An Iraqi woman Things go better with Bush

By our broad behind the burqa,
Miranda S Givings
According to a new survey, the overwhelming majority of Iraqis believe life is better under the benevolent US Dictator, George W Bush, than it was under the heel of the murderous Mussulman, Saddam Hussein

A total of 39 Iraqis were quizzed by our reporter, in a quest to discover the state of the nation on the anniversary of their liberation from tyranny. Almost all (93 percent) of those questioned believed their country was better off now, compared with 5½ percent who said it was well screwed. We don't know what the remaining 1½ percent think, as Mrs Reza Mahoud and her seven-year-old son Mustapha have unexpectedly left the country for a remote island somewhere in the Caribbean after having called President Bush a 'self-seeking little scumbag'.

Aneedah Fagh, a seventeen-year-old student from Baghdad, proudly showed us a bedroom plastered with posters of Britney Spears, Brad Gitt and Shrek. Aneedah (34-23-35), has painful memories of life in Iraq before she awoke to the American dream — a life without Diet-Cola, Burger King or Fox News. Three years ago her father was Iraq's ambassador to Kyrghystan — or some other unpronounceable place, and they lived in a home with an inside toilet and even had their own camel. But after war broke out, she and her family moved back to Baghdad — and a squalid life in a rented tent behind Saddam Hussein's squash court. Aneedah was unstinting in her praise of the improvements the American liberators had wrought in her backward country.

"I am so grateful to Mr Bush," gushed the gabbling girl. "Before they came, eighteen of us used to live in that tent. I had to travel 194 miles to Uni with five other students on the back of a smelly donkey, and when I got there we only had one turban-wearing teacher who taught us how to knit shagpile rugs and count sheep. Baghdad was a mean little shantytown with dirt roads and only five shops — and three of those sold burqas. Now we have modern, six-lane superhighways with Amoco gas stations every three miles and drive-in burger bars where you can eat with plastic forks; it's so kewl!"
What about your rich, cultural heritage?" we asked, "The Epic of Gilgamesh, The Code of Hammurabi? Nimrud, Nineveh, Babylon, Ur; names to enthral the minds and captivate the hearts of generations yet unborn?"
"Oh, that!" breathed the born-again babe, dismissively, "That's all so five minutes ago, don't you think? We have the Simpson’s and Oprah Winfrey now."
Her friend, Bushira Bunahnah (35C-24-36) was equally appreciative of the benevolent changes sweeping Iraq.
Ecstatic Iraqis embrace American culture "Saddam Hussein wouldn't let us ride our bicycles unless we were chaperoned by eight mullahs and promised to let his sons sniff our saddles. Now I drive a super American Buick with real plastic seats and chrome cupholders. It's like a dream come true!"
Bushira wears a burqa, but she plainly has an affinity for American culture. She spoke impeccable American, and told us she enjoys listening to Shed music — or she might have meant Garage.

But not all the Iraqis we met were quite so enthusiastic about the liberation of their third-rate country by a first-rate superpower bent on introducing them to a second-class lifestyle. We spoke to Shaniah Shariyah, a devout Shi'ite and mother of twenty-seven from southern Iraq.
"It's sinful for women to tempt men by revealing the length of their eyelashes to them," simpered the shy sanitary systems supervisor (42DD-34-41), scornfully. "Since the Americans came some women have turned into whores of Babylon. Only yesterday I saw two young girls shamelessly exposing their lips in broad daylight. One was even wearing high-heeled shoes and had her hands uncovered. Why have the Americans brought such lewd behaviour to my country?"

Although wearing the burqa traditionally protects Muslim women from 'impertinent eyes', it has not protected Baghdad broads from the greater impertinence of having their bottoms pinched by sex-starved squaddies from Scunthorpe. We were shocked to discover that Muslim girls who appeared in public with only the whites of their eyes showing were more likely to be harassed by US servicemen than provocative young women wearing skimpy miniskirts and clinging crop-tops.
Major Ricky 'Sancho' Panzer explained:
"Back home, our boys is used to seein' semi-nekkid broads on every street corner. Bare flesh jes don' turn 'em on, man — know what ah mean? But these here Baghdad babes with this'm burker thang, well — that gits 'em all riled up faster than y'kin count punched chads in Florida."

An angry construction engineer echoed Shaniah Shariyah's opposition to the US occupation. Osama Baksheesh (36) has lost a lucrative bridge-building contract to a US construction outfit and been reduced to polishing the shoes of passing British squaddies outside a seedy Halal sandwich bar. He was scathing in his condemnation of the US occupation.
"Look," snapped the seething malcontent, "We used to live in houses with running water, electricity and back-projection TV's. Millions of us had our own computers. Some even knew how to write visual basic trojans. Iraq had sophisticated bridges, golf clubs, tennis rackets and fruit-flavoured rubber johnnies. Iraqis loved fast motorbikes (especially Nortons) and the Tigris was awash with floating restaurants serving sushi and lo-carb organic veggie-burgers."
"So how come you lost the contract?" we asked the irate engineer.
"Some slimy shyster from some US outfit called Halliburton put in a bid of $50 million and got the contract."
"And what was your quote?" we asked.
"$300,000. That included new plans and designs, raw materials, labour, contractors, travel expenses, and beer."
"Surely you're not suggesting that the US is less than fair in handing out reconstruction contracts?" we asked.

At that point the engineer became abusive and we were forced to beat a hasty retreat.
Thankfully his views are not shared by the majority of Iraqis we spoke to.
Ali K'Aida (46) was typical of those who have welcomed the liberation of their country.
"We have been living on Boef Bourgionne and St. Emilion Grand Cru for so long I'd forgotten how good a Mac Chicken nugget with fries tastes."
Behind him a group of youths sang The Yellow Rose of Texas while proudly showing off their Nike trainers. Mr K'Aida told us he was a big Celine Dion fan, and said he enjoyed American movies such as Nuke the Suckers and Pound that Ass!
Amid a joyous cacophony of hooting, whistling and cheering, Mustapha Fagh (no relation) probably best summed up the mood. "We love Bush. We love Blair. I'm happy. Everybody in Iraq is happy. We love America. We love Britain. Thank you. Thank you," he exclaimed jubilantly.

It was a common sentiment everywhere we went. In Sulaymaniyah a young girl clutching two fifty dollar bills trailed after three Americans as they left one of the new lap-dancing clubs springing up everywhere, smiling shyly and repeating over and over, "Thank you, thank you!"

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