Mums demand designer babies Mums Demand Designer Babies

By our filly in the Fertility Clinic,
Miranda S Givings
London — the UK fertility watchdog, Ofegg, is under mounting pressure from British women to 'relax' its rules on 'designer babies', a leading gynaecologist told Utterpants today

Fertility expert Dr Ibrahim Hosani told Utterpants today that there was no longer any justification for withholding the benefits of the latest advances in in vitro fertilisation (IVF) from millions of British women; women who are desperate for the chance of bearing children that will have the stunning good looks, scintillating personality and enviable intelligence of 'A-list' celebrities like Posh Spice and David Beckham.

IVF is the process used to conceive a child outside the body. A woman's eggs and a man's sperm are placed together in a plastic dish for fertilisation. Once fertilised, the resulting embryos are placed back in the woman's uterus in the hope that a successful pregnancy will follow—or, more commonly, that a pregnancy will not follow, so that wildly optimistic mums will continue to hand over huge wodges of cash to blokes in white coats who like fingering women's naughty bits.

Until now, The UK Human Embryology Association (UKHEA) has restricted the availability of IVF to screening embryos for serious genetic defects such as red hair, short, fat legs and greasy skin. But popular TV shows like 'Big Brother' and 'I'm a rich and famous good-looking bitch; get me out of here!, have fueled the demand for children that have a better than even chance of becoming a C-List celebrity—or possibly getting a walk-on part in East Enders.

The clamour from clinically obese, intellectually challenged women on supplementary benefit, who are fed up with having babies who will grow up to work as call-centre operators and marry a plumber from Dagenham called 'Dave' is putting increasing pressure on the UKHEA to make IVF freely available from 1st April 2006.

Dr Ibrahim Hosani was enthusiastic about the benefits of a relaxation of the rules when we interviewed him at his clinic in London's fashionable Islington. "Parents are rightfully demanding IVF and genetic screening to create babies who will grow up to be rich, good-looking and famous. We now have the technology to completely eliminate undesirable genetic traits such as small breasts, underarm hair and male pattern baldness. Do we really want to consign our children to lives of obscurity, low pay and expensive cosmetic surgery when they could grow up to be Posh and Becks—or even Tony Blair?

The UKHEA is expected to bow to public pressure and the representations of leading specialists like Dr Hosani to bring UK policy in line with the United States, where parents have long been able to choose from a wide selection of 'baby styles' at Wallmart stores. As Dr Hosani was quick to point out, the free availability of IVF in America has all but eradicated the genetic weaknesses which plague the UK and produced such outstanding individuals as The Olsen Twins, Eminem and Britney Spears. "If it's OK for America it's got to be good for us," commented a short, fat woman with red hair and greasy skin.

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk /A250606

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