Workers in the Adult industry have long known that electric toothbrushes make excellent sex toys, but it is only now that the health risks of this shocking tide of self-abuse have been laid bare after we reported the results of a major new survey of British teenagers conducted by the independent market research company, Rabbits R Us, earlier this week.

Thankfully, our socially responsible Government is determined to nip this fashionable 'lovebrush' vice in the bud—or possibly the clitoris—as we discovered when we spoke to junior Health Minister, Geraldine Spottiswoode. Mrs Spottiswoode (44), a mother of two teenage girls who are themselves addicted to this dangerous habit, has tabled an early day motion in the House to restrict the sale of electric toothbrushes to women over forty.

"Why forty?" we asked. "The age of sexual consent in this country is sixteen."
"Because women over forty are basically past it and the ones who aren't are unlikely to get a thrill from shoving a tiny, vibrating toothbrush up their flaccid, furry front bottoms. I tried it twice and still haven't found either of the bloody things!"
"But what's to stop men buying toothbrushes for their teenage girlfriends?" we asked.
"Are you serious?" snorted the minister derisively. "What bloke in his right mind is going to buy his girlfriend something that outperforms his risible little todger and fits inside the smallest handbag?"

"Good point," we admitted. "But won't restricting the sale of electric toothbrushes have a negative impact on our teenagers' dental health?"
"Are you kidding? Have you seen the crap the average thirteen-year-old girl stuffs her spotty face with? It'd take an army of electric toothbrushes working around the clock to save the nashers of these pizza-guzzling, diet-coke swilling morons. Let's face it, they can always get new teeth—provided they're prepared to wait a couple of years to find an NHS dentist who will treat them—but re-building their barbecued, minced beef curtains is another matter. Now that parents have been alerted to the scale of this epidemic, the cum-hungry little wankers will just have to learn to use their fingers like we did."

"Fingers?" we asked.
"Yes, fingers," bristled Mrs Spottiswoode. "Nature gave them ten fingers and a brain. Why the hell don't they learn to use them properly? Or if they prefer something softer, let them use their teddy bears."
"Teddy bears?" we repeated.
"Er...I didn't say that," replied the blushing minister, hastily covering the magnificent, but rather sticky looking Stief bear beside her, with a cushion.

But what do Britain's teenage girls think about the proposed legislation? We asked one self-confessed lovebrush addict what she would do if the sale of electric toothbrushes was restricted to women over forty.
"Get a bloke to buy them," giggled fourteen-year-old Jade Gussett.
"But surely your boyfriend would much rather do you—um, it—himself?"
"I don't have a boyfriend," chortled the cheeky chit. "I meant some old geezer, y'know, like the dirty perve me and me mates blag fags off outside the chippy."
"And he'd be happy to er...help you out would he?"
"Cause!" laughed Jade, hitching her black microskirt further up her pretty, tanned thighs. "I mean, I'm not a friggin' socialist. "I'd, like pay him and give him a really wicked BJ!"

Some cynics have accused the manufacturers of the latest electric toothbrushes of deliberately targeting teenage girls by providing openly 'erotic' features such as self-lubricating bristles, rotating heads and 'phallic-shaped' attachements. One manufacturer of a top-selling product we are unable to name for legal reasons, but which is known among toothwise kids as 'Oral Bliss', even has vibrating beads in the handle. An unofficial spokestypeperson for the company, who we did not speak to, but who sent us one of the controversial lovebrushes after we promised not to mention the name of the man they were sleeping with to their husband, told us that the lovebrush in question was manufactured under licence from their parent company—Rabbits R Us.

"Come again?" we asked. "Aren't they the 'independent' company the BDA commissioned for this survey. A survey which may very well result in the banning of the sale of electric toothbrushes to women under forty and massive job losses?"
"They might be..." admitted the spokestypeperson.
"But surely that's tantamount to shooting themselves in the foot?"
"Not exactly..."
"You've lost us," we said.
"Rabbits R Us have just launched a revolutionary new oral hygiene device called the 'dentovibe'. Early trials indicate that it's fifty times more efficient at cleaning teeth and gums than any toothbrush. But you didn't hear that from me."
"This...er...'dentovibe' wouldn't happen to vibrate would it?"
"How did you guess?"

"Don't tell us. It's not subject to the Government's intended ban on electric toothbrushes?"
"Right again," giggled the spokestypeperson.
"It wouldn't look remotely like a 'rabbit' vibrator, would it?"
"It might do..would you like a free sample?"
"Er, no thanks, I'm over forty and rather fond of my electric toothbrush."
"Pity," said the spokestypeperson, "We were rather hoping it would take off with older women."
"Why's that?" we asked.
"Because we've pretty well saturated the teen market with our electric toothbrushes."
"You don't give a stuff about the damage these things do to kids, do you?" we replied.
"Nope. If they weren't shredding their beef curtains with our lovebrushes they'd be frying their little clitties with microwave radiation from their mobile phones. We're just grateful our caring Government has followed the US lead in encouraging chastity."
"Why's that?"
"If kids started shagging each other we'd all be out of a job!"

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Read the second report: Electric toothbrush teen sex health shock!
Read the first report: Teen Sluts snap up Electric Toothbrushes

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