Pakistan unveils new Superweapon Pakistan unveils new Superweapon

By our man who is no stranger to bowling a googly, David Green

In a move that has shocked the free world and initiated a feeding frenzy of speculation in willow futures on Wall Street, Pakistan's President, Pervez Musharraf, announced today that George W Bush would be joining the Pakistan cricket team when they tour England later this year

After President Bush's tour of the Asian subcontinent, in which he showed the same adeptness at ducking bouncers and hitting tennis balls as he has in avoiding ethically correct decisions, it has emerged that peace-loving President Musharraf managed to persuade the US corporate monkey to join the squad for the summer's Test series, starting in July.

Utterpants was privileged to obtain an exclusive interview with the popular leader at his modest, heavily-fortified 42 bedroom country retreat in Lahore, where he told us: "We feel that this will show our neighbours that whatever nuclear deals they sign with the West, Pakistan will always occupy a special place in President Bush's humanitarian heart." Punctuating his remarks by jabbing his baton into our reporter's startled chest, the modest hero of the Kargil War went on to tell us: "We are quietly confident that Mr Bush will surprise the English with the extra spin that he can generate, no matter what the pitch."

President Bush, smiling moronically from atop a huge mountain of cricket balls—specially ordered to improve his game ahead of the planned tour—told a packed White House press conference that he welcomed closer cooperation between the two countries, adding: "This is a special deal between two special countries. Pakistan does indeed, as my good friend Prevert Mushypeas has said, occupy a specialatory place within my omnipotent self—the exact location of which I am unable to diverge for security reasons. This is a great opportunity to send a clear signal to the Indians that if they want to nuke anyone's Islamaist ass, they're gonna have to make sure it's my finger pushing their buttons. And anyways, it won't hurt to remind those uppity Brits who the real daddy fucking pimp is around here, right Dick?"
Secretary of Defense, Dick Cheney, nodded approvingly as Mr Bush punched the air with his fist and shouted: "From now on 'dubya' stands for 'Wicket' and boy am I gonna use mine to hit those Limey faggots a six."

Fans of the sport of Kings have already had a sneak preview of the Texan cowboy's formidable game in Karachi when he managed to throw a tennis ball underarm at a practice match between St Xavier's High School for Girls Under Eleven XI and the orphans of the Mrs Dick Cheney Foundation for Displaced Taliban. Paparazzi watched in stunned silence as the President followed up his bravura performance with a sweet shot off the internationally recognised God-awful bowling of the Pakistani captain, Inzamam-ul-Haq—the famous tongue that has sucked pretzels from the thighs of the First Lady, stuck out from between his lips in intense concentration as the crowd broke into rapturous applause.
"It is my firm belief that Mr Bush will add variety to our attack, as he has a vast array of weapons in his arsenal that he can deploy at will, regardless of the opposition," a visibly awestruck Inzamam commented afterwards.

However, Downing Street have expressed grave concerns over the arena that Mr Bush has chosen to flex his sporting muscles in, an attitude shared by Tony Blair, who is said to be 'a bit miffed' that his staunchest ally has decided to compete against the British team. "It's simply not cricket," he commented, before hurriedly adding: "Of course, we will respect whatever the President wants to do and offer every support that we can to his noble crusade, but we do feel that his initiative presents a clear and immediate danger to our acknowledged superiority in spin and swinging."

During a hastily convened press conference in the Bat and Belfry near Old Trafford, Geoff Boycott, one-time England opener, full-time gobshite and sometime wife-beater, said: "Eeh, it weren't like tha' in my day, ah can tell thee. Bloody Nancy boy Yanks playing cricket? Eeh, by 'eck, it's not reet, is it?" Fellow Yorkshireman and present England captain, Michael Vaughan, did start to say something while polishing his forehead, but the assembled press corps had already fallen asleep or legged it to the public bar where a bevy of stripogram girls were warming up for a stag party. It was left to revered Australian commentator and dodgily-haired icon, Richie Benaud, to have the final say. "Well, it's certainly an odd decision; I'm not sure whether it's the correct one and wonder whether it's been thought through properly."

Unsurprisingly, the most vociferous protests have been from the Indian Government. The Indian Foreign Minister, Natwar Singh, commented: "We feel hurt, shocked and betrayed by the Americans. We had been led to believe that a new alliance had been forged between our two countries. We strongly advise the President not to meddle in those affairs of which he has little experience—American involvement in cricket could have serious consequences for the world."

Opinion in the UK is sharply divided between outraged indignation among the geriatrics of the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC) and those who couldn't give a toss either way. One pre-senile member of the MCC told Utterpants: "It's all very well President Ladygarden getting involved in cricket, but I have no idea how he expects us to handle the security. I mean, if we can't stop a gang of rum buggers with big Union Jack hats getting into Lords of a Thursday afternoon, how does President Girlyshrub expect us to keep out a would-be assassin? It just beggars belief!"

One thing is certain—the fallout from this sporting cluster bomb is not going to settle in a hurry and the ramifications for an already nervous world are almost too terrible to contemplate. As one shocked MCC steward put it to us: "Until now Johnny foreigner has played by the rules. Take the West Indians...gave 'em a couple of damn good trousers-down, no nonsense, spankings over that fast bowling nonsense and they've been as good as gold ever since. Now the Yanks are much trickier coves. Before y' know it the buggers will have us all dressing up in full body armour like a lot of lily-livered Nancy boys, wearing fancy team colours and admitting shrieking girls onto the pitch shaking their fat, Texan bottoms at the crowd! Best to put this Bush fella in Silly mid-off and hit the blighter between the eyes with a fast spinner. Finished off old Timkins minor in double-quick time."
"I don't think that's allowed nowadays," our reporter said.
"No?" queried the old campaigner. "Pity."

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Story © 2006 David Green. Image and design © utterpants.co.uk / 130306

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