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Mad German tries to ban Santa Claus Mad German tries to ban Santa Claus


By our woman who is no stranger to straightening an old man's fruit, Miranda S Givings
Eccentric German performance artist, Karl-Friedrich Lentze, has written to the German parliament to ask them to ban Santa Claus, arguing that the fat, bearded old git scares little kiddies to death

Judging by the dodgy geezers who dress up in red frockcoats and black jackboots down our way, we think gorgeous Karl has a point. Unfortunately, the good burghers of the Bundestag did not agree with the artist and turned him down flat. "We will not be part of banning Santa Claus from public life," wrote aptly named senator, Dr Nico Klaus. "On the contrary, we look forward to many more visits from this traditional Christmas institution."

Contrary to the popular myth that Germans don't have a sense of humour, another member of the Bundestag clearly had his tongue firmly in his cheek when he added: "The members of the Bundestag are generally opposed to interfering with fairy tales and fantasies. To prevent similar requests in the future, please note that we don't plan to ban witches from story books, Easter bunnies from public parks, or to lift the ban on riding on broomsticks while not at school."

Cuddly Berlin fruitcake, Karl (55) is no stranger to courting controversy, consistently coming up with stunts so bizarre it makes the war in Iraq seem quite sane in comparison.
In March 2002, he asked the Bonn City Council whether it would be possible to share his final resting place with an inflatable sex doll. And why not? If us girls can be buried with our favourite rabbits why shouldn't the boys have something to keep them occupied while they wait for judgement day? It seems that the compassionate council agree with us since they approved the request, adding with typical German eco-friendliness: "Provided the doll is completely biodegradable." Well, that goes without saying!

Last year, the scuzzy fruitcake astonished the world by applying for permission to serve soups enriched with urine and cakes made of breast milk in a restaurant in the small German town of Euskirchen.

Utterpants caught up with Karl and his handsome chum, Karl-Heinz Lenze (no relation), at a Gay Sushi Bar in Berlin's fashionable Hackescher Markt. The artist told us modestly: "Zere are plenty of peeble who vud be interested in tasting my recipes for urine goulash und cakes called "mummy's muffins".
"Stuff the cakes, Karl," we told his gorgeous friend," Just rip my knickers off and nosh on my muffin!"
Karl-Heinz grinned and added with a cheeky wink: "Karl plans to run ze restaurant as some sort of club mit registered members. Everyvon who goes zere, knows vot they will be served."

If taking the piss or noshing on mummy's milk doesn't sound like your cup of tea, maybe being eaten out by carnivorous fish will moisten your gusset? It certainly appeals to Herr Lentze, as the owners of Cologne Zoo discovered when he wrote to them to ask if they would feed his body to their piranha fish after he's kicked the bucket. As Karl (that's not the guy with the banana in our picture) explained to Utterpants: "I read about zis Dutch guy vot wanted to be fed to snails. I kinda liked the idea but thought zat piranha might gobble me up a damn sight qvicker."
Karl tried to justify his appeal by claiming the fishy feeding frenzy would have 'significant educational benefits' if, for instance, it was performed in front of a group of biology students. Well it might educate the students if they could stop vomiting long enough to look.

Zoo director, Günther Nogge's response was more pragmatic: "It's a great idea," he told Utterpants. "But if Karl vontz to carry it out for educational purposes zen it vud be bedder if he vos fed to ze piranhas alive. Ze little fishies are not so keen on dead flesh."
This had not deterred Karl one bite, er, bit, who is hopeful that other zoos may be more open to his proposal. "Zey could alvays poke my body viz sticks to get me moving and get the fish interested," he added gamely.

Not one to let a minor setback dog his creative genius, Karl-Friedrich Lentze soon turned his attention to the needs of man's best friend. No, we're not talking about that friend, boys, but the mangy cur you made her buy you so you'd have an excuse to slope off to the pub every evening. Karl's concern for the sexual well-being of our canine chums has prompted him to open the world's first brothel for dogs in Berlin. We remarked that the city's many parking meters and convenient trees surely provided all the stimulation any dog could possibly want. But crazy Karl is convinced that Berlin's mutts are finding it increasingly hard to satisfy their desires while being taken for walks.

"Have you thought of putting up more lampposts?" we asked him.
Karl-Friedrich airily dismissed our suggestion as 'doggist rhetoric' and insisted that man's best friend deserves more than a quick rub up against a Prussian Postman's trouser leg.
Apparently dog-owners will have to stump up twenty pounds if they want their pets to get their leg over at the new canine nightclub.
"That sounds a bit steep to us," we remarked.
"Ve don't vont any riff-raff in ze club," explained the artist. "Zat's vy my own little Snautscher, 'Karlchen', will be on ze door to make sure zair is no trouble viz with unwanted guests. Of course, ve'll be heppy to receive female und gay dogs, too; we're not communists, you know."

I'd straighten his banana any dayThe performance artist's latest bid for immortality among fruitcakes is the invention of a device he claims can straighten bananas.
"I hev been flooded viz calls from peeble vonting to use my revolutionary method," he enthused to us over a glass of warm mummy's milk while his yummy friend Karl-Heinz (picture) tucked into a plate of 'Mummy's muffins'.
"I hev filed ze patents already!" he went on excitedly, waving a sheaf of blueprints under our reporter's pretty nose whilst lovingly stroking a perfectly straight banana with his elegant fingertips.

"Zis is ze biggest thing since sliced bread! Depending on ze degree of ze curve, my machine vil cut chunks out of the ze banana, which vil zen be resealed using a biologically safe glue made von—"
"— Let us guess," we interrupted, "urine?"
Karl's face lit up with pleasure. "Yes! And zat's not all. Ze curvy chunks vil be recycled to flavour—"
"— The mummy's milk cookies in your restaurant?" we suggested.
"Eggzeckly!" he exclaimed gleefully. "Vonce peeble get used to zem ze straight banana vil drive ze curved banana from ze market. It's easier to eat, easier to store, and, and...
"— Easier to play with?" we asked, picking up the banana and running our tongue lightly along its generous length with an anticipatory moan.
"Wot are you doink zis afternoon?" asked Karl-Heinz Lenze.
"You, I hope," we replied, giving the gorgeous hunk a flash of our cherry soufflé.

Crazy Karl may be not be the stuff of every girl's fantasties, but his cheeky chum sent our reporter's pulses racing. I'd straighten his fruit any day. Oh please take me roughly from behind with your banana, Karl-Heinz. Now!

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Hungry for more Festive fun? Read why Santa is coming twice this year
and why Stores are sacking Santas

© 2004 utterpants.co.uk /`r181204

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