Kylie Tucker — an attractive, twenty-eight-year-old
masseuse from Sydney — was getting dirty down under with a new
six speed vibrator known affectionately as the ‘Roo' by millions
of sexaholic Australian Sheilas, when the accident occurred. The 'Roo',
whose sales topped eight million last year, is an Aussie variant of
the best-selling 'Jack Rabbit' vibrator made famous by 'Sex and
the City' star Kim Cattrall — but with much longer ears (the
'Roo, that is, not cum-happy Kim).
wasted no time getting to the the duck’s guts of the incident
when we interviewed Kylie over a couple of coldies at her local pub.
“G’day, mate. We understand you rooted yourself out good?”
“Too right, I did," replied the shaghappy Sheila with a sheepish
grin. "I was feeling well crook, but I’m much better now."
"Oh, me kebob’s healing up nicely, thanks, sport. Soon I’ll
be able to have a budgie’s tongue again,” added Kylie, happy
as a pig in shit.
“So — a ‘Roo, was it, that done the damage?”
“Me ‘Roo — yes," chortled the chirpy chit. "He’s
so soft and has the longest ears you ever saw that just vibrate my little
clitty until I’m right chuffed. I can't get enough of the cute
“Beg pardon, Miss?" we asked. "Are youse telling us
you're shagging a dumb animal who hops about on two legs and doesn't
“Leave me boyfriend out of this. I meant me rubber ‘Roo,
who touches me in places Dave could never reach.”
“So, what's the matter with Dave? Can't he get it up?”
"Kind of...," replied Kylie, flicking back her platinum blond
“I’d just had a fight with the drongo, see. I told him he
had a donger the size of a shrimp and could either get one of those
willy pumps or find himself another girlfriend. I don’t have time
to mollycoddle his donger every time he cracks a fat. Well he was mad
as a cut snake when I told him, so I stomped off down the boozer and
got legless on a few too many Britneys. When I got home,
I was so randy I slid out of me daks faster than a Koala up a Gum
tree and set about finishing what Dave couldn't start."
"And then what happened?" we asked.
"Well... I was sitting in a chair by the window with me ‘Roo
between me legs, hopping away like mad while I watched this bonza skin
flick on the box. I’d forgotten all about that stupid boyfriend
of mine. I was just mucking around, mostly, holding off as long as I
could, when all of a sudden I heard police sirens down the street. So
I jumped up, me ‘Roo still inside me, and took a squizz out the
window to see what was going on. Just as I was leaning out, I came so
hard it sent me ‘Roo shooting out the bloody window!
I mean that toy cost me $200!"
"Struth!" we replied. "No wonder you dived after it."
"Yeah... well," chuckled Kylie, "I guess I was more
pissed than I realized, coz when I leaned out the window, I fell out,
arse over tit. The next thing I remember is lying on me tummy in the
street gazing into these two, enormous, fucking headlights coming straight
When Ms Tucker awoke, the first face she saw was that of 42-year-old
Bob Brown, the driver of the truck that almost claimed her life. Mr
Brown takes up the story. “I was transporting a dozen ‘roos
to be released in the bush when I copped an eyeful of this stark bollockers
sheila lying in the middle of the road. That wasn’t quite the
bush I had in mind so I slammed on the brakes sharpish. My bull bars
came within inches of her arse. And what an arse!"
When emergency workers arrived, they found good Samaritan, Bob, lying
on top of Ms Tucker, attempting to revive the semi-conscious aeronaut
with an unorthodox
form of resuscitation.
Police officers were unable to separate the couple for some minutes
due to the number of onlookers who had gathered to lend assistance —
or possibly video Kylie's unusual facial expressions as Mr Brown wrenched
loud groans from the writhing girl.
The only fatality was one of the kangaroos, who fell out of Mr Brown's
truck when he braked and was run over by a Spanish tourist distracted
by the sight of a semi-naked woman shouting his name at the top of her
voice. Mr Jesus Hernandez was later treated for shock along with two
elderly ladies called 'Cumming'.
Ms Tucker told Utterpants
that she was initially distraught at the news that her spectacular muff
dive had mangled a kangaroo, until she realized it was a real animal
and not her precious sex toy.
“Me 'Roo's got a few bruises, but he can still hop with the best
of them," she added brightly.
The lucky Sheila went on to reveal that Dave is still a
stupid wanker with a small donger who she has dumped in favour of
a well hung trucker while her 'Roo recovers from its ordeal.
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Story © 2005 Jennifer Gardner.
Picture and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 130105