Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie traumatizedBy our animal welfare correspondent, Georgia Prince |
| Mojave Desert, California — In a shocking incident at the recently opened Canadian Beaver Sanctuary, Paris Hiltons’ pussy was terrorised by an overeager male beaver while the heiress was on an unofficial visit |
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The Canadian Beaver Sanctuary, opened earlier this year by Cher, Tippi Hendren, and joined by Britney Spears soon after the grand opening, helps support the standard of living for over-the-hill or over-worked beavers from around the globe. Each of the celebrities has already picked a favourite beaver from the second shipment of beavers that arrived last week. According to sources, the male beaver in question was confused and disorientated after being rejected by Cher’s beaver and started following Paris’s pussy around — a highly strung, pedigree 'Longhair' called 'Fluffy — in the mistaken belief that it was another female beaver. Utterpants caught up with the shy, reclusive Hilton Hotel heiress at her modest $82 million loft conversion in Manhattan. “Like that furry little thing wouldn’t leave us alone.” Paris told us. “It kept following us everywhere, like, even to the bathroom! I sat down to go pee, and there was a friggin' beaver between my legs!” “That nasty critter just beat Paris’s poor pussy. It kept coming after her with those little creepy, chompy teeth.” Nicole Ritchie, Paris’s close friend added breathlessly, while making a very good imitation of a beaver face for the benefit of our reporter. “Fluffy had absolutely no protection against those wild beasts,"
Ms Hilton complained. "She has no claws, like, nothing to protect
her from the mauling she suffered. Beavers are mean, mean,
MEAN! Nicole, what’s another word for
mean?” asked Paris, looking confused, but fashionable in her bra,
thong underwear and four-inch-high-heels. At this point Paris swept up her defeated but still breathing pussy, and with a bemused Nicole in tow, made a run for the door shouting 'Let's go below, I'm gonna get Jlo'd!" Representatives of the Canadian Beaver Sanctuary told Utterpants that they have now banned all pussies from entering the centre for safety reasons. Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say. Story © 2004 Georgia Prince. Picture, design and construction © 2004 utterpants.co.uk |
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