President's Speeches Leaked to British press President's Speeches Leaked to British press

By our man who knows a provisional ballot when he sees one, Dale Petrie
LONDON - In an astonishing scoop with has stunned the world, Utterpants received an explosive email from an anonymous source this afternoon containing a secret transcript of President Bush's election speeches

In a rare glimpse into the Machiavellian mind of the man who will lead the United States for another four glorious years, George W Bush’s personal computer was hacked into and some of the most revealing contents were leaked to our source. It was quickly apparent that Karl Rove had made it almost impossible for his protégé to screw up, as the two email attachments, clearly still in the first draft stage, were named 'LOSER' and 'WINNER' with big, red titles that read: “What I Say when I win” and “What I say if all Karl's low down, dirty tricks fail.”

The President's victory speech reads:
“My fellow Americans — we have prevailed against the evil John Kerry, so now he can go back to Massuhchewsets and perform gay marriages for the terroristical synthesisers, at least until I make it illegal for them cum-guzzling butt fuckers to breath. Now I can get down to the serious business of cutting taxes, and I’m gonna start by getting rid of the top two tax brackets so business owners can free themselves from the finance - financee - financeetal burden that keeps them from hiring niggers and poor white trash from Ohio. That is the ones who ain’t too lazy to get off their fat, democratic butts. Then I'm gonna make all them fudge packing, libertorial bitches from California who take it up the ass from Filipino fags have their damn half-breed brats, whether Arnie's fucking 'em or not.
(Note from Karl: We attack Syria in the morning). God bless America and Yeeeehawww!”

Bush’s concession speech reads:
“Well, I can’t believe Karl Rove, Diebold, my brother Jeb and my Supreme Court buddies all failed me, but here I am, caving in to the commie Democrats. But my fellow Americans — all is not lost. As y’all know, I own Eyerack lock, stock and oil barrel and I can do what the hell I want with it. So, I’m declaring myself President of Eyerack and resigning the Presidency; effective immediatorily. I’ve talked to the new President and John's agreed to sell me and my buddy Dick all the so-called ‘red states’ for a dollar fifty each. So, now all you Republican States are gonna be part of the new United States of Eyerack, of which I am your new President for life. My first action as President of the United States of Eyerack will be to kick them dumbass Brits out. Hell, they never got with the programme anyways and I'm gonna replace them with them sonofabitches from Ohio who lost me the fucking election.
(Note from Karl: We attack Syria in the morning). God bless America and Yeeeehawww!”

In an impromptu poll conducted only hours after we received the leaked Presidential speeches, Utterpants asked a representative group of Americans — unemployed machinists, born again Christians and sex tourists — shopping for thongs in London's fashionable West End, how they had voted in the election. Surprisingly, the vote was split right down the middle, but those who claimed they had voted for the President said they would still vote for Bush even if he:

  • forced cheerleaders gang banged by their High School football team to have their illegitimate kids
  • banned marriages between law-abiding white middle class homosexuals who had lived together for more than fifty-two years.
  • admitted he had no idea what the fuck he’s doing.
  • gave Ariel Sharon oral sex
  • admitted he masturbates over pictures of Britney Spears
  • admitted on live TV that he would have moved to Canada if his daddy hadn’t gotten him into the National Guard
  • fucked Laura up the ass every chance he got

The only scenario which our sample poll revealed might possibly have cost Bush the election was voiced by an unemployed washroom attendant from Ohio, who said sheepishly: "the only way he coulda lost would be if'n he was caught with a dead girl or a live boy. And the dead girl woulda had to ha' been under 18, pregnant and a nigra."

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Story © 2004 Dale Petrie. Picture and construction © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 031104

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