Candy Abuse Leads to Toxic Choc Syndrome Candy Abuse Leads to Toxic Choc Syndrome

By our man who knows what to do with a candy bar, Snoz Bunsen

Sexual health groups up and down the country have called for urgent government intervention in their stand-off with confectionery manufacturers following the publication of a report by the BMA (British Medical Association) into the growing number of women admitted to hospital with candy-related masturbation injuries

The news comes hard on the heels of our report earlier this year that leading supermarket chains are to restrict the sale of courgettes, bananas and carrots in a bid to stem the rising tide of vegetable abuse by a sick minority of depraved women.

The incidence of Toxic Choc Syndrome (TCS) has soared by over 9,000% since major manufacturers introduced 'King-Size' varieties of their products to the UK during the 1990's. Virginia Thrush, spokeswoman for the TCS support group, Keep King-Size Snickers Out Of Our Knickers, outlined the size of the problem to Utterpants:
"Up until the mid 1990's casualty departments were rarely confronted by TCS. Prior to that, the biggest problem was 'Wagon Wheel Wiggle', but this condition all but disappeared after the makers responded to public concern and reduced the diameter of the biscuit in question, which can now be comfortably inserted into either front or back passage without too much difficulty. As a matter of fact, I have one in each at the moment. The tingling sensation produced by the soft, marshmallow centre as the hard exterior dissolves, is rather yummy."

"But what exactly is TCS?" we asked her.
"Well basically," explained Ms Thrush, self-consciously crossing her slim legs as she brushed a stray crumb from her tanned thighs, "just as some women are allergic to nuts, or at least unwashed nuts, we are finding more and more teenage girls who exhibit similar symptoms when they masturbate with candy bars."
"Such as?" we asked.
"Dilated pupils, flushed skin, trembling, shortness of breath and intense euphoria."
"But surely you've just described the female orgasm?"
"Have I? Bloody hell! No wonder so many patients keep relapsing."

But toxic shock is just the tip of this shocking chocolate candy mountain, as we discovered when we spoke to an anonymous GP who's London surgery is besieged by hundreds of teenage girls every day. "The symptoms of TCS vary depending on the type of chocolate abused," he told us. "For example, regular use of King-Size Kitty Kat can lead to 'Chuff Chafe', a painful condition of the vulval vestibule, brought about by the angular nature of the confectionery in question. One woman in the Purley area nearly died after innocently inserting a caramel wafer into her vagina at the moment of climax." 27-year-old 'Rachel' (not her real name) describes her ordeal: "I was quite taken by the angular shape of the wafer and thought it might prove an orgasmic treat if I shoved it all the way up. At the time I was ignorant of the astringent qualities of desiccated coconut and when I pulled it back out I prolapsed my entire vagina. The doctor told me I am lucky to be alive."

A Labour Party spokestypeperson who we didn't consult, but who was happy to nosh on a chocolate bar our researcher had slipped into her knickers, assured Utterpants that now that War on Terror had been all but won, the immigration crisis was 'well sorted' and the NHS was 'fighting fit', combating TCS would be the government's leading priority during their third term.

Concerned confectionary manufacturers have all promised to put sexual health warnings on their products and agreed to phase out king-size bars. One manufacturer has led the way in responsible advertising by dropping the claim that its chocolate bars provide 'Pleasure that keeps on coming' and reverted to it's previous slogan: 'a Brix a day keeps you slim, trim and free of zits.'
Secondary and Primary schools were quick to follow this lead by banning the sale of the controversial chocs and local authorities are cooperating with the Government to educate teenagers about the dangers of TCS.

In the meantime, Keep King-Size Snickers Out Of our Knickers have published a self help guide entitled Sweet-Safe-Sex, which can be downloaded from their website. Virginia Thrush launched the guide at a press conference last week in Bournville, Birmingham where she said, "Let's be realistic, sexual practices have changed in recent years and it's quite apparent that a finger of fudge is no longer enough to give yourself a treat. There are some king-size products out there that are perfectly safe; king-size Brix immediately springs to mind. It's still the regular thickness but that extra length can really stimulate the cervical opening. Another excellent product is king-size chocolate Ballz. Essentially they're just a bigger bag of standard size Ballz but the extra quantity does the average woman for three or four good sessions. It's for that reason alone that we have asked the manufacturers to consider a zip-lock, resealable bag. But then of course, you could always simply eat them."

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The brand and product names referred to in this satirical article are imaginary and bear no relationship to any similar-sounding products or names, or their respective manufacturers.
Story © 2005 Snoz Bunsen. Picture & construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk /180105 R070505
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