remove his head from his bottom long enough to examine the evidence."

Other sources we consulted are adamant that the creature which has terrorized Baghdad is part of a new and fiendish terror campaign organised by the well-known Saudi terrorist, Ossie ibn Masoud bin Balrocq, to force the US to abandon its humanitarian liberation of Iraq. Dr Primula Wunderkind is convinced that Sir Henry Goteleigh's claims of fraud are a cunning smokescreen to disguise his real agenda which is nothing less than the invasion of America by an army of Balrogs which, in her own words, 'would unleash a vile tide of Balrogism such as has not been seen since the Second Age'.

If fragmentary reports released by Reuters today are to be believed she could well be right. The respected news agency reported that three Balrogs were seen over Cactus Junction, New Mexico two days ago. Cactus Junction is not the only US town to be besieged by these hideous winged beasts. Balrogs have also been sighted in Cactus Ridge, Cactus Flats, Cactus Creek and Cactusville.
Captain Eric Rodriguez of the Taos police told us: "We're on full military alert here in Cactusville. The Governor has mobilised the National Guard. If those friggin' bats show their ugly faces round here again we're gonna nuke the suckers."

There you have it. A new and terrifying weapon of mass destruction poised to overthrow the forces of freedom and democracy or a load of old balrogs? One thing is certain; Baghdad has not seen the last of merciless creatures determined to undermine any chance of peace and freedom in this troubled country. Stand by for further news bulletins.

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Readers who wish to know more about Balrogs are referred to the appendix accompanying this news report.

© 2003 utterpants.co.uk

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