New Lube to revolutionise Oil Industry New Lube to revolutionise Oil Industry

By our science correspondents,
Miranda Givings and Drake Mallard

An unemployed American toolmaker from Knoxville, Tennessee, claims to have discovered a revolutionary new lubricant which he says will make stiff hinges, seized couplings and sticking control rods a thing of the past

Clayton D Moorehead (53), is no stranger to controversy, having shocked the residents of this staunchly Christian southern American town three years ago when he announced he'd discovered a cure for teenage masturbation by inventing what he called the 'woodpecker'—a device that administers a powerful, electric shock to the testicles whenever a sensor implanted in the groin detects an erection.
The eccentric inventor reluctantly withdrew the device after complaints by local pastors that the cries of 'Jesus H Christ!' uttered by some junior members of their congregations were disrupting Church services.

His latest discovery, which he has patented under the name of PussyGLIDE®, is sure to raise an even greater storm of protest—or possibly howls of pleasure—from residents still reeling from his plans to market 'holy water' manufactured from recycled urine collected from Catholic Priests. The controversial new lubricant is manufactured from secretions released by the Bartholin glands in a woman's vagina during sexual arousal. Clayton Moorehead claims these secretions are the most effective lubricant ever discovered because they do not attract dirt, do not wash off and outlast all other lubricants.

Pussy lube to revolutionise oil industryUtterpants caught up with the eccentric inventor in his 'laboratory'—a converted moonshine distillery tucked away behind the local Lesbian Single Mother's Club on 69th Street and asked him how he made his revolutionary discovery."I’ve always wondered what that stuff was since I was a kid foolin' around with Marylou at school," gushed the inventor excitedly. "It’s like the slickest material on the face of the planet. Then when the President liberatorialized Eyerack and them dayum insurgentories started blowing up Halliburton's oil wells I got to thinking this could be the industrial lubricant of the future."
"You don't think that some people might be reluctant to use a..er..human-based lubricant?" we asked.
"Hell no!" ejaculated the inventor, thrusting a glass vial into our hands. "Astronauts recycle their own urine, don't they? It's not as if people are going to drink the stuff."
"Won't people object to the smell of tuna?" we asked, trying not to gag as we handed the sample back to him with a shudder.

"That's just an early trial of PussyGLIDE®," explained Moorehead, tapping a strange-looking device on his desk with a conspirational wink. "I have that problem licked. This new prototype adds a secret ingredient that neutralises even the strongest odours."
"It looks rather like a miniature vacuum cleaner with ears to us," we commented.
"That's because it is a miniature vacuum cleaner with ears. You're looking at my mark IV PussyMILKER® with bi-rotational, clitoral stimulators. Just think of the employment prospects! Millions of frustrated women moaning with delight—possibly many delirious with happiness—riding or thrusting their way to a frictionless world! Producing millions of gallons of the finest lubricant on the face of the planet!"

His neighbour, Arnie Stevens (47), was equally enthusiastic when we interviewed him at his local Laundromat where he took time out from washing his Klan robes, to talk to us. "I first tried PussyGLIDE® on the breech of my AR15 Varmint when it jammed while I was huntin' these suspicious looking Islamaic dudes hangin' around my kid's school. I was just blown away, man. Well, actually I blew them away, but that's beside the point. PussyGLIDE® is dynamite! An' with that thar new Pussy Milker Clayton's invented ah reckon he has both ends of the market sewn up. If this doesn't put Knoxville on the map nuthin' will!"

We left Clayton Moorehead cheerfully whistling Abba's 'Money, money, money' whilst pouring over the blueprints to his 'pussy milking device' and put in a quick call to our stockbroker. We advise our readers to do the same.

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© 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 150205

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