Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather

By our man with his head in the clouds, Alexander DeVille
A controversial ban outlawing cold weather in the UK could soon be passed through parliament, and as Alexander De Ville reports, political pundits think itís the key to a Labour victory at the next election

In a desperate bid to win support after his failures in Iraq, the sex scandals rocking his cabinet and the controversial ban on fox hunting, Tony Blair now plans to outlaw all bad weather in England and parts of Scotland. If passed, new laws banning or restricting rain, snow and sleet, could come into force as early as late December, according to leaked report from the Ministry of the Environment. The report outlines a “roadmap to better weather,” which could give Britons at least 364 sunny days every year.

The top-secret document, code-named 'Sunshiny Day', bluntly states that; “most people don’t like gale force winds, snow, sleet or that bloody intermittent drizzle automatic windscreen wipers never seem to catch. We should use this to our advantage by stamping it out before the end of our second term to ensure our re-election in 2009.” The explosive report also suggests re-using Labour’s 2000 Election slogan “A Brighter Future” — saving up to one million pounds on a new election campaign.

MP Bob Marshall-Andrews has called for the Prime Minister to reveal the exact date of the weather change, claiming that London’s 2012 Olympic bid could benefit by a promise of sunnier spells, “If it is true that the government is to change the climate, this information should have been submitted in Lord Coe’s Olympic application.”
Labour Minister Anne Picking wanted to know if there would be plans to abolish the winter fuel allowance for pensioners, should the climate change come into force before the end of the year.
"Well, obviously," Mr Blair told the House. "They won't need it when they're sweltering in a thirty degree heatwave, will they?"

The move to change the British weather is sure to be backed by tourism chiefs, who have pointed out that tourism is a key British industry, accounting for approximately 94.785% of GDP and supporting over 21.3 million jobs. The bill has also won the enthusiastic support of the British Resorts Association and the Visit Britain Campaign on account of the benefit it would bring to a tourist industry reeling from the impact of the Iraq war which has kept millions of Americans at home. As BRA chairman Bert Winter told Utterpants: “We are really lobbying hard for better weather in London and the Home Counties, I don’t think things need to change in Scotland — after all, tourists count on it pissing down in Glasgow, don't they?”

We asked the author of the report, Junior Environment Minister, Sheila Snow, how this highly desirable, meteorological miracle was to be accomplished.
"Oh, we have a whole raft of exciting new technologies the back room johnnies are beavering away at," gushed the slim, chain-smoking scientist.
"Such as?" we asked.
"We plan to divert the Gulf stream closer to the Home Counties and erect wind barriers in the Welsh borders."
"Does that mean it will rain more in Wales?" we asked.
"Could it rain any more in Wales?" the Minister chortled.
"Good point," we admitted. "Anything else?"
"Well — I shouldn't be telling you this," cooed the Minister with a conspirational wink, "But we're looking at installing hot air generators around London which I'm assured will disperse even the most threatening clouds in a jiffy."
"Well that certainly sounds like a vote winner to us," we replied.

With that the Minister threw off her mackintosh to expose a fetching pair of denim cut-offs and a saucy, bright blue, boob tube, before bursting into song: "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in our way. Gone are the dark clouds that had us blind — it's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day. Look around, nothin' but blue skies! Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies!"
We politely declined the Minister's offer to join her in a Johnny Nash singalong and left her bawling 'Bright, sun-shiny day' into a hairbrush whilst strumming an invisible guitar.

Errol Brown, former front man of the 70’s popular beat combo, ‘Hot Chocolate’, told Utterpants excitedly: “Every day will be a sweltering midsummer day if the government pull this off. Blair’s climate changing bill means everyone’s a winner (baby).”

Experts at the Met Office we consulted dismissed the idea of changing the weather as “pure fucking fiction” and requested that our researcher stop calling them for quotes.

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Story and picture © 2004 Alexander DeVille. Design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk /061204

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