A spokestypeperson not remotely connected with the Palace, but who once made the mistake of sleeping with Camilla Parker-Bowles, told Utterpants that Prince Harry will begin studies for his Bar Mitzvah next week with Rabbi Gauddo Mammon of the Poundo Flesch Yeshiva in High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire.  

Public opinion on the Prince's decision was mixed. "It really shows the sincerity of his apology, to convert like that," gushed Lady Tamara Snogworthy, a candidate for the 'D-List' Celebrity gameshow, 'I'm a Posh Tart — get me out of here.'
"I wonder if he'll look as sexy in pig-tails and one of those funny black hats?" Her concerns were echoed by the entire hockey team at St Lesbia's Catholic High School for Girls, in Penge, several of whom had to be given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after hearing the news.

As expected, loud protests were heard in other quarters. The British Pork Council has condemned the move, pointing out that a member of the Royal family and third in line to the Throne should set a better example in promoting, rather than eschewing, meat products made in Britain. "I mean," a short, fat bloke in a striped apron told us, "if he stops eating bangers with his mash, what kind of message does that send out to our kids?"

Rumour was rife that in order to fulfil Rabbinical law, Prince Harry might have to have the foreskin lopped off his spam javelin. Royal Physician and leading gynaecologist, Sir Helmut Shydd-Candy, was circumspect when Utterpants tackled him on this delicate issue. "I could not possibly speculate about individual members of the Royal family," he intoned, "or indeed, their hangers on."  

In the meantime, Prince Harry has cancelled his attendance at the opening of Mel Brookes' musical extravaganza — The Producers — at the Royal Albert Hall, and will instead participate in singing the South Park version of the Dreidel Song at the Joseph Mengele Home for displaced Jews during Passover.

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Story © 2005 Moshe Chutzpah. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 260105