Terror attacks rock London: millions of panties soiled as Blair promises to nuke Iraq
|By our man in the striped tea towel, Mustafah Fagh|
|London -- Terrified citizens, bewildered US sex tourists and thousands of Eastern European asylum seekers soiled their underwear today as a series of terror attacks rocked the British capital|
But fear and embarrassment quickly turned to huge sighs of relief—if not jingoistic jubilation—when Prime Minister Tony Blair generously cut short his golfing holiday in Gleneagles to make a momentous address to the nation. Shielding his ears from the sound of gunfire as security forces mopped up the last of the bearded terrorists thought to be responsible for the bomb blasts, but who may have been Iraqi students fleeing interrogation in Abu Ghraib, Mr Blair didn't mince his words as he outlined his plans to defeat terrorism.
"Dear debt-ridden, third world scroungers—sorry, wrong speech. Er, just a minute, I have it here somewhere...Oh yes... Right! Some of you may have noticed that there were a number of loud bangs in London today. Contrary to a statement made by the Home Secretary earlier today that this was due to collisions between Taxi cabs unable to enter the congestion zone, it is now reasonably clear that there have been several terrorist attacks in London. There have been some fatalities, both people that have died and people that may die waiting to get into an NHS hospital, either because the irresponsible buggers haven't taken out private medical insurance, or because the beds are full of selfish pensioners who couldn't wait a few more years to have their crumbling hips replaced.
Those of you who have read Lord Hutton's unbiased report into the preparation for our invas—sorry, liberation of Iraq, will understand that until the security services have retrospectively sexed up—er, I mean, meticulously investigated—these terrible events, there is a limit to the information Mr Bush says I can give you.
It was the will of that very good friend that the G8 summit should continue in my absence, or, as the President put it to me over a round of golf this morning: 'No one knows better than my omnipotent self what it feels like to have some Islamaist greaseball fuck you over. Nuke the suckers, Tony. Just make sure you don't hit any of my oil wells, OK?' And that is precisely what I am going to do. Just as it is reasonably clear that I did not plan and execute this cowardly terrorist attack on the defenceless civilians of a sovereign nation which was not at war, it is also reasonably clear that it was designed to coincide with news that the price of crude oil has reached $65 a barrel and that my popularity has dipped below 99.97%. Each of the countries round the G8 coffee table have some experience of the terrible effects of globalism—ah, I mean—global terrorism and all the leaders, as they will confirm when Mr Bush's advisors have had a little chat with them in the basement, will fully support my decision to defeat the fanatical criminals that seeks to destabilise our economies and stick two fingers up to the World Bank.
It is important that those engaged in terrorism realise that Britain's determination to defend American values and the American way of life is greater than their determination to refuse the gifts of democracy, freedom and Christian fundamentalism which we have generously bestowed on their backward, idol-worshipping dictatorships. Consequently, I have ordered nuclear air strikes against known terrorist cells in Iraq, Iran, Syria and Pakistan. Whilst it is inevitable that there may be some slight collateral damage from these initiatives, I know that the British people will fully support my actions as the only appropriate response to these cowardly attacks on London. After all, we may well see as many as fifty deaths and several hundred casualties as a result of these appalling terrorist outrages. As my good American chum, Congolese Rice once said, a few thousand dead Iraqi women and children is a small price to pay for preserving the American way of life we British have sworn to uphold.
Just as my tough new immigration policies have virtually rid the UK of illegal aliens, so will Charles Clarke-Blindgit's tamper-proof identity cards make it almost impossible for terrorists to operate in this country, sweeping away the last hurdle to winning the war on terror. Finally, I want to make it quite clear that the action we are taking is in no way related to events in the United States where a judge has just sent a New York Times reporter to jail for refusing to divulge the identity of a source whose disclosures about some CIA agent have apparently embarrassed my good friend and ally, President Bush."
The Prime Minister then went on to urge the public to 'carry an umbrella and don stout, woolen underpants' and be on the alert for suspicious, dark-skinned characters wearing striped tea towels on their heads purchasing alarm clocks or fuse wire.
A suspicious-looking bloke with a striped tea towel on his head carrying an alarm clock and roll of fuse wire told Utterpants that a previously unknown group have claimed responsibility for the attacks. Calling themselves the 'Secret Group of Pissed off Oil Sheikhs in Saudi', the desperate band of merchant bankers, retired Texan oil barons and commodity speculators from Wall Street, claimed responsibility for the attack, and warned Britain that it could expect 'more of the same' if it didn't stop buying cheap, Iraqi crude.
London mayor Ken Livingstone has lashed out at the blasts which have brought the city to a standstill and look set to slash his congestion charge revenues by as much as 3,000%. In a defiant message delivered from atop a Mitsubishi Shogun in London's Leicester Square, Red Ken bawled: "This callous attack was deliberately aimed at ordinary middle-class mums and pensioners out shopping for gas masks and shrapnel-proof underpants."
Mr Livingstone then called on Londoners to make as many unnecessary journeys as possible to 'rubberneck' the action', as he put it, and help top up the city's dwindling transport fund. But his advice fell on deaf ears as terrified mums, too frightened to face the daily ordeal of the school run, abandoned their 4x4's in droves and cowered in cellars across the city clutching copies of the Prime Minister's 'Preparing for Emergencies' leaflet.
In a related incident, George W Bush was seriously injured this afternoon when a caddy dropped a number eight iron on the President's foot, which has prevented the brave and caring philanthropist from joining a resolute Mr Blair in London. The President, whose left toe is said has sustained 'appalling damage' in the accident, was immediately airlifted to a secure, nuclear-strike-proof, underground bunker in Lossymouth, along with his senior US economic advisors who were attending the G8 summit. When tasked to explain why leading Democrats were left behind at the Gleneagles hotel, a shaken Mr Bush is alleged to have snapped: "To teach them commie-loving, faggot-supportifying, terroristical synthesizers who's running the world, goddangmit!"
As we went to press it was unclear if the United States would support the UK's nuclear strikes, but a spokestypeperson for the White House told Utterpants that: "Our British allies can rely on the same level of assistance as we generously provided when that other pissant island in the Atlantic was attacked by terrorists."
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© 2005 Derek Tree and Utterpants.co.uk /070705