Hate Law loophole exploited Hate Law loophole exploited

By our man in chambers,
Snoz Bunsen

A single mother-of-six, who allegedly abandoned her young family to carry out missionary work in Cyprus, could be the first person in Britain to be defended by imminent, new ‘hate law’ legislation

Rammy Tupper, of Sible Hedingham, Essex, is accused of leaving her children unattended while she took up a recruitment job in notorious lager-lout Mecca, Ayia Napa, with holiday firm, ‘Medaegean Misogyny’. Her Lawyer explained: “My client took up her post with this company as a means of funding her pilgrimage—so she could spread the Gospel among the disillusioned and spiritually disenfranchised young people who flock to the island in search of happiness.”

Utterpants can exclusively reveal that the ‘Gospel’ referred to is actually the alleged wisdom of 'The Great Papabean’ (Papa-Bee-Ann)—a ‘divine’ entity who spoke to Ms Tupper during her come down from an LSD trip, which she claims she took to combat morning sickness while pregnant with twins, La-Toya and Chlamydia.
“Normally, y'know," giggled the twenty-three-year-old hairdresser, "when I’m like pregnant and that, I like, y'know, do a bit of spliff really, but my mate Boz was down and he was stopping with me like so he’d given me some wiz in exchange for like a quick BJ and I was like gagging on it all the time and he wasn’t like enjoying it you know, so I just took the double dunt up both ends like. So it was like Tuesday and I got to go to the doctor’s for my cold sores, y'know but I’m like gouched and can’t go like. And that’s when I had my vision. It was very clarity like.”

Since her first ‘meeting’ with The Great Papabean, Ms Tupper's lawyer, Mr Montague Poophole QC, claims his client has become a devout servant of the generously parsimonious god who is described as a cross between Pope Gregory VII and Sawney Bean—the notorious 15th Century Scottish Cannibal. “Basically, my client holds the belief that the Universe and everything in it was created in the mid 1940’s by The Great Papabean. His profile fits that of most other official gods—insofar as he appears to be an anomalous, vengeful, hypocritical, blinkered, all-seeing racist. My client informs me that he spends much of his time in his laboratory mixing up magic potions to make what we call the weather and the odd tsunami to wash away sex tourists who prey on teenage girls in exotic holiday resorts. However, if you piss him off he will not hesitate to skin you alive, probably with a sharp stone, before salting and drying your flesh and feeding it to his 'godlets' who apparently live in a small, damp cave on the west coast of Scotland.”

When she was arrested at Luton airport on her return, Ms Tupper claimed she'd left her children in the spiritual care of ‘Sassettebeanling’, an older sibling entity who watched over them in her absence. At the time of her arrest, Ms. Tupper apparently showed Social Workers a number of bruises and abrasions between her thighs and on her left breast coated with a sticky residue resembling thin cream. Initially, she stated that arresting police officers had inflicted the wounds while carrying out a full body search. She then went on to accuse a lesbian customs officer of assaulting her in the red area before remembering the marks were actually a spiritual phenomenon known as stigmata. She also claimed the milky residue was a sign of Papabean's sorrow at her arrest.

Mr Poophole told Utterpants that any attempt to prosecute his client could fall foul of the UK's new Religious hatred laws: “Just because the courts may not share my client’s belief, is no reason to prosecute her for deserting her six, defenceless little kiddies. I have consulted a number of eminent Professors’ of Philosophy who argue quite rightly that it is impossible to disprove Rammy Tupper’s beliefs. Prosecuting a loving mother of sex—sorry, six—for her beliefs would be the worst kind of religious intolerance—if not outright religious hatred. The last time I looked this was 21st Century Britain, not 15th Century Spain. Human rights legislation already bans religious discrimination in the workplace and my client was essentially working on behalf of The Great Papabean whilst she was abroad. Look at me, I clearly sold my soul to the Devil years ago, but the State knows better than to try and prosecute me. If they set a precedent like this they'd end up having to sue every lawyer in the country."

When we suggested that the whole saga was about as plausible as his client's claim to be carrying The Great Papabean's child, Mr Poophole became defensive: "Look, all I'm doing is putting forward an argument; nothing more. Leaving your kids alone while you swan off on holiday to get pissed and shagged senseless by a lot of idle layabouts is not the same thing as leaving your kids in the responsible hands of an omnipotent deity while you pursue the sacred mission your god has entrusted to you during a moment of transcendent bliss."
"Well, when you put it like that.."
"I do put it like that!" boomed the Barrister, rubbing his hands together. "Look what happened when my former client, the football manager, Archie Mcfergie, contested the charges brought against him. He drove his Lamborghini at 200 mph through a kindergarten during nap time while pissed as a fart and because the police used a blue rather than black ballpoint pen on the charge sheet, the R’s rolling Scot got off Scot free."

In what is likely to be an interesting legal precedent, many high profile religious followers have come out in support of Ms Tupper. Speaking from her Temazcal re-birthing Mayan steam bath, top QC and part-time spin doctor, Cherie, Blair-Booth-Blair-Booth, told Utterpants that it would be blasphemous for Ms Tupper to be prosecuted simply because her religious beliefs fall out with the mainstream, before swinging a crystal pendulum over her oedema pitted ankles.
Not everyone supports Ms. Tupper’s plight however. Former England netball goal attack, Glynn Hiddle, said today that if Ms Tupper doesn’t join his Tantric Anglo-Buddhist Kabbalah sect, 'the cock-hungry wiz-snorting Chav scumbag deserves everything she gets.'

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Story © 2005 Snoz Bunsen. Picture, design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 010705

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