Arafat’s two week stay in a Paris hospital kept the world on tenterhooks by conflicting reports about the status of his declining health. Each day of the popular Palestinian's deathbed opera provided hours of amusement to his enemies and anxious moments for his distraught widow, who was never sure from one moment to the next whether she was a displaced refugee without two shekels to rub together or an eligible millionairess with a holiday home in the Seychelles.

The first report of the plucky PLO leader's death came a full week before he eventually expired when an over-eager reporter broke the news during a post-election press conference held by America’s self-appointed defender of marriage against the scourge of evil cock-sucking bum bandits, George W. Bush. The President could barely contain his glee at the prospect of the removal of this 'terroristical' thorn in his side, chortling that it was “a new opportunity for screwing Islamaists,” as cameras caught what appeared to be a damp stain running down the left leg of his slacks.

The PLO propagandist was first rushed to a Parisian hospital on October 29 when his condition was reported as 'serious.' By the end of the day, he was 'improving.' The next day brought the disheartening news that he had relapsed into a 'grave condition' — a chillingly prophetic statement given that he would be pushing up the daisies just 11 days later. These nail-biting announcements were quickly followed by 'could be better', 'deteriorating' and 'cause for concern'. By Halloween his condition was considered 'spooky', after which reports rapidly descended into a Monty Python farce with on-the-spot prognosticators vying with one another to upgrade and downgrade his condition by the hour.

Reports ranged from 'bad' and 'really rather ill' to 'not so bad', 'surprisingly jaunty' and back again to 'not at all well'. This was followed by 'wrecked', 'dead', 'not quite dead', 'very much alive', 'almost dead', 'almost alive', 'half dead', and finally — 'completely dead.' When this statement was made on November 11, the world breathed a huge sigh of relief and political pundits felt his condition could neither be upgraded nor downgraded again. Unfortunately they were wrong, as a shocked nation discovered today when the White House released a statement describing his condition as 'deader than a doornail.'

A spokestypeperson has revealed to Utterpants that the cemetery officials who made this declaration originally intended to make it public on November 12, but were contacted by angry representatives of the Doornail Anti-Defamation League (DADL), who informed them that it was highly insensitive to doornails to prematurely bestow that designation upon a person who was not 'quite dead yet.' The phrase 'deader than a doornail' was given official Legal definition after the 1996 lawsuit of 'Doornails vs. the Estate of Ray Combs.' The case concerned the premature reporting of the death of Ray Combs, who was declared by his estate to be 'deader than a doornail' on June 3rd, the day after he successfully hanged himself in his hospital room. Judge Lance Ito ruled that Combs was no deader than Samsonite — or possibly a Coors Light can. In his twenty-eight page summation, the Justice went on to declare that given the sheer level of 'deadness' of the average doornail, the phrase 'deader than a doornail' could only be legally applied to persons who had been dead for a minimum of eight or nine days.

Lance Ito is best known for his sensitive handling of the case of 'The People vs. O.J. Simpson', during which he set the precedent that it is permissible to murder your wife in California provided you are famous enough, which is small comfort to poor bastards like Scott Peterson who failed to appreciate their fame had to come before their wife’s murder.

In a related story, news agencies have recently upgraded Courtney Love’s condition from 'whore' to 'crack whore', Britney Spears from 'a bit pregnant' to 'just a lardass' and downgraded Osama Bin Laden's whereabouts from 'some place in Pakistan' to 'fuck knows where he is'. Meanwhile, Ol' Dirty Bastard’s condition remained stable at 'Well dead'. No condition was listed for so-called comedian Carrot Top, because in the words of one official, 'nobody gives a flying fart about Carrot Top.'

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Story © Dale Petrie 2004. Picture and construction © utterpants.co.uk /071204