Mojave Desert, California — Lawyers acting on behalf of the heiress to the Hilton chain of table-dancing clubs, have demanded damages of more than $26 million from the cash-strapped charity in compensation for the 'mental cruelty' suffered by her traumatized little kitty. Ms Hilton was said to be 'livid' and has threatened to cancel her forthcoming tour of Khyrghistan — or some other place where no one has ever heard of the modest and retiring model — unless Cher publicly apologises far calling her 'a hideous crack whore with her head up her fat ass."

The outlook was looking extremely bleak for the thousands of neglected beavers that have found refuge in the sanctuary. Many are too old to gather wood, some cannot feed themselves properly, whilst others simply want someone to stroke their fur, so they can hold their heads up again in the community. It was shocking facts like these that touched the hearts of the Olsen Twins, who today pledged to auction their cherries to save the beavers from eviction.

Utterpants caught up with Mary-Kate and Ashley in the Sanctuary's grooming room where the loveable Twins took time out from combing the knots from Cher's favourite beaver 'Sonny', to talk to us.
"So girls," we asked, "Are you really planning to auction your cherries on Ebay?"
"Oh Yes!" gushed Mary-Kate. "Howard Stern has put in an unofficial bid of ten million dollars."
"Don't you think that's a rather lot of dough for an - er - untried product?"
"Untried?" repeated Ashley with a puzzled frown. "Olsen's Cherrymilk has been on sale in Wallmart for, like, three months."
"Olsen's Cherrymilk?" we asked?"

"Yeah," cooed Mary-Kate proudly, "Don't ya think it's a totally kewl name?"
"Er - I think we could be at cross-purposes, here girls. We think maybe Howard was bidding for - er - another kind of cherry."
The milkmaid's pretty heads swivelled round together as they exclaimed: "Ewww!" in unison.
"We're not responsible for what dirty minds think our brand represents," snapped Mary-Kate. "We don't, like, go around partying and doing bad stuff that we could be caught for, y'know," added her fashionably thin sister with a becoming pout.

"Well, just so long as you're not trying milk your popularity, girls," we replied, "or you could end up with more than cream on your pretty faces."

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