Harry Potter broom sweeps Britain
By our woman with her finger on
the belly button of teen culture,
|A replica of the magical broom from the Harry Potter movies is sweeping teenagers off their feet, putting smiles on the faces of grandmothers and leaving young girls completely legless, or in some cases, flat on their backs with their shaking thighs wrapped around a length of vibrating wood|
The reason for this throbbing tsunami of joy? The Rimbutt 2000 Harry Potter Broom—a four-foot long vibrating stick hand-crafted from solid beechwood—which promises to give Harry Potter fans 'the ride of your life.' Each Harry Potter broom is assembled by highly-trained Taiwanese craftspersons in state-of-the-art lean to sheds somewhere in Guatemala under the strict supervision of the manufacturers—the acclaimed Amish Adult Stores corporation of Strasburg, Pennsylvania.
One mother, who was clearly not paying attention when some bloke dumped his load in her love tunnel after a few too many Bacardi Breezers, told Utterpants breathlessly: "My daughter is a huge Harry Potter fan, and simply adores Quiddich, but I was a bit reluctant to buy her this toy broom as she's nearly fifteen and I was afraid she would think it was a bit childish, but she just loves it! Even my daughter's older friend, who’s seventeen, enjoys playing with her new Harry Potter broom. Now there's never less than a dozen squealing kids locked in my daughter's bedroom playing together for hours with that thing!"
Unlike previous Harry Potter broom replicas which failed to capture the imagination of female movie fans, the Rimbutt 2000 not only vibrates along its entire length, which is thoughtfully 'grooved for easy riding', but has a 'generously sized' three inch diameter handle that rotates to allow kids to experience 'the authentic sensation of flight just like their favourite Quiddich team.' A feature prized by one delighted sixteen-year-old girl who told us that her broom had taken her 'to the moon' on several occasions—or she may have meant Uranus. Our researcher was a little puzzled by the lubrication nozzles built into the Harry Potter broom until a helpful spokestypeperson for the company assured her they were a 'safety feature' included to 'minimize soreness after extended 'flights.'
Camilla Mountjoy, thirty-eight, was quick to recognise the dangers of the new Harry Potter broom. "Our daughter has been badgering us for months to buy her this toy. So even though it has no educational value whatsoever in the end I gave in just to keep her quiet. Well, it certainly did that because she shot off to her bedroom with it and we didn't see her for the rest of the day! It wasn't until I went in to say goodnight and found her still riding it that I realized why she'd been so quiet. A four foot vibrating broom with a rotating handle would make anyone think they were flying! Lucy was a bit disappointed when we took the batteries out but as a responsible parent one has to set an example to one's kids. I mean she was actually masturbating with that thing!"
The pretty, fourteen-year-old told a different story when we caught
up with her outside her local
McDonalds. "At first I was puzzled why my Harry Potter broom was always sticky after mummy had tidied my bedroom. But then
I caught her riding it in the kitchen with the batteries in! It's
so unfair," pouted the tearful teen. "The broom was my birthday
present but now it's so yucky all the bristles have gone stiff."
Unsurprisingly, moral watchdogs in the US, have been quick to pounce on the controversial Harry Potter broom, or in some cases, grasp them firmly between their quivering buttocks—as yet another example of the moral decay which has driven British girls to ape American teens by donning baseball caps, exposing their bellies and giving blow jobs to complete strangers in exchange for a packet of Lambert & Butler and a bottle of sweet cider.
The Reverend Percy Pantz—a charismatic Tele-evangelist from Tennessee who advocates women should wear the burqa, or the 'Muslim body bag' as angry women have dubbed it—is typical of those who are trying to get the Rimbutt 2000 Harry Potter broom withdrawn from sale. "Any American child that has been given one of these Satanic sex toys is riding straight to Hell on a slippery serpent of sin! This four-foot rod of wickedness with vibrating bristles undermines the blessings of Christian abstinence and self-flagellation with nettles! For the Love of God! If you've got this devil in your house, at least remove the batteries! These filthy British sluts will do anything to corrupt our young people with their sinful, pagan ways. Why, only the other day I saw a thirteen-year-old British girl pleasuring herself with her electric toothbrush on that Internet thang."
But many British mums don't agree. "Nothing little girls do is dirty, unless you have a dirty mind,’ snapped professional masseuse, Glenda Scutbucket, turning a knob on a yellow plastic duck's tail to make the toy vibrate. "My ten-year-old son loves to play with this duck in the bath. It's the only way I can get him to wash properly between his legs. It's insane to try to ban this harmless novelty just because some kids might use it as a sex toy. You might as well ban little girls sliding down banisters or riding ponies."
Gussett, a single mother of six from Chingford, in Essex—told
she had confiscated her thirteen-year-old daughter's Harry Potter broom
within minutes of its arrival. "When I opened Jade's bedroom door
I was shocked to see her sprawled on her bed, with her thighs wrapped
around a vibrating broom and her dripping
wet knickers around her ankles. I mean, I don't mind her giving
blow jobs but those vibrating bristles could do her little pussy
a serious mischief."
It seems that even grandmothers are not immune to the Harry Potter
magic as we discovered when we spoke to one young teen who finally tracked
down her missing broom after weeks of fruitless searching. "I heard
this weird buzzing sound coming from the cellar and when I went down
to investigate I found grandma with her bloomers around her ankles,
sitting on the washing machine with my Harry Potter broom between her
legs, going 'Wheeee!"
When we put the concerns of the Reverend Pantz and outraged parents to the manufacturers, Ms Diane Zimmerman of Amish Adult Stores told us: "We're simply helping young women to become more comfortable with their own bodies. Hopefully this will encourage more physical jerks—um, fitness and self-confidence amongst young teens. Nowhere in our sales literature does it say that our Harry Potter replica broom is a sex toy. The Rimbutt 2000 is all about healthy action and stimulation."
Their defensive attitude was shared by acclaimed author, J K Rowling, who took time out from working on her new manuscript of Harry Potter and Hermione's Magical Pussy to speak exclusively to Utterpants from atop a huge mountain of cash. "It's been nearly ten years since I wrote The Philosopher's Stone. Harry's fans are sixteen now and like him, they've moved on from playing with dollies and train sets. At least this new Harry Potter broom toy will stop the randy little sods smoking crack and having unprotected sex behind bus shelters."
Even if the controversial Harry Potter broom is withdrawn from stores,
the millions of kids who are hooked on his wizardry won't go short of
new toys to play with, as sixteen-year-old twin sisters, Zoe and Kim,
were eager to explain. "The new Harry Potter vibrating chess set
is totally wicked," cooed Zoe, as she wriggled out of her black
lace thong. "Although the pieces are plastic and don't look much
like anyone at Hogwarts, they have these great ridges and knobbly bits,
and they're a decent size—knights and bishops are like, over six
© 2005 Keli McTaggart. Design & construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 170605A220206