Bottom Falls Out of Thongs Bottom Falls Out of Thongs

By our woman in the navy blue knickers,

Miranda S Givings
The knicker industry is in meltdown today after retailers reported a sharp decline in the sale of thongs in High Street stores across the country

So bad is the downturn in the industry that some analysts are predicting a tidal wave of unemployment in the Far East—if not a tsunami of joblessness, as millions of Chinese are forced to seek alternative work as offshore phone sex operatives.

"This is a catastrophe," a spokestypeperson for Anne Summers Lingerie sobbed into her Macchiato when Utterpants interviewed her atop a huge mountain of unsold 'Teeny Weeny Strings'. "Sales have collapsed by nearly 200% in the past year and some of our stores may have to close if we can't get women's bottoms back into thongs."
"And how do you plan to do that?" we asked.
"Stop chavettes buying them!" snapped the spokestypeperson. "It's the association with teenage sluts who flaunt their thongs that's caused this backlash among decent women."

"Sexually aggressive, thong-wearing, fourteen-year-old harlots with filthy cigarettes dangling from their sneering lips who terrorize communities with their violence, swearing and droves of illegitimate kids," explained the spokestypeperson. "One cannot go out any more without encountering gangs of these disgusting teenagers dressed in hooded tracksuits and Burberry baseball caps on every street corner, openly flaunting their thongs at complete strangers. Is it any wonder that ordinary women are sick and tired of being associated with these sluts and are looking for less revealing alternatives, such as the sensible cotton bloomers favoured by their grandmothers? Unless we ban the sale of thongs to these hooligans the whole lingerie industry will go down the toilet!"

Sadly, there is not much chance of a ban being imposed upon what some experts predict will soon be the dominant culture in this country, as a leading sociologist was at pains to point out us. "The insidious signs of chav 'culture' are all around us," boomed Professor Stringfondel. "Empty cider bottles and condom packets litter our streets, along with half-eaten burgers and discarded thongs. Short of enforced sterilisation, these vermin will continue to breed like rabbits—smoking, drinking, fighting and fornicating their way into every strata of society."

We steered the professor back to the subject in hand by asking him if he thought the drop in the sale of thongs was due to their association with chavs.
"No question about it," he shouted. "Any decent woman who wears one of these filthy things risks being branded a slut and a moron. At the height of the thong explosion, in 2003, sales of strings accounted for approximately 61.28% of all panty sales, but that figure has now fallen to below 10%. It is only a matter of time before thongs join split-crotch panties and suspender belts as a niche item only worn by sex workers, elderly clergymen and transsexual Reality TV show contestants."

The irony of this was not lost on 'D-list' celebrity, Nadia Almada, a transsexual Reality TV show contestant who asked us not to reveal her name, but failed to send us the enormous cheque we demanded. Nadia reminded us that thongs had first been worn by strippers and American trailer trash until they won respectability when Britney Spears flaunted one on stage. “Showing your thong is so five minutes ago,” said the former Big Brother winner.
"So what do you wear?" we asked.
"Well..actually I'm not wearing anything," he giggled.
We politely declined Nadia's invitation to verify her claims and beat a hasty retreat before the walking tit-scaffold could carry out her threat to 'slip into something more uncomfortable.'

The dramatic decline in the sales of thongs has also refuelled the concerns of many health professionals who have repeatedly warned of the dangers associated with the wearing of tight underwear. Top model, Elle Macpherson, 41, who launched her own range of sensible undies earlier this month, told Utterpants: “Thongs are not only uncomfortable but unsanitary and dangerous. Women who persist in wearing them are risking infection and infertility."

Her warning was echoed by Dr Bartholin, a senior gynaecologist at the University of London, who told us: "There are now a number of recognised medical conditions associated with the extended wearing of thongs."
"Extended?" we queried. "You mean for long periods of time?"
"No, I mean extended. The material stretches and extends into the anterior annulus superficialis, causing irritation, infection and ultimately, death."
"DEATH!?" we exclaimed.
"OK, I lied about that. But gusset chafe is no picnic for the thousands of women who come to me, I assure you. Nor are chronic constipation, haemorrhoids, ring sting and rectovaginal thrush"
"Anal thrush, doctor? Is there such a condition."

"No, but telling women they have it is the surest way I know to get them to let me sedate them while I insert a very large, organic suppository up their puburectalis maximus."
"Organic suppository, doctor?"
"Well I call it a suppository so as not to alarm them when the suppository discharges its—um, liquid contents."
"Are you telling us that having unprotected anal sex with your female patients cures them of these distressing conditions?"
"Well, no..but it seems to put them off wearing thongs for a while."

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© 2005 Miranda S Givings and utterpants.co.uk / 010805
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