Satire news for the more discerning cynic
GnomeWATCH 2006
Sienna Miller Gnome LustSienna Miller Midget Lust

By our man who knows a small prick when he sees one, Lorenzo Cassanell

Satire news for the more discerning cynic

Coke sniffing, bohemian socialite, Sienna Miller, has sensationally confessed to Utterpants that not only is she still swallowing the adulterous, sticky sword of the woefully wooden Jude Law, but during her days as an unemployed council estate crack whore trying to break into showbiz, she spent six months travelling around Bavaria with a troop of midget sex performers who collectively go by the infamous stage name 'A little Cum'

Satire news for the more discerning cynic
Satire news for the more discerning cynic

So enthralled were we by Sienna Miller’s startling story, we tracked down two members of the group and asked them if her candid tales of drink and depravity had any foundation, but group leaders Little 'John' Thomas' and 'Lunchbox' Larry, were at first reluctant to speak to us.

After an hour or so assuring these naughty gnomes that we had nothing but the greatest respect for the sluttish Miss Miller and 'People of Limited Growth' in general, the vertically-challenged jism jockeys made the bold decision to reveal all. So shocking were their revelations that we have decided to publish the interview in its complete and uncensored entirety.

We began by asking Little 'John' Thomas how the troupe had first met Sienna Miller. "We were in Hamburg auditioning actors for our summer stage production of 'Goldilocks and the three Bare Bottoms' and Ms Miller was one of the hopefuls to play the lead."
"Bare—um—bottoms? Not bears?"
"We're sex performers," said Little John, "not kiddie entertainers."
"Sorry, do go on."
"We didn’t think she would be suitable at first," explained 'Lunchbox' Larry, "because she looked like a skeleton wrapped in cling film and we usually like to hire more mature and curvaceous women—preferably ladies knocking on forty with enormous, droopy tits and backsides the size of Bremen."

"Why is that?" we asked.
"Our productions contain scenes of vile degradation and graphic sex that a woman in her late teens or early twenties might not be able to stomach whereas old slappers—sorry, more mature women—tend to be less inhibited about doing the really kinky stuff," added Little 'John' Thomas helpfully.
"Basically," continued Lunchbox Larry, warming to his theme, "by the time a lady has reached her late thirties her face has been splashed with more cream then you can shake a clapboard at. She’ll have been anally assaulted at least 800 times and will undoubtedly have sampled the delights of Scat, Golden Showers, Fisting, Spit Roasts, Wolf Banging, Gum Shoeing, Radish Hopping and Chain Milking—all of which feature prominently in your average 'A Little Cum' show."
"That sounds reasonable enough to us," we commented. So what made you pick a flat-chested, stick insect like Sienna Miller out of the crowd?"

"To put it bluntly, she offered to suck my cock."
"But surely lots of girls have offered to fellate you in order to get a little head—sorry, a little ahead?"
"True," grinned the exceptionally well-endowed vertically-challenged person. "But she offered to suck it while I was taking a dump in the theatre toilets and I really admired her balls."
"Well, yes—that was pretty audacious."
"What do you mean by that?"
"We're sorry. We thought you said 'I really admired her balls?"
"Ah—you misunderstood me. When I said her balls, I was referring to her testicles."

"Sienna Miller has testicles!!!??" we exclaimed in astonishment.
"Yes indeedy," chortled Little 'John' Thomas. "She has a pair of luscious Love spuds that beautifully compliment a rather thick and splendid looking spam javelin. Once the rest of the lads had sampled Sienna's delights for themselves, the role was in the bag, so to speak."
"Amazing!" we replied. "We don't think we've ever heard a more—um, amazing story."
"If you think that was amazing you should see her legendary 'Vanishing Hobbit Trick," chuckled Lunchbox Larry.
"Which presumably involves a magic ring, as in the movies?"

Sienna Miller enjoying a 'spit roast' with 'A Little Cum'"Not exactly, no. A ring does play a part in the performance, but it's attached to Sienna's anus. But I'm getting ahead of myself—"
"—Do go on," we interjected. "I'm sure our readers are agog to know more."
"It’s really something," enthused Little John. "A truly remarkable piece of theatrical improvisation. One night in Cologne, during our 'Mauled in the Ring' show, she decided to penetrate herself with 'Tiny Toby Took' and when I say 'penetrate,' I mean she took all of him in, from his bald pate to his magnificently furry feet."
"Not up her bottom?" we asked in shocked surprise.
"No, that came in act four—'The Two Tunnels.' Well, actually he came both times; sorry, I should have explained that—"
"Sienna Miller masturbated herself to orgasm with a gnome??"

"Well, I can't confirm she came, but she was certainly making some very odd noises by the time his feet went in," explained Little John.
"We prefer the term 'Vertically challenged to 'gnome,' if you don’t mind," added Lunchbox Larry, "But, yes, she used Tiny Toby like a multi-speed Lady's aid."
"Astonishing!" we replied. Well guys, thank you for time. It's been simply—um—astonishing talking to you—most remarkable..."
"Is it okay if we just do a quick plug for our next performance?" asked Little John.
"Yes, of course."
"Well, we will be performing 'The Littlest Homo' for a week at the Chiswick Opera House from December 3rd. Lubrication will be provided, as always, but we must insist that all facial hair be removed for Health and Safety reasons."

As our readers can imagine, Utterpants were as eager as Ted Bundy in a sorority house, to quiz Sienna Miller about her alleged Midget fetish and cock concealment, but she was unavailable for comment. However, her publicist Danni Dyke, did have this to say to us on the telephone:
“Miss Miller strenuously denies all these accusations. She has never worked with a group who go by the name of 'A little Cum.' She has never been to Bavaria and has never engaged in sexual relations with a person of stunted growth and I will thank you to stop harassing her for quotes."

"So getting our hands on the pair of knickers she wore during 'Mauled in the Ring' is right out, is it?" we asked.
"Look, just fuck off, will you," snapped Ms Dyke.
"Well, there's no need to be abusive. We were only trying to give her flagging career a leg up."
"If you really want to help Ms Miller, you can see the talented actress on stage this Winter when she will be taking the lead role in Miranda S Giving's new production of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.'
"Hang on a minute, that's a raunchy adult sex show, isn't it? Our webmistress wrote that! Hello? Hello? Ms Dyke? Bloody hell! That woman just put the phone down on us!"

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Story © 2005. Lorenzo Cassanell. Design & construction © utterpants.co.uk/ 061005 / NN250306

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