Texas bans cheerleading SlutsTexas bans cheerleading Sluts

By our man who knows when the law is an ass, Don Pitts

Texas may lead the US in violent crime, environmental pollution, dyslexic presidents and executions, but their legislators proved today that when it comes to putting the morality back into America, their hearts—or possibly their balls—are in the right place

Dirty old men in raincoats packed their bags and Adult webmasters threw themselves from skyscrapers as news broke that Texas had passed the Slutty Cheerleader Act, sending the sale of thongs, belly button rings and crop tops plummeting. The act has been created to curb the rise in filthy dance moves in high school cheerleader routines which have led to soaring pregnancy rates, rampant lesbianism and yeast infections throughout the state.

The world looked on in dumb amazement as Texas, the land of two hundred years of primitive religion unimpeded by progress, stopped gerrymandering their congressional districts, combating global terrorism and the AIDS epidemic to pass a law requiring high school cheerleaders to tone down their dance routines.

“I'm sick and tired of seeing bare flesh on our young cheerleaders," fulminated State Senator Lester D. Molester, a part-time Sunday School teacher, who took time out from choosing this years 'Young Baptist Virgin of the Year' from among twenty-seven hopeful teenage girls to talk exclusively to Utterpants from his office atop an Amish Adult Store in downtown Houston. The fifty-eight-year-old Senator is a staunch supporter of local Baptist minister, the Reverend Hiram P Pantz, who advocates women should wear the burqa—or the 'Muslim body bag' as some outraged cheerleaders have described it. "Those filthy bitches are totally out of control,” the Senator fumed. “They’re wearing hoochie skirts, tops that reveal their belly buttons, and dancing like the strippers down at Happy Jose’s on the corner of 4th and Lee."
"Happy Jose's?" we asked.

"Ah, a cheap clip joint which—um— has a $5 cover but some great drink specials if you let the girls wave their titties in your face, or so I'm told," replied the senator with a nervous cough. Pausing only to mop his brow with what looked suspiciously like a red silk thong, Senator Molestor continued to rail against the declining morality of teenage girls. "Dangmit! We’ve got to bring the Lord back into this'm hoochie cheerleading dancing and bring these sinners back to righteousness! This new law will allow school administrators to immediately stop cheerleading dances before they even get to those nasty leg-spreading, cameltoe jumps. It will also stop perverted horntoads from looking up the skirts of the dancers for small, furry animals."

Filthy Texan slutSurprisingly, most Texans have been quick to support the new law. It is well known that Texas has by far the slutiest cheerleaders in the world, resulting in the horniest student bodies in the world. But now grades are dropping below even Texas standards, college entrance exams scores are the lowest in the nation, and kids are even forgetting their mandatory Bible verses in class. We saw boys as young as twenty-eight walking around with persistent erections and nowhere to put them—possibly because all the local girls have signed a Baptist pledge to remain virgins until marriage. Not that taking the pledge has prevented these daughters of Sodom from engaging in unnatural acts with each other or swallowing gallons of cream while taking a load up the Hershey Highway from a strapping football coach. Meanwhile, Texas teachers are registering in droves as 'potential sex offenders', all because the state's cheerleading whores are openly shaking their little booties and defiantly flaunting their panties in public.

Critics of the act fear that it may discourage cheerleaders from running for office and seriously compromise the high quality of candidates for the Governership, which have included such outstanding figures as Kaye Bailey Hutchinson and George W. Bush, a hugely popular Yale cheerleader, who many speculate was elected because he knew how to shake his booty and show his panties in Texas. If nothing else, Texan cheerleaders' preference for taking deliveries via the back door may explain the President's funny walk.

Many have wondered why Texas is the only state to even consider such legislation, while others are laughing too hard to even care. However, the American Civil Liberties Union sees this as a means of suppressing minorities. “Think about it,” attorney Bob Bootypatter told Utterpants, “this discriminates against all the Blacks and Hispanics, forcing white, Baptist standards on the entire state. In Hispanic schools we’ve got hot little Mexican chicks doing their salsa routines, their little, short skirts flipping up showing their little brown asses, and uh, where was I? Oh yeah. They’re Catholic, they’re Mexican, and have nothing in common with those little white sluts. Then in the Black communities, hey, those girls can actually bust a move! So this is just a means of bringing the Blacks and Hispanics down to the level of white cheerleaders, dirty whores who can’t even dance!”

School guidance counsellors are deeply concerned about the future of these girls deprived of four years of training and practice in erotic dancing. “Not every cheerleader becomes president of the United States,” said high school counsellor Richard Head. “Jobs for Texans of limited intelligence are actually pretty limited. We only have one president, one governor and two senators. What are the other girls going to do if they don’t have the skills to make a living dancing in a titty bar or selling their used panties on the Internet?"

But not all Texans are in favour of the act as we discovered when we came across a group of angry mothers and their cheerleading daughters—some of whom went so far as to bare their midriffs at a protest meeting in Beaumont. "These jackasses have dropped this state back into the dark ages," shrieked Jessica Lopez, whose eighteen-year-old daughter, Janet, has been suspended by her hair extensions for six weeks for wearing a belly button ring to the local football game. "Senator Molester and his cronies are making our daughters feel like they're cum-slurping sluts when they are really nice, decent girls just like Britney Spears." sniffed another, outraged mom, pulling her lowriders down to show us her attractive, designer thong.

While details of the law remain vague, such as the size of the lead weights to be sewn into the hems of ankle length skirts, cheerleading coaches are already revising routines to take the 'whore' out of their 'two bit' cheers. Jumps, moves that require spreading the legs, and butt shakes are being phased out in favour of modest hand gestures. As one enthusiastic coach told Utterpants, “they’ll have plenty of time to shake their butts and spread their legs after the games.”

House Speaker Tom DeLay, who was an adamant supporter of the legislation, has announced plans to make the new act national law. “These filthy whores are no better than terrorists. We must cleanse America of these slutty cheerleaders! Only then can we launch pre-emptive strikes against sluts all over the world!”

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Story © Don Pitts 2005. Pictures and construction © utterpants.co.uk /050505

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