science satire news science satire news
Short, fat ugly women risk heart disease Short, Fat Ugly Women Risk Heart Disease

By our little cracker in the kitchen,
Keli McTaggart
A recent study has revealed that short, fat ugly women with red hair and greasy skin are more likely to develop heart disease — as well as fail to score with guys, except at McDonald's on a Sunday, when they may get off with a short, fat bearded guy called Kev

Unless you're a tall, slim, gorgeous hottie like our reporter (left), the chances are that you are already on your way to intensive care easy street in a coronary care unit. According to a report just published in the ever popular Women's magazine 'Microwaveable Meals in Minutes' — the likelihood of women suffering heart disease increases by approximately 94.78 percent for every extra inch of flab.

The study of more than 1,947 British women aged between 25 and 55 found a clear link between height, weight, hair colour and the risk of developing coronary heart disease, as well as more serious medical conditions such as spots, genital warts, breast hair and thrush.

The author of the report, Dr Anna Rexia, told Utterpants: "a short stature, red hair and obesity are statistically significant proxies for environmental factors which affect both the growth of the bones in the legs and also have a long-term effect on coronary insufficiency."
"Does that mean short, fat women with red hair and greasy skin are more likely to die from a heart attack?" we asked.
"In a nutshell, yes."

"You don't think it could have something to do with all the crap these fat, ugly women stuff their faces with?" we asked.
"Such as?"
"Cheese, microwaveable pizzas, burgers, chips, snickers— that kind of thing."
"American women like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton seem to live on fries and cheese-based snacks and they're not short or fat, are they?"
"We guess it can't have anything to do with what you eat then."

Dr Rexia went on to tell us that similar studies have shown that the children of tall, dark, handsome men also face less risk of heart disease.
"Why's that?" we asked her.
"Because tall, dark, handsome men don't marry short, fat ugly bitches with red hair and greasy skin," replied the tall, leggy, blonde bombshell curtly.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say. Get it off your chest!

© 2004 rvd171204 /A250605

Front Page
News Briefs
Totally Britney
Politics News
World News
What visitors are saying about Utterpants Satire News - no really. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, honest.
Satire News
Satire News
Read our Funny stories
Satire News
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Satire News
Porn not found
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web