Organisers have said there will be no repeat of Janet Jackson's massive tit teasing incident in 2004 that sparked thousands of concerned viewers to complain about US TV's most-watched broadcast.
A National Football League spokestypeperson told Utterpants, “Should Sir Paul expose his very tiny manhood, viewers would be hard pushed to see it, even on a large flat screen digital system. I'm assured it would not even be visible on the stadiums big screen."

"We've looked at all facets of the pointless show including singer selection, song selection and costume selection, to ensure we won't have a repeat of what happened last year when Janet’s enormous left knocker popped out. We concluded that if we booked a star with very small genitals, even an impromptu exposure to the TV cameras would not be noticed,” he explained, self-consciously adjusting the crotch of his chinos.

Disparaging allegations about Mr McCartney’s miniscule asset have been floating around since the 1960’s, when ex-girlfriend Jane Asher confessed to Radio Caroline’s Simon Dee that she was “stunned by his amazingly tiny todger." Revelations about Sir Paul’s fun-sized schlong have probably surfaced in more of Britain’s leading newspapers than minging US slapper, Tara Reid, has had boob jobs — allegedly.

For some men the idea of surgery to increase the size of their willy is a dream come true. Unfortunately Sir Paul could ‘never take the risk of attracting bad publicity’ according to an insider at the now defunct Apple Record label we didn't speak to, but who allegedly vouchsafed the information to a mate of our office girl, Olga, down the pub.
"What about a penis pump?" we asked her to ask her mate to ask the 'insider'.
"Fucked if I know," replied the source. "Do they make miniature vacuum pumps?"

Dr Roberto Jansen, a long time fan of the Beatles, has suggested several methods for Sir Paul to increase the size of his tiny pork chippolata. Speaking exclusively to Utterpants via our Bluetooth satellite uplink, the respected American gynaecologist suggested that: “There are two techniques that doctors can perform on Sir Paul that do actually add size, but both are not without risks. To increase length a doctor can cut the ligaments in Paul’s dick that attach it to the pelvic bone, and then move the teeny weenie outward. Or he could simply wear a strap-on. All you need is love.”

In a statement about his appearance at the game, pint-sized British Knob, Sir Paul, said: "There's nothing bigger than being asked to perform at the Super Bowl. And I like really big things."

Sir Paul’s pert arsed wife, Heather Mills has never suggested to the press that 'she is not totally satisfied as a woman'—though it is unclear whether she was referring to his performance on stage or in the bedroom.

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Story © 2004 Alexander DeVille. Picture & design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 231104