In a speech worthy of Dr Goebbels, the dapper Texan charmer went on to defend a raft of new security measures designed to put the fear of god into anyone foolish enough to try to sneak into the Home of the Brave without an Israeli passport or a personal invitation from Karl Rove.

Topping the President's list is the welcome proposal to refuse admittance to anyone with an Islamic surname or a full-length beard, unless they are an employee of Halliburton Industries or a member of the 7,287 strong Saudi Royal Family. Visitors to the US will also have to prove their knowledge of the American constitution by reciting the whole of the Second Amendment. Knowledge of the First Amendment is not required as we understand it is in the process of being re-drafted by a Senate sub-committee headed by Dick Cheney and Congolese Rice.

So successful is this radical strategy likely to prove, that British security experts believe the principle could soon be applied in the UK. "I'm all for it," enthused a bloke in a dark suit and sunglasses who took time off from strip-searching Japanese schoolgirls for biological weapons at London's Heathrow Airport to talk to us. "If we can only turn back a quarter of the suspicious looking ex-pop stars with Islamic surnames and long beards who are clamouring to get into Britain, we'll be laughing. Simple as that."

The President went on to say: "My new initiatories will finally smash the snakepit of global terror located slap bang in the middle of Eyerack and liberatorialize the remaining citizens of Fallujah and Baghdad who will thank our great nation on bended knee for the gifts of freedom, democracy and decency which our brave boys have brought to their country."

Opponents of 'Fortress America' who have pointed out that US citizens are more likely to die through the mindless violence of their fellow patriots taking pot shots at them in shopping malls and classrooms rather than Iraqi suicide bombers, have been dismissed by President Bush as 'a lunatic fringe who are out to undermine our libertories and freedom'.

President Bush's announcement comes just days after the Prime Minister drew a standing ovation from the party faithful in Brighton by announcing a joint Anglo-American proposal to disband the United Nations and replace it with the 'Texan Good Buddies Congress' — a philanthropic organisation which will be dedicated to the democratisation of 'backward, corrupt dictatorships' and the 'foul-smelling, anti-American scumbags who run them'

Republicans are claiming 'the final victory' in the war on terror is at hand — or possibly just around the corner — since suspected terrorists refused admission to the US will stop trying to get in once they realise a faked Canadian passport and a Jewish surname are not going to pull the wool over President Bush's eyes.

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