Professor Salvatore Fallacio of the University of Bologna, who led the team of Italian scientists who conducted the research, found that kids denied access to TV for just one hour experienced a 300% jump in their melatonin levels. If confirmed, this research would prove what many parents, teachers, and dirty perves who hang out in chat rooms, have long suspected; sitting in front of a TV screen or Computer monitor makes you randy.

Professor Fallacio believes that the light and radiation emitted by computer and television screens, interferes with the production of Melatonin, the hormone thought to prevent the early onset of puberty. "This is very significant result," he told Utterpants. "It suggests thatta too mucha TV can stoppa da little hormones."
"Don't you mean that it will make the little whores moan more?" we asked.
The professor ignored our little joke and continued.
"There is a bigga difference between da kids today and those of thirty years ago. "Kids spenda very many hours, maybe five or six a day, in fronta da TV or the computer."

The phenomenon of precocious puberty — first identified in American child stars like Britney Spears who developed boobies at 10¼ — is increasing all over the western world. According to Professor Fellacio, it will not be long before girls as young as eight are begging their parents for breast reduction operations. The report was greeted with howls of protest by plastic surgeons who fear thousands of jobs could be put at risk. They could be right as the value of raw silicone fell by 1002 points this morning on the London Stock exchange.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say

© 2004 utterpants.co.uk