New treatment for hyperactive Kids New treatment for hyperactive Kids
By our filly with her finger on the belly button of Teen Culture,
Keli McTaggart
Millions of hyperactive British kids could soon benefit from a revolutionary new type of treatment, leading doctors told Utterpants today

SMAKbotty™, which has just received a UK licence, is the first non-drug treatment for Spoiled Little Brats Disorder (SLBD). SLBD is thought to affect as many as 856,000 British children with symptoms including swearing, insolence, difficulty concentrating, learning problems and an addiction to mobile ringtones.

Until now, the only treatments for Spoiled Little Brats Disorder have been drugs or the present of a mobile phone or iPod. But mobiles have caused controversy due to concerns that they may cause brain damage, as well as fears they could be used as sex toys by clueless teenage girls. Doctors have also expressed alarm that parents using the popular drug Lager to control hyperactivity may not be aware of the dangerous side-effects such as, dizziness, nausea, projectile vomiting, unwanted pregnancy and excessive use of electric toothbrushes.

The manufacturer of the new wonder cure, Suess & Freud plc, told utterpants that SMAKbotty™ is the first new treatment for SLBD in more than thirty years, and because it isn't a drug, it cannot be abused.

The revolutionary new treatment will be available on prescription from mid-July and will be supplied in two packs — standard and high-risk, at a cost to the NHS of between £39.95 and £199.99 per pack. The standard pack will include the patented 'inpants' bumslapper™ and a waist level 'wiFi bluetooth' controller. The spring-loaded bumslapper™ will administer a carefully controlled slap to the patient's posterior whenever the controller detects a range of antisocial trigger phenomena, such as swearing, temper tantrums, speaking in SMS acronyms, or the inability to concentrate on schoolwork for more than twenty seconds. The high-risk pack is designed for chronic cases who have their own moblog, refuse to eat their greens and masturbate with broomsticks a lot.

Dr Norah Knappeigh, a consultant paediatrician at Queens Memorial Hospital, Purley, told us:
"I feel we've finally got to the bottom of this terrible disorder. We don't want to treat children with drugs, chocolate based snacks, Big Macs, and mobiles any more. SMAKbotty™ will allow millions of spoiled brats — I mean hyperactive children — to grow up into articulate, talented, well-adjusted adults like Dale Winton — or possibly even Jordan."

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Story © 2004 Keli McTaggart. Picture and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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