Amish Adult Stores go Franchise Amish Adult Stores Go Franchise

By our man who knows wood when he sees it, Don Pitts

In a surprise move that has sent shock waves through the American Adult industry and unleashed a tsunami of speculation in wood futures on Wall Street, the popular Amish Adult Store chain today announced that it will sell franchises in an attempt to go nation-wide.

Amish Adult Stores, already a household name in liberal Pennsylvania and Ohio, where erotic nostalgia has become big business, have carved a niche for themselves among today's affluent twenty-something urbanites with their stylish range of wooden sex toys and old-fashioned porn like grandma and grandpa used to enjoy.

Utterpants caught up with Amish Adult Stores franchise manager, Diane Zimmerman, at the company's manufacturing plant in Strasburg, Pennsylvania. “I can't tell you how excited I am," gushed the twenty-seven year-old blonde as she showed us round the plant. "We never imagined that there would be such a huge demand for our products."
"So how did this all begin?" we asked.
Diane giggled as she tucked a stray strand of hair under her pretty, black bonnet and apologised for the damp stains on her dress, which she said were from 'wood glue'. "Us Amish girls have always gotten enormous pleasure from the traditional, wooden tools our menfolk use in the fields, " she explained, "so it seemed only natural to put that knowledge and experience to good use for the benefit of millions of deprived and frustrated Americans. The Lord is the head of man, and man is the head of woman, but there's nothing in scripture that says anything about women getting head from a little wood, is there?" she chuckled.

Diane went on to explain that young Amish girls learn the value of working with their fingers at an early age and most of them know how to handle wood before they're out of their teens, so it came as something of a shock to the company when some customers complained they were being injured by their sex toys.
"Injured?" we asked.
"Well...er—um, some men have complained of splinters..."
"Splinters?" we repeated.
"It seems they tried to have sex with our wooden ducks."
"Is that difficult?"
"Well our ducks don't have any holes in them so I guess they must have drilled some themselves. Those Ohio English are pretty sick. One woman returned a wooden rabbit because she said the ears kept breaking off."
"What was she doing with it?"
"We have no idea, but it came back all covered in chocolate. At least we think it was chocolate."

Although the bulk of the stores sales come from smaller products made from oak and apple wood the company also manufactures larger toys, like the powerful, 'EasyRide' range of rocking horses, shaking sheep and gyrating goats.
"Do you use oak and apple a lot?" we asked.
"Well, no. We mostly use cherry wood for our dildos and love beads," she replied with a coquettish wiggle of her slender hips.
"How appropriate," we replied.
So what's your top selling big toy?" we asked.
"Oh definitely our 'EasyRide' pony rocker, powered by one, two, or three horsepower motors," enthused Diane, affectionately patting the vibrating saddle of the demonstration model.
"I thought you didn't use motors?"
"We don't," she replied. "The saddle and the adjustable dildo are driven by belts and pulleys off a big treadmill. The horses cost extra."

It's not that the Amish don’t employ machinery, they just limit their technology to inventions developed before 1890. Their machinery has gears, hand cranks, fulcrums; the full gamut of mechanical engineering development from Adam to post Eli Whitney. They just don’t use internal combustion engines or electricity. They have egg beaters, wind powered pumps, water mills and horse powered pile driver technology and this timeless knowledge has been carefully built into their hand-crafted sex toys down the generations.

Diane admitted that much of their market is driven by nostalgia. "All across America people yearn for a simpler age of non-electric self-pleasure. Even when batteries were finally invented, who could afford them? And of course they're still weak and undependable, playing out on you at just the wrong time. Our Amish Adult Stores take people back to the moaning haylofts and outhouses of yesteryear, when backyards were filled with friendly farm animals, every boy had his favourite tree knot and little girls slid down wooden banisters."

Amish Adult Stores Sex ToyAs one smiling artisan put it to us as he lovingly turned the cherry wood shaft for another deluxe twelve inch dildo, "Who needs a blowup doll when you can have a hand-cranked, shaking sheep—and who knows a sheep’s bottom better than we Amish lads?"
Diane nodded approvingly, adding: "It's not just a nostalgia trip for our customers. Think about all those power outages in the big cities! Everybody gets a bit horny in a power outage, which explains why we Amish have so many kids, but what if you have no partner? With electric appliances you’re screwed—uh—well not screwed actually, anyway, you’re shit out of luck. But if you’ve been shopping in an Amish Adult Store, you’re only a couple of hand cranks away from the ride of your life.”

A blanket ban on movies and TV has not prevented the enterprising Amish manufacturing a lap top porno flip card player—imaginatively marketed as the 'seXbox'.
“You just turn this wooden handle,” explained Diane as our bemused reporter focused his startled eyes on the tiny, flickering screen, “the cards flip and the show begins. We have 'Debbie Does Dobbin,' Thomas and the Girls’ Choir', Slutty Sarah and the Deacon’s Daughter,' 'Backseat Buggy Action,' Samuel’s Obliging Sheep' and many more erotic titles providing good, homespun fun for all the family just the way the Lord meant it to be. There's even a handsfree model."
"Handsfree?" we asked.
"You—um, work the crank with your feet," said Diane. "It's proving surprisingly popular with college students in Ohio."
"We're not surprised," we commented. "College students invariably have their hands full."

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Story © Don Pitts 2005. Picture and construction © utterpants.co.uk /290405

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