US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has defended comments made during an international summit on race relations held in China last week, when he astonished delegates with the phrase: 'I am reary preased to be in Roochow with such glate folks.' The distinguished diplomat then went on to ask for a dish of 'flied lice' and commented that 'it was the best damned chinkie I've ever had'. A Mr Fu King, the conference catering manager, had to be forcibly restrained when he attempted to insert a particularly fat and succulent Peking Duck into Mr Rumsfeld's bottom.

Mr Rumsfeld told Utterpants: "My attempt to speak Chinese was merely a gesture of international goodwill aimed at promoting race-relations".

The move comes just days after Rumsfeld's visit to Bwnabaasaland — or some similar sounding African republic, where he wowed the Zulu Young Mothers Action Group with a preview of the Black & White Minstrel routine he is due to premiere at this year's Edinburgh Festival.

"I've long considered myself to be the world's leading advocate of racial harmony," quipped the tactful negotiator. "Anyone who can say they've done as much as me to promote international relations is lying."

Furious Chinese, African, and Andorran diplomats have blasted the US defence secretary for his 'outbursts' and have made repeated calls for his resignation.
"I'd like to thank the Chinese and African delegates for their kind compliments on my recent gestures," added Rumsfeld, "and I will continue to do everything in my power to leach — I mean, reach — out to those funny coloured people with speech impediments. Anyone who says otherwise, is a communist and an un-American traitor!"

Controversy is sure to follow the beleaguered defence kingpin next month when he addresses an audience of Holocaust survivors.
"Wait till they get a load of my speech," Rumsfeld told Utterpants, "It'll be a gas!"

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.

Story and picture © 2004 Barry Subchimp. Construction and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk