Make no mistake; something is rotten in Britain. Some blame it on the Media, some blame it on pop music, others blame it on tight underpants, but the truth is far stranger; we are being ruled by a Prime Minister who has been assimilated by the Borg!

"That would explain why there's nuffink on the Telly, then?" commented Mrs Ida Gussett (42B-34-43). "From wot me 'usband, Gerald, tells me, them cyber-wotsit organisms don't 'old wiv folks 'avin a laugh on account of 'em bein' wot 'e calls 'analy retentive."
Analy retentive or not, who are these sinister cybernauts who have robbed us of our individuality, freedom and self-determination? An anonymous source close to the British Resistance explained:

"The Borg are an immensely powerful race of cybernetically enhanced life forms who began infiltrating Parliament ten years ago. The origins of the Borg are not known, but it is believed that they are the results of crossing genetically modified marrows with public schoolboys. It is still unclear how the Borg lost their individuality and evolved to their present belligerent state, although it is speculated that they were once completely sane, which seems to rule out any connection with the human race."

Our source went on to explain that each Borg member, or 'Drone' is connected via a sophisticated subspace communications network, called 'The Sun', also commonly referred to as the 'sheep mind', to a collective unconsciousness, known chillingly as the 'Collective. Through this insidious and invisible connection, the entire Borg species operates as one gigantic organism.
We asked our source how the Borg have managed to infiltrate this country undetected.
"The first stage is dissimulation. In this stage the unwitting victim is lulled into a false sense of security by the administration of what the Borg Collective call 'spin' — or as the Resistance have come to know it — total bollocks. In the second stage 'nanoprobes' — tiny electronic signals, are fed into the victim's brain (or what's left of it after exposure to 'spin') via something called 'Reality Television'. The nanoprobes act as viral agents on the host brain and after attaching themselves to neurons, assimilate them by inserting new DNA sequences. The result is the rapid replication of assimilated cells. The transformation is so insidious the victims don't realise they're vegetables until it's too late."

Shocking we say! Shocking! But worse was to come when we were finally granted an exclusive interview with Tony Blair at an unnamed location in rural Buckinghamshire. Tony, or 'Blair of Borg' as he prefers to be known nowadays, made so secret of his assimilation into the cabbalistic cadre known as 'The Collective.' I began by asking him what the aims of the 'Collective' were.
"We are Borg. You will all be assimilated."
"But what if we don't want to be 'assimilated?" we asked.
"Resistance is futile," droned the dictator.
"What about freedom?"
"Freedom and liberty are meaningless misconceptions, Ms Givings. Freedom is slavery. Peace is war, ignorance is strength."
"Not where I come from," I objected.
"Look! The Collective is characterised by unity, conformity and loyalty. One order, one aim and one voice. It is common sense: people want certainty, they want security, they want to live forever. The Borg offer all this and more. This is not ‘new authoritarianism’. There will be no nanny state. There will be no state at all, because you will all be assimilated!"
"Could we skip the assimilation?" we asked.

"One moment, please. I need to adjust my neuro-interlink frequency with the Hive. Ah - that's better. Now, re-state your question."
"What are your aims?"
"The Collective has concluded that terrorists have satirical and ironical weapons, that misguided fanatics continue to produce them, that they have existing and active military plans for the use of enriched intelligence cluster bombs and logical weapons of mass instruction, which could be activated within forty-five minutes, including against our own Borg population; and that these terrorists are actively trying to acquire sarcastic weapons capability."
"So you're afraid of sarcasm? We asked.

In a sudden change of mood the Prime Minister lunged at me and shouted:
"You are a primitive biological organism! From this time forward you will service us."
"Well I don't know about 'primitive," I retorted, "My orgasms are pretty damn advanced.."
"We have analysed your problem and found a logical solution. We require you to drop your panties and prepare to receive our nanoprobe."
"Not bloody likely!" I cried, and kicked the cyber-wanker where what remained of his brain had taken refuge.

"We are damaged!" shrieked the semi-human demi-moron. "We are damaged! Assimilate, assimilate, ASSIMILATE!"
With these chilling words ringing in my ears, I left the Prime Minister to 're-adjust his neuro-interlink frequency with the Hive', and beat a hasty retreat.

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© 2004 Miranda S Givings & utterpants.co.uk /050404