|A major new survey has revealed that thousands of teenage British girls are risking injury, infertility and worse, by masturbating themselves into oblivion with the latest generation of electric toothbrushes - or 'lovebrushes'|
The survey, conducted by the independent market research company, Rabbits R Us, on behalf of the British Dental Association (BDA), reported that over 82% of thirteen-year-old girls have pleasured themselves to an explosive orgasm at least once with an electric toothbrush, and that more than two thirds of sixteen-year-olds spend up to three hours a day polishing their throbbing love buttons when they should be cleaning their decaying teeth. More worryingly, over half of the 27,000 teenage girls who took part in the survey reported reduced sensitivity after prolonged use of the DIY lovebrush and more than 50% complained of pain and burning during marathon masturbation bouts—some of which lasted up to four hours.
The survey has so shocked British parents that many have resorted to accompanying their kids to the bathroom while others are offering complete strangers huge wodges of cash to deflower their daughters in a desperate bid to wean these depraved Lolitas off their electric toys. Mums who were once only too happy to buy their girls electric toothbrushes in the mistaken belief that it would improve their appalling dental health, have discovered that the little angels are neglecting their ivories in their rush to get down and dirty with Britain's newest and most fashionable sex toy.
The latest generation of 'intelligent' toothbrushes—which react to pressure on the handle by speeding up or slowing down and rotate as well as vibrate—now outsell tri-band, Bluetooth enabled, camera mobile phones by ten to one. When it comes to the quest for the 'coolest' orgasm on the street (or behind the bus shelter), it seems that ultra-hip British teens are falling over their white Nike trainers to dump their vibrating 'mobes' and snap up the new 'lekky lovebrushes.'
Dr Marit Sigmundsdottir didn't mince her words when we asked the world-famous Icelandic trisexual therapist what she thought of this latest sex craze over a Macchiato at the Purley Hilton hotel. "Electric toothbrushes can cause untold damage to the delicate tissues of our lady lips. Our love button was never intended to be excited by a vibrating brush on a stick, though some bloke's willies are sufficiently hairy to make a passable imitation of one. But I have yet to encounter a willy that rotates on its own axis and has interchangeable heads."
"Make no mistake," commented a shifty-looking bloke in a white lab coat who took time out from cloning rabbits to talk exclusively to utterpants, "These shameless teen sluts—some barely out of their nappies—are brushing their way to infertility, blindness, facial excema and an early grave."
what do the teenage girls who took part in the survey think about the
health risks? We put this question to one cum-happy fourteen-year-old
who admitted to owning no less than eight electric toothbrushes.
Risks one tearful young woman we interviewed, who asked to remain anonymous, is only too familiar with. "I started using an electric toothbrush when I was thirteen," sobbed Natasha Dickson of 42 Lesbia Lane, South Mimms, "I found that when I used the brush on my clitoris, I could have a really intense orgasm. I would cum like really hard in just one or two seconds. As time went on it took longer and longer to climax. Sometimes up to three minutes or more. Then it started to hurt and often I'd have to put a T-shirt or something over the toothbrush to make it less intense. Sometimes my pussy would burn for hours afterwards and I knew I must be causing damage. Well, I'm almost twenty-two now and I find it hard—if not impossible—to have an orgasm by getting my cat to eat me out. I don't feel a thing with a regular vibrator because it's not as strong as my toothbrush. And now I can't come during intercourse with my fiancé—not that I ever did because his willy is just too small. Electric toothbrushes have totally ruined my life."
We asked Dr
Sigmundsdottir just how widespread this shocking abuse was.
© 2005 Keli McTaggart. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 060605